concerns

past couple of days i've been really tired. maybe it's because i took a break from the p90x (i needed to, to get my blood test for my life insurance policy- we'll see how the results come back)...

it's been a restless kind of sleep that's drugged me and dragged me down. my dreams feel like voices that are not my own, that have been imprinted into me like a needle vibrating through wet vinyl... carving me up. i suppose that that is the worst kind of dream for me, the dreams that leave me feeling dispossessed of myself, as though i am out of control, and incoherent... last night, i thought of that whole kappa noodle story i've been working on (more like working off) for, like, forever, and i thought of ways i could tie that feeling into it... the need to find one's own voice speaking within one's own head... and later today, i thought how interesting it would be to have alternate voices speaking to me, as surrogate advisors, like the beatles (after all, i practically taught myself how to read using their lyrics) or alfred hitchcock... these, as counters to the ambiguous and sometimes nightmarish advice of the kappa...

the thing that i hate about being tired is it withdraws me away from life, and living. and there is so much of that around me.

i am reminded how antisocial i am almost every day. and the consequences of that stance. i don't necessarily want that, but i feel resigned to it. the way i react to the world is almost physical. i've come to accept things, the discomfort i feel around most people, the need to maintain a distance, and to contextualize conversations to prevent revelations of the mollusk i am inside, but at times, it is sad when people take me the wrong way. i don't mean to be aloof. in fact, i think i have chosen things to do (even if against my nature) distinctly to push me in the face of serving others. i really want to help. even if, in the process, i am disregarded.

instinctively, i react against arrogance, because i feel it is my antithesis. how is it possible for some to so deny the nature of things and the universe that they can hold themselves even for an instant above others?