people are funny.

if you walk around carrying your own personal distance and innocence, eventually (most) people start to reveal an impatience and distaste. there is only a small window of time, a season, for a person to open themselves to the world like a flower or a bomb. if that season passes, then you're considered a bud or a dud. nothing revealed is nothing concealed as far as the general populace is concerned.

i carry good intentions, and a smiling yellow face painted on my head. but it isn't enough. i have a disarming slouch and a genetic bow, and i always make self-deprecating statements and apologies. but it isn't enough. people want something else. people want a person who sets them at ease, not through withdrawing, but through showing up a complaint or an insult or a joke. they want you to give by taking...

at this point, i don't care. a person who knows himself to be just a bumbling fool, somehow i believe that that sort of person has the secret to turning the world around himself into "what it is in itself." in the process of being oneself, there is the possibility, the allowance, that others will be themselves... somehow, i think that not responding to the "games and fictions" reveals the emptiness of most social machinations. people don't know what to say when their words aren't echoed back to them...

yes, i'm falling into the adolescent stand-apart trap. i'm still very immature in that sense. but what's worse is i'm jaded, and have come up with a whole slew of justifications for the way that i am. and yet... honestly, i'm fine with the way i am, quiet and awkward. i just wish the rest of the world were fine with me too.

***

i hope to sleep soon, and that sleep will kill me off completely so that i am born as someone else, motivated and relevant, like that quantum leap guy. i hope i become someone else, so i can run me in a better, optimistic light... we all need, at times, to be someone else being ourselves.