the monster i've become

i am discovering the monster within me...

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today, we visited the psychologist to receive a formal diagnosis re: my son. and, with some relief, i learned that he is add-combined type (due to inattention and impulsivity issues) with some aspects of pervasive developmental disorder (another, newer label for autism spectrum disorders, i suppose). his iq is average in most aspects, except for processing time, which may be attributable to attention deficits... with the diagnosis, there is a name for my son's issues, and perhaps a way forwards.

***

but i am still wrestling with a newfound temper. i think i am a demon in secret. every now and then, when i least suspect, i show my true colors...

i want to stop caring sometimes, because it is the "caring," or the attachment borne of caring, that causes me to embody a demon (or a demon to embody me). there are all manner of evils committed in the name of caring. many shades of violence.

i am still figuring out how to care passionately about something, and yet not get drawn into fighting violently for it. i want to maintain some equanimity and peace, while still being involved... how to do it?

i love my children SO much. so much. and yet, i feel myself slowly (?) falling apart. i need time and order, i need things to fall and settle into place. but everything is going so fast, and demanding so much...

i would very much like to disappear for a time...

***