the alyssum is growing, hesitantly. i go out to the planter box, and to the garden path, frequently, even in the nighttime, to check on them, to scrutinize their peeking double-leaved stalks breaking the soil. it has become exciting for me. in my head, i see the future, where the dark loamy earth will grow color and life, and draw the eyes to it like tired butterflies to a field of wildflowers... which, i suppose, is what an "alyssum field" is...

***

i have been bad today. no work done for my upcoming job next week. just a brief perusal of the curriculum, a walk-through in my head, and only in my head, because i didn't have a working pen at the time. i believe the secret to success in almost anything is front-end loading, but at the moment, i haven't the drive to do it systematically. as always, time or some mysterious internal process divorced from it will fuel my momentum, and i will drive myself bodily forth into what i need to do. i believe that i can only do what i need to do (and, regardless of whether i believe in it or not, it seems to be my reality).

i am anxious about my kids, my own kids i mean. i am no longer always there to tell them what to do. and besides, i cannot mold them in my image. they were born fully shaped. the love i provide is, of course, indiscriminate, and goes to fuel the growth of their own outlandish individualities and idiosyncracies. love is, after all is said and done, unconditional... (but we're not quite to the point of saying and doing everything, so in the meantime... i've some occasional pruning to do...)

***

i wonder about people sometimes.

***

i believe in ghosts. i don't understand how they exist, or what purpose they serve, or whether they are repetitions/echoes/shadows, or conscious entities that can learn and grow. i believe that ghosts are somehow clothed in/shaped by the beliefs of the host culture, which makes me wonder at the reality of/nature of culture itself, and its enduring "end game" religion. is there an objective "true" religion, or is religion merely a way for human consciousness to structure reality, even beyond death? silly question, i'm sure. but it seems to me that, with regards to ghosts, anyway, there are ways to appease them or communicate with them, but they all involve some kind of interaction clothed within a specific culture/religion. it's not as though you can use some all-purpose ghost-away repellant ritual; in japan, you'd use a buddhist ritual (depending, it seems, upon the beliefs of the ghost involved), whereas here in hawaii, i suppose they depend upon kahunas...

i don't know. stupid thing to think about, but i have been really fascinated/obsessed with ghostie things of late...