sometimes we keep our mouth shut. the hurt done by others may have been intentional, even, but we still don't speak, because what good would it do? to wage war, to be motivated by the insult or the injury, only makes matters worse. i know my mouth bears fangs when i speak from that place, and i can't abide the apologies and the sight of blood afterwards. and besides, i will have to file down my teeth to keep from cutting myself when i speak again.

people misunderstand this gesture. so many people prop themselves up with conflict, that they don't understand what you are doing when you withdraw from the game. they call it "impotent passivity" or even "irresponsibility." why don't they understand? why can't people stand up by themselves and not just for themselves? why do people need to push off to stay up?

show offs, braggarts, all... each in his own manner and fashion. i get tired of it.

i suppose i have this disease myself, perhaps i have it in an even more virulent state... but it just seems as though the machinations of others seem so obvious and hurtful. obvious. child's play...

it's funny. i idealize the purity of childhood, and have a cynical view of the "maturity" of adults... and yet, i also shy away from the "pure" energy and the obvious aggression, calling it "child's play." i suppose i can't have it both ways... i suppose i don't want to answer any contradictions or inconsistencies anyway.

i just want to go away.

***

i'm tired. i suppose people like me don't really have a strong sense of justice in them. i mean, i will defend a weak child to my death if need be. but in the contradictions of "normal life," i'm not so clear or determined. there is no "principle" that i would, without hesitation, raise above the heads of others to beat them. i have the eyes of a sponge, and i "see" everyone's perspective given even a short amount of time... and like some sort of reverse osmosis, conviction in any single viewpoint leaks out of me...

yes, maybe i don't have a backbone.

all i ever wanted was for everyone to be okay. (this is like the question max asks bob and ted in "where the wild things are." 7 words. "how do i make everyone o k?") i don't believe in a right that makes someone wrong (except in certain obvious instances). and i never wanted to hurt anyone.

i am in a situation right now that demands a change and a rippling of circumstances. and there will be tearing and trauma no matter what. it is all for the best, i suppose, but by nature, something in me resists... i keep leaking, my will is squeezing out of me...

***

take the position of the least among you. if nothing else, it is a safe and true position, because it is so close to the ground.

don't just take this as a platitude. understand it. live it. not in its superficialities, but in its spirit.

i think if you are humble, you can appreciate the universe. it will speak to you, and share its secrets, because it will think it is talking to itself, or, to be more precise, it is talking to nobody at all.