misunderstanding.

a loss of motivation.

the doors are swinging constantly, like shifting reeds in a restless eddy.

the difference between the possible and impossible is only a matter of time, and in a matter of time, the span to freedom is gone again.

one fish of two has imbibed this truth, and sits back, back, back watching with unclosing eyes the way of this world, laughing resignedly, desperately, at it all. the other fish, tied to its twin by an invisible cord, sleeplessly monitors the shifts of the current, always pushing forward, always pushing forwards, for a way out.

neither has an absolutely convincing argument that it knows the universe.

and so, it continues, a stillness and a motion, a drift and a flutter... the fish all the while little suspecting the whirlpool forming around this inconstant but constant struggle may find its source in their own irreconcilability.

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"little baby's eyes, eyes, eyes."

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you should respect all aspects of yourself, if at all possible. a person, unfortunately, is rarely a unified thing. a person is a constant working out of shifting forces. like dreams, we work out something presentable to the eyes and the mind, a narrative that, even in a very rudimentary sense, can be discerned and followed. but ultimately, honestly, none of it really makes sense, and the more authentic we are, the more we come to understand this fact.

i think the more honest we are, the more we realize how impossible it is to be honest...

why do we call an adult "an adult"? it is because the adult is adulterated, impure. not necessarily because the adult "becomes" impure (although some may argue this point, particularly some daoists), but because understanding and knowledge of the way of the world has, let us say, become more complex, subtle, and "mature."

the difference between what a child sees and what an adult sees is not the difference of right and wrong, but of simple and complex. we would like to maintain the force or verve or passion of the good and the true in the child, but it is the adult appreciation of the complexities that tempers our full or one-sided advocacy of anything. "that would be idealistic..."

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i have been thinking of things in terms of pressure gradients. things like hope and passion (and even the social collective effervescence) operate according to the dictates of pressure. if the walls of circumstance, like the walls of a balloon, say, suddenly withdraw, and we are "given too much space," then hope/passion/motivation tend to diminish. as dr. mcdougall would say, there is a negative correlation (inverse relationship) between the amount of "space/freedom/ease" and the intensity of hope/passion/motivation. if circumstances become pressing (but not CRUSHING), then hope/passion/motivation take on a commensurate, even desperate, force, working towards particular ends...

this would be the apparent perspective on these things. and yet, i feel, taijiquan person that i would like to be, that it is possible to maintain a kind of pressureless force... with a kind of ease in my heart and mind, to have the capacity to allow hope and love to flow in vague but effective ways...