yes, i'm back. and happy that i am. maui was nice and all, but with aiden's illness (which, it turns out, was walking pneumonia) and with my inability to appreciate the slow-paced lifestyle of lahaina, well- again, i'm glad to be back.
aiden is recovering pretty well, he's almost back to his effusive cheerful little self. unfortunately, during the course of his illness, lynn and i lost a lot of sleep. sounds selfish, but the two of us just need some time to recover, to realign our sleep patterns... today, between morning clinic and my afternoon taiji class, i almost took a fateful nap... you know, the kind of nap where you are negotiating a small gap of time, whether you can risk sinking into slumber, i mean, could you sink just low enough to grab some respite, without sinking so low that you can't return to functional consciousness in time for your next obligations??? that was how i felt. i only had like 30 minutes. and when that was up, i kept begging for another minute, another five minutes, etc. by the time i left for taiji class, i had fifteen minutes to get to waipio...
i have a lot to think about and work on...
i've been reading "anatomy trains" by thomas w. myers. it is an AWESOME book... i initially heard about it when researching the double spiral orientation of certain muscle groups and the correlation between that and the chinese extraordinary vessel known as the dai mai (or girdle vessel)... but now that i have the book in my hands, i realize that it is so much more... i've only read part of the first chapter, but it is revolutionary and mind-opening already... basically, myers is highlighting connective tissue, which has, for the most part, been ignored by western medicine, or relegated to a relatively unimportant stature as the "white/yellow" parts of the musculoskeletal system. in actuality, connective tissue is a unified web WITHIN WHICH all other tissues "float" suspended. connective tissue, in other words, has been largely ignored precisely because it is so UBIQUITOUS and impossible to tease apart and isolate. but as is becoming the case in so much of science, the realization of the importance of BACKGROUND SUBTLE FORCES is slowly gaining ground in bodywork and medicine. arguably, it is connective tissue that is the most likely candidate for the medium of transference for acupuncture stimulation. and, of course, it is connective tissue ("fascia") that is the target medium for powerful bodywork methods like rolfing (structural integration)...
some interesting highlights so far: the notion that the three main networks in the human body each has its own rhythm, fastest being the "neural net," slowest being the vascular system (which he says runs on an ancient, chemical mediated rhythm), and in between, the connective tissue or fascial network. the latter actually has two rhythms, one almost instantaneous ("the speed of sound," as it registers vibrations just like any object does) and another very slow but very significant (the slow and gradual manner in which the body "adjusts" to forces in the environment by changes in posture).
another highlight: the double-bag structure of the human body, repeated almost fractally and historically (myers gives a rush course through embryonic history, noting the double-bag structure at each and every stage of development).
also: i've been continuing to study the herb zoo flashcards... funny stuff.
and, i just got kiiko matsumoto's style of acupuncture volume 2 along with some of her "tools of the trade": a triple bypass cord, some diode rings, a silver diode chain. funny, i had ALL of these things and more, but i lost them all in a car fire. it's neat recollecting those tools. maybe i am restoring my skills as an acupuncturist, but now (because of that incident, and because of time) with a bit more wisdom (*YEAH RIGHT*).
i've been trying to play other parts of "reckoner" on the piano. i like the last part. i discovered the chord sequence, which actually runs throughout the song, only in different orders. just by playing with the chords, separating them out, playing them in different rhythms, you can really get different effects...
i've also got my online course on special education to worry about. i could finish all my assignments for the course and get it over with now... but who am i kidding? i need deadlines to delay the inevitable...
NEXT WEEK, my second course for the summer will begin. AGH!!! another special ed course. that will really make my summer schedule hairy. and, i've got to reapply to uh, and register for fall courses pretty soon as well...
i want to write more in marsilani, but who has the time... i have a lot of ideas: the amphibious stories will center around kappa and the notion of ressentiment. the moth-eaten story will be organized around the ten oxherding pictures, and will incorporate mothra (the twin girls) and the mothra song (about the god of happiness)... so many ideas, so many hopes, sometimes i think i could explode.
but it is wonderful to feel life as being so rich, too rich and rife with possibilities that i could never exhaust them, they can and will only exhaust me...
... i need a vacation to explore them all...
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
announcement: landry!!!
congratulations to my big brother dean and his wife jani on their newborn daughter, landry!!! she was born tuesday morning at about 2 or 3 am (need to confirm with them). she is 7 pounds something ounces (also need confirmation).
hopefully i will get to see my new niece sometime tomorrow.
hopefully i will get to see my new niece sometime tomorrow.
another great quote, same book
"The heart of healing lies in our ability to listen, to perceive, more than in our application of technique.... The current requirement is less for new technique, but rather for new premises that lead to new strategies for application, and useful new premises are a lot harder to come by than seemingly new techniques. Thus, the significant developments in this field are opened by the point of view assumed, the lens through which the body is seen."
-Thomas W. Myers, in "Anatomy Trains"
-Thomas W. Myers, in "Anatomy Trains"
great quote by Evelyn Waugh (from the book, "Anatomy Trains")
i read this quote in the preface of a book on, of all things, the myofascial perspective on human anatomy:
"Humility is not a virtue propitious to the artist. It is often pride, emulation, avarice, malice - all the odious qualities - which drive a man to complete, elaborate, refine, destroy, and renew his work until he has made something that gratifies his pride and envy and greed. And in so doing he enriches the world more than the generous and the good, though he may lose his own soul in the process. That is the paradox of artistic achievement."
"Humility is not a virtue propitious to the artist. It is often pride, emulation, avarice, malice - all the odious qualities - which drive a man to complete, elaborate, refine, destroy, and renew his work until he has made something that gratifies his pride and envy and greed. And in so doing he enriches the world more than the generous and the good, though he may lose his own soul in the process. That is the paradox of artistic achievement."
Bill 45 and Resolution 08-148
Maybe too late, but I encourage anyone on Oahu to submit written testimony in favor (or maybe, not) for the following bill and resolution...
The first is:
BILL 45 (2008) – RELATING TO TRAFFIC ADMINISTRATION. Permitting the Council to require by ordinance, the location, selection, installation and maintenance of a traffic control device in certain situations. (Bill 45 passed first reading 6/4/08)
The second is:
RESOLUTION 08-148 – REQUESTING THE DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION SERVICES TO RESTART THE CITY TRAFFIC CALMING PROGRAM AND IMPLEMENT TRAFFIC CALMING MEASURES. Requesting the Department of Transportation Services to restart the city Traffic Calming Program and process and implement appropriate measures when requested via neighborhood boards, funded by the council, and determined to be appropriate to increase safety in residential neighborhoods, and review and improve the traffic calming process.
The issue is, basically, who decides where and when to install traffic lights and traffic calming measures (speed bumps, etc.). Should such decisions be made by the City, or should they be made by local neighborhood boards (who presumably KNOW the dangers of local streets, etc.)? If you support the above bill and resolution, then you support local control and decision-making over these issues.
I wrote the following letter in like 5 minutes (thus the lack of coherence). But use it as a kind of template. If you would like to submit a similar letter, go to http://www.honolulu.gov/council/emailtpw.htm to email your thoughts.
Here is my letter:
Dear Members of the Honolulu City Council,
There are no longer safe communities for pedestrians.
Although I can recall bicycling across the length and breadth of Mililani in complete safety, nowadays, I cannot trust my children riding their bicycles much less playing in the street just in front of my own suburban Mililani home.
Unfortunately, speed has become endemic to our driving culture. It is no longer just the occasional irresponsible teenager who tests the limits of his vehicle on narrow streets. Everyone is in a hurry, and pedestrians are increasingly seen as intruders that drivers have to impatiently tolerate.
This is why it is vital that we support Bill 45 and Resolution 08-148.
In the face of this hurried culture stiff penalties are not enough. Stoplights, speed bumps, and other “traffic calming” measures are necessary to safeguard specific regions and streets across the island. Who better to decide where such measures should be employed than the local residents who are witness to dangerous speeding in front of their own homes?
Exclusive top-down controls over such decisions are illogical and inefficient. When will a given street be considered worthy of a traffic calming measure by the City? Will a certain quota of accidents, pedestrian fatalities even, be necessary?
Even one accident is too much. Safety should be our number one priority, and it should be decided by the very people, the pedestrians, who know the conditions of their local streets.
We may not be able to reverse our speeding culture, but at least we can intelligently mandate and create relatively safe havens, streets for our children to ride and play on, as we did when we were children.
Thank you,
Randy Otaka
The first is:
BILL 45 (2008) – RELATING TO TRAFFIC ADMINISTRATION. Permitting the Council to require by ordinance, the location, selection, installation and maintenance of a traffic control device in certain situations. (Bill 45 passed first reading 6/4/08)
The second is:
RESOLUTION 08-148 – REQUESTING THE DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION SERVICES TO RESTART THE CITY TRAFFIC CALMING PROGRAM AND IMPLEMENT TRAFFIC CALMING MEASURES. Requesting the Department of Transportation Services to restart the city Traffic Calming Program and process and implement appropriate measures when requested via neighborhood boards, funded by the council, and determined to be appropriate to increase safety in residential neighborhoods, and review and improve the traffic calming process.
The issue is, basically, who decides where and when to install traffic lights and traffic calming measures (speed bumps, etc.). Should such decisions be made by the City, or should they be made by local neighborhood boards (who presumably KNOW the dangers of local streets, etc.)? If you support the above bill and resolution, then you support local control and decision-making over these issues.
I wrote the following letter in like 5 minutes (thus the lack of coherence). But use it as a kind of template. If you would like to submit a similar letter, go to http://www.honolulu.gov/council/emailtpw.htm to email your thoughts.
Here is my letter:
Dear Members of the Honolulu City Council,
There are no longer safe communities for pedestrians.
Although I can recall bicycling across the length and breadth of Mililani in complete safety, nowadays, I cannot trust my children riding their bicycles much less playing in the street just in front of my own suburban Mililani home.
Unfortunately, speed has become endemic to our driving culture. It is no longer just the occasional irresponsible teenager who tests the limits of his vehicle on narrow streets. Everyone is in a hurry, and pedestrians are increasingly seen as intruders that drivers have to impatiently tolerate.
This is why it is vital that we support Bill 45 and Resolution 08-148.
In the face of this hurried culture stiff penalties are not enough. Stoplights, speed bumps, and other “traffic calming” measures are necessary to safeguard specific regions and streets across the island. Who better to decide where such measures should be employed than the local residents who are witness to dangerous speeding in front of their own homes?
Exclusive top-down controls over such decisions are illogical and inefficient. When will a given street be considered worthy of a traffic calming measure by the City? Will a certain quota of accidents, pedestrian fatalities even, be necessary?
Even one accident is too much. Safety should be our number one priority, and it should be decided by the very people, the pedestrians, who know the conditions of their local streets.
We may not be able to reverse our speeding culture, but at least we can intelligently mandate and create relatively safe havens, streets for our children to ride and play on, as we did when we were children.
Thank you,
Randy Otaka
Saturday, June 21, 2008
molokini
this morning, we (lynn and i) went to molokini. it was pretty exciting. i'd been to molokini once before (with my mom and my sister) about ten years ago (!). funny, when we went snorkeling this time, molokini seemed to have a lot less fish, and less variety of fish as well... but it was still neat. we got to see a lot of these black fish, not sure what they are called, but they were the ones that surrounded the boats (i remember another kind of black fish playing that role back when i came here ten years ago, a black fish with orange markings near the tail). the most interesting thing, i think, was a large school of (i think) squirrelfish or mempachi, hiding under a shelf of rock, kind of drifting (asleep?) with the current but staying in the shade; they're nocturnal creatures... but our stay at molokini was cut short. apparently, there was a call from the coast guard saying that all the boats at molokini had to move out. it was interesting, because just before the call came, we happened to look up, and noticed a large flock of frigate birds (iwa) hovering over the island. usually (i think), the iwa birds spend all day out feeding. maybe they came back to the island to roost because of some sudden storm or gust of wind... anyway, we had to get back to the boat (it started rocking a bit as we climbed the ladder).
our ship, the quicksilver, then headed out to a place called turtle town (because it was common to see green turtles there). the waters were too choppy at first, so we kind of wandered south. passed a couple of interesting places, like "little beach" (a nudist beach) and "big beach" (the adjacent large beach). at one point, the captain made a little one-liner: "so at 3:00 is molokini, and at 9:00 is 'no bikini' (with reference to little beach)." we also passed clint eastwood's, oprah winfrey's, jack nicholson's, and some other person (named paris's?) home. and i learned that maui will likely have an active volcano, producing more "real estate" on the southwest side of the island.
oh yeah, other trivia. kahoolawe (the forbidden isle) which lies southwest to maui is now home to some wild goats. it was once seriously considered as the possible haven for four bengal tigers- until someone recalled that bengal tigers CAN swim up to 30 miles (didn't know that!)... wouldn't be pretty if a bengal tiger starting feeding on maui hippies and nudists.
we encountered a couple of spinner dolphins! and, since lynn and i happened to sit on the front of the boat, we had the ideal seats to see them! they were just beneath us, two of them, and they seemed to want to play with us, because whether the boat stopped or moved, they would consistently appear. it was beautiful... i thought it was kinda annoying that, as soon as we spotted the dolphins, a few other ships came by, and basically scared them off (it almost looked like one of the other boats ran right over them!).
at turtle town, not much... it was much deeper than molokini. basically, it looked like we were positioned over a ridge of beautiful coral, and just a little to either side, the sea floor dropped off to walls. it was neat, not a little scary. to be honest, if it weren't for the fact that lynn was with me, and a whole bunch of other leg waving bait, i think i would've been too scared to swim out over the deep parts, near the sheer walls. but i was pretty calm, always surveying the deep waters, hoping to see some large circular shape (a turtle), half-dreading to see a shark or something...
actually, i kinda got disgusted with being a human being as we swam. we had no right to be there! and, jeez, if i were a turtle, why would i want to hang out around there, with all these clumsy, ogling creatures drifting about? a couple of times, i saw snorkelers breaking rules and desecrating the wildlife: one woman grabbed a pretty pinkish plume of coral, clearly with the intent to break it and carry it home; i also saw another guy holding a pencil sea urchin in his hands. gods, what retards! i am surprised that these sanctuaries still exist, when boneheaded tourists (one or two on at least one of the boats that go there EVERY DAY) do things like that.
the only special thing, or thing of note, we saw was a single moray eel, wriggling about when it seemed the coast was clear...
we returned to port at maalaelae (sp???) harbor, fighting a great deal of wind.
by the time we got back to the hotel, i was exhausted. i tried to take a nap, but willow kept crawling all over me...
eventually, i had to babysit willow, kathy and marcus. we went down to the beach, walked along the shoreline, gathering rocks and shells. had no idea what i was doing, just knew i needed to get the kids out and keep them preoccupied. when we returned, i ad lib came up with some sort of "art project" where we would make sculptures out of the stuff we'd picked up...
then, this evening, i took the three kids over to see "kung fu panda." it was a nice, simple outing.
meanwhile, lynn stayed home and watched aiden. his coughing is becoming more of a concern, because it hasn't gone away during this week. lynn was worrying that he was suffering from pneumonia or something... and we had a semi-argument about how to care for him. lynn has it in her head that we should treat aiden's headaches/fevers "preventatively," i.e. putting aiden on a scheduled regimen of tylenol and motrin. i don't believe in this at all. i think this sort of regimen is more for the benefit of the parents than the kid (i.e. keep the kid from complaining). i mean, i see the logic of it, and it maybe keeps the kid from "suffering." but... by medicating like this, how do you know if the kid even has a fever to treat? also, the side-effects of pharmaceuticals, for example, upset stomach (he has been vomiting every now and then... consequence of the over-medication? we'll never know). ANYWAY... i don't want to get too much into it. it's clear that it's not pneumonia anyway, as the coughing is neither constant nor productive...
... i really really really want to go home. i'm not designed to float like this, for extended periods of time. i enjoy life most when i have my feet on the ground, on the path, walking towards a destination... sure, vacations are good to "get bearings," "smell the roses," "appreciate things..." but i think i do a lot of that anyway. i've seen beautiful things here, maybe even come to some interesting conclusions, but enough's enough. tomorrow, i hope, blurs by, and then on sunday, we will be heading HOME.
our ship, the quicksilver, then headed out to a place called turtle town (because it was common to see green turtles there). the waters were too choppy at first, so we kind of wandered south. passed a couple of interesting places, like "little beach" (a nudist beach) and "big beach" (the adjacent large beach). at one point, the captain made a little one-liner: "so at 3:00 is molokini, and at 9:00 is 'no bikini' (with reference to little beach)." we also passed clint eastwood's, oprah winfrey's, jack nicholson's, and some other person (named paris's?) home. and i learned that maui will likely have an active volcano, producing more "real estate" on the southwest side of the island.
oh yeah, other trivia. kahoolawe (the forbidden isle) which lies southwest to maui is now home to some wild goats. it was once seriously considered as the possible haven for four bengal tigers- until someone recalled that bengal tigers CAN swim up to 30 miles (didn't know that!)... wouldn't be pretty if a bengal tiger starting feeding on maui hippies and nudists.
we encountered a couple of spinner dolphins! and, since lynn and i happened to sit on the front of the boat, we had the ideal seats to see them! they were just beneath us, two of them, and they seemed to want to play with us, because whether the boat stopped or moved, they would consistently appear. it was beautiful... i thought it was kinda annoying that, as soon as we spotted the dolphins, a few other ships came by, and basically scared them off (it almost looked like one of the other boats ran right over them!).
at turtle town, not much... it was much deeper than molokini. basically, it looked like we were positioned over a ridge of beautiful coral, and just a little to either side, the sea floor dropped off to walls. it was neat, not a little scary. to be honest, if it weren't for the fact that lynn was with me, and a whole bunch of other leg waving bait, i think i would've been too scared to swim out over the deep parts, near the sheer walls. but i was pretty calm, always surveying the deep waters, hoping to see some large circular shape (a turtle), half-dreading to see a shark or something...
actually, i kinda got disgusted with being a human being as we swam. we had no right to be there! and, jeez, if i were a turtle, why would i want to hang out around there, with all these clumsy, ogling creatures drifting about? a couple of times, i saw snorkelers breaking rules and desecrating the wildlife: one woman grabbed a pretty pinkish plume of coral, clearly with the intent to break it and carry it home; i also saw another guy holding a pencil sea urchin in his hands. gods, what retards! i am surprised that these sanctuaries still exist, when boneheaded tourists (one or two on at least one of the boats that go there EVERY DAY) do things like that.
the only special thing, or thing of note, we saw was a single moray eel, wriggling about when it seemed the coast was clear...
we returned to port at maalaelae (sp???) harbor, fighting a great deal of wind.
by the time we got back to the hotel, i was exhausted. i tried to take a nap, but willow kept crawling all over me...
eventually, i had to babysit willow, kathy and marcus. we went down to the beach, walked along the shoreline, gathering rocks and shells. had no idea what i was doing, just knew i needed to get the kids out and keep them preoccupied. when we returned, i ad lib came up with some sort of "art project" where we would make sculptures out of the stuff we'd picked up...
then, this evening, i took the three kids over to see "kung fu panda." it was a nice, simple outing.
meanwhile, lynn stayed home and watched aiden. his coughing is becoming more of a concern, because it hasn't gone away during this week. lynn was worrying that he was suffering from pneumonia or something... and we had a semi-argument about how to care for him. lynn has it in her head that we should treat aiden's headaches/fevers "preventatively," i.e. putting aiden on a scheduled regimen of tylenol and motrin. i don't believe in this at all. i think this sort of regimen is more for the benefit of the parents than the kid (i.e. keep the kid from complaining). i mean, i see the logic of it, and it maybe keeps the kid from "suffering." but... by medicating like this, how do you know if the kid even has a fever to treat? also, the side-effects of pharmaceuticals, for example, upset stomach (he has been vomiting every now and then... consequence of the over-medication? we'll never know). ANYWAY... i don't want to get too much into it. it's clear that it's not pneumonia anyway, as the coughing is neither constant nor productive...
... i really really really want to go home. i'm not designed to float like this, for extended periods of time. i enjoy life most when i have my feet on the ground, on the path, walking towards a destination... sure, vacations are good to "get bearings," "smell the roses," "appreciate things..." but i think i do a lot of that anyway. i've seen beautiful things here, maybe even come to some interesting conclusions, but enough's enough. tomorrow, i hope, blurs by, and then on sunday, we will be heading HOME.
Friday, June 20, 2008
night rainbow
can't sleep, and it's a good thing too! as i was doing a zhan zhuang exercise on the balcony (with the same weird spontaneous movements), i happened to open my eyes, and saw the at first indistinct shape of a rainbow, only it was kind of silvery, like a large silver arch: if i looked very closely at "bright" regions of this archway, i could just make out colors, only they were "washed out" and less distinct than in a day rainbow. now, just to describe the particular conditions. there appears to be a cloud front coming out across the channel between molokai and maui, with a thin haze of indistinct rain (almost a fog, a shimmer). but the moon up above is either full or almost full. so when there is a space in the clouds, the bright moonlight is able to refract through the night mist to form this silvery "night rainbow." i actually woke lynn up to witness it, and she made some comment like "cool" before drifting back to sleep... maybe i should do the same too, but i'm just too excited.
i tried to capture it on film, but it's much too dark. flashes just flatten the image, while no flash just gets lost in the dark depths (again, it's a mix between cloudy night sky with gaps of silver moonlight- difficult by definition to capture).
but i can say: night rainbows DO exist!
i tried to capture it on film, but it's much too dark. flashes just flatten the image, while no flash just gets lost in the dark depths (again, it's a mix between cloudy night sky with gaps of silver moonlight- difficult by definition to capture).
but i can say: night rainbows DO exist!
naked
when was the first time you realized that people were naked under all of their clothes? i mean, not just cognitively aware of it, but viscerally aware. wasn't that an "eye opening" realization? it was like, suddenly, everyone had a secret that they were dangling right under your nose, concealing something right beneath their clothes... this was the moment when you realized that people were not what they appeared to be, and (not in a necessarily bad way) that they were BY NATURE duplicitous because: 1) there was a clothed person (the social appearance), and 2) there was the unclothed person (the person "underneath"). keep in mind that this was a realization of IRREDUCIBLE DUPLICITY. a puzzle, if you will.
moralize all you want, it is impossible to reduce it. people have a social self, a self they present to the world. AND a private self. the distance between these two selves is as gap-ridden and opaque as the thinnest fabric of clothing used to separate and armor the naked skin from the eyes of the prying world...
moralize all you want, it is impossible to reduce it. people have a social self, a self they present to the world. AND a private self. the distance between these two selves is as gap-ridden and opaque as the thinnest fabric of clothing used to separate and armor the naked skin from the eyes of the prying world...
willow's quote
"daddy, later is never today."
in response to a false promise that we would play the wii together, LATER.
in response to a false promise that we would play the wii together, LATER.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
paia
we had a slow start this morning. aiden was really "whiny." i can't blame him, this cold he's enduring is tortuous, and i know he's a real trooper because i've caught some of his colds afterwards, and the suffering i've endured has at times made me want to cry (okay, i'm a real wimp). he has really bad moments, when he gets clingy to mommy (a sign that he's having a hard time- he never looks to me for comfort). so there was a big debate about what to do: should we explore another part of maui (frankly, this west coast is getting pretty boring 5 days in), or should we just take it easy and let aiden recuperate?
i had to go on an errand to buy diapers for baby kara and some lemon-ginger tea for aiden's apparently sore throat. by the time i returned, aiden was up and running... it was decided that we would go to a town called paia, maybe 40 minutes away. i'd heard that it was a nice place to go shop, really artsy... so we went.
the sun was blazing today. really hot. if i hadn't mentioned it earlier, well, "lahaina" means "cruel sun." apt for this western region, which, in many respects, resembles the waianae coast- only, there aren't any homeless tents pitched on the beaches, and a whole lot of white people and tourists have taken over, living in nice little resorts... anyway, lahaina's cruel sun followed us across the "neck" of the island of maui, over to paia.
paia is the spitting image of oahu's haleiwa. it is a plantation town, and proud of it, so the buildings and shops are kept in that style. nevertheless, it is also very bohemian, with a majority of the locales being art galleries (even some of the food places double as galleries for "captive audiences"). there is even a shave ice place of sorts, only this one was started by this old filipino man named quiintas (or something), a very friendly dude who still carries ice into the property to help out his grandson... i could tell from the start that this was going to be a problem. my ma and pa are saddled with baby kara (who is a little over a year old), and my ma has a bad knee... besides that, they are accompanied by kathy and marcus, weaned on handheld videogames from too early an age- they have little appreciation for artsy-fartsy crap. so from the instant we got out of the public parking lot, i could tell that they were all thinking: "what are we doing here?"
myself, despite all my professed appreciation for art, i can only tolerate so much of it... i mean, there were some interesting pieces, a lot of great glasswork, some done in raku style and all. but of course, too overpriced for us. i wanted willow to check some of the art out, she wants to be an artist after all, but despite taking some interest in some stereotypical pieces, she too was bored. the only person that really really wanted to spend more time in paia was lynn.
lynn and willow got some gelato, the rest of us went to get shave ice from that quiint (sp?) place, also ate some great plate lunches there. and then we split up, because my parents' party wanted nothing more to do with the place, but lynn wanted to look around some more...
...dragged around paia for another half hour...
then we drove back towards the hotel. on the way, we stopped off at krispy kremes and bought some donuts for my mother... and, well, pretty much end of story. sorry to be so boring...
tomorrow, we (lynn and i) go to molokini. promises to be promising...
...
last night, after a session with aiden, i couldn't go back to sleep. i happened to see a shooting star out over the balcony, made a wish for all things to happen as they were supposed to happen, but then as i reflected on it, the star (which actually was a falling burning piece of rock that vaporized in the atmosphere) probably wanted to ask: who's supposed to do the supposing, do you suppose? and i couldn't give a ready answer. god? no. buddha? no one? and if no one, then what's the point of making the wish? wouldn't things happen as they were "supposed to" anyway? what is this invention, this patina of "supposed to" anyway? where did it come from? who supposed it?
i practiced zhan zhuang a little. don't think i'm crazy, but nowadays when i do it, i start vibrating like crazy, and with my eyes closed, my body starts doing all of these spontaneous motions, some of them pretty violent. it is like something (maybe ME pretending) is trying to loosen out a whip, and kind of jerks me or vibrates me in all manner of directions to accomplish a release. like my "core" muscles start to "explore" all of their possible directions. and then my arms vibrate, elbows oscillating. it actually feels pretty refreshing AND exhausting at the same time. of course, i can stay still too if i "focus," but somehow, it seems "intended" that i practice it in this semi-conscious free floating way. ... call me crazy if you will.
i actually wanted to practice some of my forms out in the moonlit sand. but that would mean leaving lynn alone to watch the kids... oh well.
i had to go on an errand to buy diapers for baby kara and some lemon-ginger tea for aiden's apparently sore throat. by the time i returned, aiden was up and running... it was decided that we would go to a town called paia, maybe 40 minutes away. i'd heard that it was a nice place to go shop, really artsy... so we went.
the sun was blazing today. really hot. if i hadn't mentioned it earlier, well, "lahaina" means "cruel sun." apt for this western region, which, in many respects, resembles the waianae coast- only, there aren't any homeless tents pitched on the beaches, and a whole lot of white people and tourists have taken over, living in nice little resorts... anyway, lahaina's cruel sun followed us across the "neck" of the island of maui, over to paia.
paia is the spitting image of oahu's haleiwa. it is a plantation town, and proud of it, so the buildings and shops are kept in that style. nevertheless, it is also very bohemian, with a majority of the locales being art galleries (even some of the food places double as galleries for "captive audiences"). there is even a shave ice place of sorts, only this one was started by this old filipino man named quiintas (or something), a very friendly dude who still carries ice into the property to help out his grandson... i could tell from the start that this was going to be a problem. my ma and pa are saddled with baby kara (who is a little over a year old), and my ma has a bad knee... besides that, they are accompanied by kathy and marcus, weaned on handheld videogames from too early an age- they have little appreciation for artsy-fartsy crap. so from the instant we got out of the public parking lot, i could tell that they were all thinking: "what are we doing here?"
myself, despite all my professed appreciation for art, i can only tolerate so much of it... i mean, there were some interesting pieces, a lot of great glasswork, some done in raku style and all. but of course, too overpriced for us. i wanted willow to check some of the art out, she wants to be an artist after all, but despite taking some interest in some stereotypical pieces, she too was bored. the only person that really really wanted to spend more time in paia was lynn.
lynn and willow got some gelato, the rest of us went to get shave ice from that quiint (sp?) place, also ate some great plate lunches there. and then we split up, because my parents' party wanted nothing more to do with the place, but lynn wanted to look around some more...
...dragged around paia for another half hour...
then we drove back towards the hotel. on the way, we stopped off at krispy kremes and bought some donuts for my mother... and, well, pretty much end of story. sorry to be so boring...
tomorrow, we (lynn and i) go to molokini. promises to be promising...
...
last night, after a session with aiden, i couldn't go back to sleep. i happened to see a shooting star out over the balcony, made a wish for all things to happen as they were supposed to happen, but then as i reflected on it, the star (which actually was a falling burning piece of rock that vaporized in the atmosphere) probably wanted to ask: who's supposed to do the supposing, do you suppose? and i couldn't give a ready answer. god? no. buddha? no one? and if no one, then what's the point of making the wish? wouldn't things happen as they were "supposed to" anyway? what is this invention, this patina of "supposed to" anyway? where did it come from? who supposed it?
i practiced zhan zhuang a little. don't think i'm crazy, but nowadays when i do it, i start vibrating like crazy, and with my eyes closed, my body starts doing all of these spontaneous motions, some of them pretty violent. it is like something (maybe ME pretending) is trying to loosen out a whip, and kind of jerks me or vibrates me in all manner of directions to accomplish a release. like my "core" muscles start to "explore" all of their possible directions. and then my arms vibrate, elbows oscillating. it actually feels pretty refreshing AND exhausting at the same time. of course, i can stay still too if i "focus," but somehow, it seems "intended" that i practice it in this semi-conscious free floating way. ... call me crazy if you will.
i actually wanted to practice some of my forms out in the moonlit sand. but that would mean leaving lynn alone to watch the kids... oh well.
travelogue
so... let's see. we haven't been doing much. this morning, lynn and i had to go to a time share presentation, in order to get a discount on a molokini snorkeling trip. we were both dreading it, because we hate "hard-sell" presentations like that. our presenter, though, actually seemed pretty matter-of-fact about everything, and "sensed" that we weren't exactly the buying type. i admit that it does sound interesting, though, and lynn and i have reaped the benefits of my parents' time share, both with regards to this trip and our honeymoon (which was in a very centrally located atmospheric hotel in san francisco). we ended the scheduled 1.5 hour presentation half an hour early. it was funny- lynn was so paranoid that they weren't going to "let us off easy," and when our presenter told us to go back to the front desk to "check out," lynn believed that she was just "passing the baton," so to speak, and that some other, more aggressive salesperson was about to "press us hard..."
but the people at the front desk were happy to give us our molokini discount. and as they were "locals," lynn asked them a lot of questions: where do the locals live? where do you guys go to eat? where is the homemade bakery? etc. it was cool, the guys over at the front desk started to compete to give us the best recommendations for places to go to get a good plate lunch, etc. so, based on this one guy (romel)'s recommendations, we decided to drive over to this place called "aloha mixed plate." the waiter serving us was pretty rude, and my wife and my ma didn't think the food was all that great (also expensive), but i kept quiet: my loco moco was pretty good (of course, i'm like "mikey" from those life? commercials... i'll eat anything).
we caught the sugar cane train, mainly for aiden, because he's such a thomas fan. aiden was really cute, wearing his thomas the train engineer's cap; he looked like dopey (in a good way) with his large ears sticking out from under the edges of the cap. the conductor, one uncle terry, seemed to like our family a lot; he kept confiding to us about his misadventures during a recent week in japan: like, how when he wanted to visit the nagoya castle, instead of saying "Oshiro mitai," (i want to see the castle) he said "Oshiri mitai" (i want to see your ass). anyway, he gave willow, aiden, kathy and marcus a signed postcard, and when we arrived at the station in lahaina, he placed four pennies on the track, and had the train run over them to flatten them: great souvenirs!!!
on the trainride, things weren't particularly interesting... we got to see some backyards, abandoned cars, a large rain drainage ditch... the high plains are dry, and at one point, a dust devil formed and actually whirled through us before dispersing...
hate to say it, but i miss home, domestic, routinized life... i want to work on the yard. etcetera. terrible, huh???
lynn and i have done more than our share of babysitting kathy and marcus. they are, of course, interested in the wii that we brought with us... i've tried to keep them under control, teach them the concept of taking turns, and of having patience with willow and aiden... it's hard at times. i do believe that they are good kids, but they haven't experienced any degree of consistency in their lives, and now it's somewhat "too little too late." lynn and i realize we can't turn things around. we just hope to expose them a bit to OUR rules when we watch them...
but the people at the front desk were happy to give us our molokini discount. and as they were "locals," lynn asked them a lot of questions: where do the locals live? where do you guys go to eat? where is the homemade bakery? etc. it was cool, the guys over at the front desk started to compete to give us the best recommendations for places to go to get a good plate lunch, etc. so, based on this one guy (romel)'s recommendations, we decided to drive over to this place called "aloha mixed plate." the waiter serving us was pretty rude, and my wife and my ma didn't think the food was all that great (also expensive), but i kept quiet: my loco moco was pretty good (of course, i'm like "mikey" from those life? commercials... i'll eat anything).
we caught the sugar cane train, mainly for aiden, because he's such a thomas fan. aiden was really cute, wearing his thomas the train engineer's cap; he looked like dopey (in a good way) with his large ears sticking out from under the edges of the cap. the conductor, one uncle terry, seemed to like our family a lot; he kept confiding to us about his misadventures during a recent week in japan: like, how when he wanted to visit the nagoya castle, instead of saying "Oshiro mitai," (i want to see the castle) he said "Oshiri mitai" (i want to see your ass). anyway, he gave willow, aiden, kathy and marcus a signed postcard, and when we arrived at the station in lahaina, he placed four pennies on the track, and had the train run over them to flatten them: great souvenirs!!!
on the trainride, things weren't particularly interesting... we got to see some backyards, abandoned cars, a large rain drainage ditch... the high plains are dry, and at one point, a dust devil formed and actually whirled through us before dispersing...
hate to say it, but i miss home, domestic, routinized life... i want to work on the yard. etcetera. terrible, huh???
lynn and i have done more than our share of babysitting kathy and marcus. they are, of course, interested in the wii that we brought with us... i've tried to keep them under control, teach them the concept of taking turns, and of having patience with willow and aiden... it's hard at times. i do believe that they are good kids, but they haven't experienced any degree of consistency in their lives, and now it's somewhat "too little too late." lynn and i realize we can't turn things around. we just hope to expose them a bit to OUR rules when we watch them...
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
fatherly "duties"
so, as i may have mentioned, aiden has been suffering from nightly high fevers. and tonight, i may have cleared out one aspect of the problem: literally. in chinese medicine (and, i believe, some strands of western medicine), fevers are related to constipation. in chinese parlance, the fevers "evaporate" the liquid from the stool, hardening it, and preventing its natural "flow." and it works the other way too. one of the quickest means by which heat is "ejected" from the body is through the stool; thus, in treating high fevers, oftentimes a formula will have herbs that "purge the bowels," like da huang (rhizome rhei) or mang xiao (mirabilitum?)...
so anyway, aiden was having a difficult time "passing..." actually, he initially just presented with yet another high fever, and as we had already administered a dose of tylenol meltaways, i was about to "give him another bath." but as he lay soaking, he told me he had to go. so i lifted him onto the toilet... and that's when it became (painfully) apparent that he was terribly constipated...
i know this may gross some people out, but... his stools were so compacted and misshapen, that it was IMPOSSIBLE for him to pass them without some assistance. i initially tried to help him by pressing around his anus, to "give more room," so to speak... but that didn't work, the stool was "coming out at the wrong angle..." so, in desperation, i started to actually "scrape" some of the stool out with my fingers. honestly, it was SO hard, it was like compacted clay. i managed to dislodge a few fragments, but the larger body was unaltered... i called to lynn, asked for any utensils that she had handy... she brought in a few metal measuring spoons. and i had to use the smallest, perhaps the teaspoon, to gradually and progressively scrape at aiden's stool. between that and encouraging him to "push," we finally managed to get him to pass a MONSTER... it's hard to imagine something that large and solid to have come out of him...
disgusting, sure, but it is all in a day's work for a father...
now, not surprisingly, he is feeling pretty normal, no fever, playing with his cars, calling me over occasionally to show me the patterns he has made with them...
i hope that this is the turning point for his nightly disorder. and that lynn and i can get some sleep!
so anyway, aiden was having a difficult time "passing..." actually, he initially just presented with yet another high fever, and as we had already administered a dose of tylenol meltaways, i was about to "give him another bath." but as he lay soaking, he told me he had to go. so i lifted him onto the toilet... and that's when it became (painfully) apparent that he was terribly constipated...
i know this may gross some people out, but... his stools were so compacted and misshapen, that it was IMPOSSIBLE for him to pass them without some assistance. i initially tried to help him by pressing around his anus, to "give more room," so to speak... but that didn't work, the stool was "coming out at the wrong angle..." so, in desperation, i started to actually "scrape" some of the stool out with my fingers. honestly, it was SO hard, it was like compacted clay. i managed to dislodge a few fragments, but the larger body was unaltered... i called to lynn, asked for any utensils that she had handy... she brought in a few metal measuring spoons. and i had to use the smallest, perhaps the teaspoon, to gradually and progressively scrape at aiden's stool. between that and encouraging him to "push," we finally managed to get him to pass a MONSTER... it's hard to imagine something that large and solid to have come out of him...
disgusting, sure, but it is all in a day's work for a father...
now, not surprisingly, he is feeling pretty normal, no fever, playing with his cars, calling me over occasionally to show me the patterns he has made with them...
i hope that this is the turning point for his nightly disorder. and that lynn and i can get some sleep!
more info on the tuatara
so it does have a third eye, but 1) it is parietal, not pineal, 2) it gets covered over by scales within the first few months of life, 3) it's purpose (if there is any) is to soak up uv rays during the first few months.
tuataras can live up to 100 years old!
tuataras can live up to 100 years old!
what a tuatara looks like
reptiles can be classed into five groups: lizards, snakes, turtles, crocodiles/alligators/gavials/caymans, and the living fossil, the tuataras.
tuataras only exist in new zealand.
they are said to have a third eye, a pineal eye...
updates on our trip
so now it is tuesday. my neck got better. i like to think it's because i attempted orthobionomy/strain-counterstrain techniques on it, but actually, i think it's just because i slept in a more or less balanced position... not that we've been getting any more sleep! aiden, oddly enough, suffers from high fevers and coughs that only express themselves at night. lynn worries that he may have "croup" (a friend has a daughter with it, and the internet provides easy access to all kinds of nightmarish scenarios). so we kept bathing him (our standard remedy for high fevers: it's a somewhat paradoxical, "orthobionomy" judo approach to headaches- that is, soak a fever in lukewarm/warm water, in order to put the internal "fever reaction" at ease... also, to absorb excessive temperature through the increased surface area contact of the water... whatever, it works! temporarily, anyway). and because he was coughing, lynn at one point turned on a hot shower in the bathroom, and filled it with steam... meantime, i searched the internet and found out about juvenile onset still's disease, a joint disorder (believed autoimmune) characterized by nocturnal fevers (recurrent) and transient rashes... had nothing to do with aiden, but at 2-3 in the morning, desperate for rest and for a "cure," anything will seem plausible.
today we went to the maui ocean center, the new museum out here. it was pretty cool. they have a pretty impressive shark tank, and what was neat was the diver (feeding the sharks) interacted and answered questions posed by the audience, via a speaker. there was this large stingray with a wingspan at least as wide as the diver was tall who kept feeding right off the vertical wall of glass ("they're suction feeders," explained the diver). stingrays look kind of like they have a "happy face" on their undersides...
and there was this smaller spotted eagle ray that kept getting too aggressive, spiraling around the diver, trying to get direct access to his feed pouch...
... tiger sharks, hammer heads, black tips, white tips...
other things that were interesting (to me) were the octopus (which changed color INSTANTLY when i put my hand near the glass), and the turtle display... we heard that there were three types of turtles common in hawaiian waters: green sea turtles, hawkbills, and leatherbacks. green sea turtles used to be endangered, but they are becoming more and more common (after all, even i've seen a few of them at the beach, almost ran into one underwater). hawkbills are endangered not because they are hunted for food (they eat poisonous sponges, and thus are inedible) but for their shells, which are "shingled." and leatherbacks, the rarest, but sometimes visible in deep ocean waters- well, the speaker said that they can grow as large as volkswagon beetles! and weigh 1,500 pounds!
willow and aiden found the jellyfish the most fascinating part of the aquarium... and i do admit, they are really hypnotic. the tank was sort of like a large lava lamp. maybe someday i will put a column tank like that in, with live jellyfish... and when i want to be dr. evil, i will push my nemeses into the tank and watch as they get stung and needled to death! mwahahahaha... (sorry)
we ate lunch at bale, we had a couple of bowls of pho. great stuff. especially when you feel kinda under the weather...
so we're back in our room now taking it easy... kids watching tmbg here come the 1 2 3's. it's actually fun to sing the songs with them, and, on occasion, dance. yes, dance. i think dancing skills are passed on genetically. aiden dances instinctively like a dork (my influence). willow dances like a swimming fairy.
okay, so i have to stop being a wallflower now.
today we went to the maui ocean center, the new museum out here. it was pretty cool. they have a pretty impressive shark tank, and what was neat was the diver (feeding the sharks) interacted and answered questions posed by the audience, via a speaker. there was this large stingray with a wingspan at least as wide as the diver was tall who kept feeding right off the vertical wall of glass ("they're suction feeders," explained the diver). stingrays look kind of like they have a "happy face" on their undersides...
and there was this smaller spotted eagle ray that kept getting too aggressive, spiraling around the diver, trying to get direct access to his feed pouch...
... tiger sharks, hammer heads, black tips, white tips...
other things that were interesting (to me) were the octopus (which changed color INSTANTLY when i put my hand near the glass), and the turtle display... we heard that there were three types of turtles common in hawaiian waters: green sea turtles, hawkbills, and leatherbacks. green sea turtles used to be endangered, but they are becoming more and more common (after all, even i've seen a few of them at the beach, almost ran into one underwater). hawkbills are endangered not because they are hunted for food (they eat poisonous sponges, and thus are inedible) but for their shells, which are "shingled." and leatherbacks, the rarest, but sometimes visible in deep ocean waters- well, the speaker said that they can grow as large as volkswagon beetles! and weigh 1,500 pounds!
willow and aiden found the jellyfish the most fascinating part of the aquarium... and i do admit, they are really hypnotic. the tank was sort of like a large lava lamp. maybe someday i will put a column tank like that in, with live jellyfish... and when i want to be dr. evil, i will push my nemeses into the tank and watch as they get stung and needled to death! mwahahahaha... (sorry)
we ate lunch at bale, we had a couple of bowls of pho. great stuff. especially when you feel kinda under the weather...
so we're back in our room now taking it easy... kids watching tmbg here come the 1 2 3's. it's actually fun to sing the songs with them, and, on occasion, dance. yes, dance. i think dancing skills are passed on genetically. aiden dances instinctively like a dork (my influence). willow dances like a swimming fairy.
okay, so i have to stop being a wallflower now.
Monday, June 16, 2008
maui-lani
i am currently on maui.
my parents have this timeshare on maui, and they needed to use it before it expired. so now, we're on maui for a week. me, my wife, willow and aiden are all in one room on the 8th floor of the kahana resort, and my parents, kathy, marcus and kara area ll in another room a couple of doors down.
kahana is on the western side of the "head" of maui, a few minutes away from lahaina. our timeshare unit is surprisingly nice, and we have an expansive view of the ocean, all the way to (i think) the islands of molokai and lanai.
unfortunately, willow and aiden are sick (in different ways). willow has been suffering from bouts of diarrhea, and aiden has periodic fevers. last night, starting from roughly 1 in the morning, my wife and i cared for him, giving him tylenol meltaways, having him drink electrolytes, soaking him in warm bathwater, wiping him down with a damp cloth. every now and then, he would cough, sounding like he was about to throw up, and i would have to scramble from whatever outlandish position i was sleeping in to take him to the nearest bowl/trashcan. turns out he didn't vomit, but we weren't taking any chances...
as a result of last night, my neck is currently "tweaked." i can't turn my head, particularly to the right. technically, i think i've got a levator scapula strain, but it seems a bit more extensive than that. usually, i'm pretty good about how i sleep, like lying on my back... but i woke up this morning lying on my stomach, my head turned, and a small pool of drool... my wife jokes about how i have to turn my whole body around whenever she calls... haha. ouch.
so far, we haven't done much. we arrived yesterday afternoon, but by the time we got to the kahana resort, it was already about 4 or 5. we just went over to the nearby sands at kahana restaurant. i had to act the part of the disciplinarian uncle a few times (take out the s**t stick). at one point, marcus was leaning with his palms on a nearby empty table, and (i swear) if i didn't shout out his name, he would've toppled the entire table, utensils and settings and all... i think i kind of hurt his feelings, he was really subdued after that, but... GOOD! sometimes, children need to appreciate appropriate behavior...
actually kathy and marcus are doing pretty good. we've been somewhat paranoid about their rambunctious ways, worried that "overexposure" would transfer to willow and aiden (i know, i know, "segregationist ideas"). but so far they've been really good. i think kathy and marcus look upon us (lynn and i) as caring role-models (at least i hope they do). i know they must sometimes feel something "wrong" with regards to their family situation. if i didn't have kids of my own, i'd spend a lot more time with them... they are both brilliant- they sometimes just need to appreciate context, and sometimes stray into the adhd category.
this morning, we played a lot at the downstairs pool, at the beach, in the hot tub. after that, we drove over to lahaina to eat lunch at the nearest mcdonald's. on the way back, we ended up going to hilo hattie's (lynn and my mom wanted to buy matching hawaiian outfits for all the kids). in the meantime, i tuned a couple of ukuleles (to my own preference), and read a story called "hina" (hina is the hawaiian word for grey, and willow's middle name) to willow.
by the time the shopping was over, it was about 1:30. and the kids were wilting. so we just decided to head back to the resort (having kids really cuts down on what you are able to do in a day!). we took a long nap, during which time my neck seems to have gotten somewhat worse. and then, i finally took advantage of the internet connection in the room to write this message to you (y'all).
my impressions of maui so far? well, funny. i actually have the distinct impression i've been here before. i mean, i have, twice actually. one with the swim team (aloha aquatics) and another with the honolulu boys' choir. the second visit, i think we actually stayed HERE, in kahana. i had this deja vu experience as i sat on the beach...
maui is generally quieter, and the building codes prevent a lot of "upward" construction; you don't see shopping malls going more than a floor or two up.
also, there are a lot of white people. i'd heard this before, but it's somewhat disconcerting. you can't tell tourists from locals. strange, but I feel like an outsider (a "haole") here. i don't know if it's paranoia, but sometimes when we walk into a restaurant, i feel eyes upon me, like: "ha, it's a 'local'; but WE rule here." okay, okay, i AM being paranoid. we've been treated really nice here. i think i've just been really tired. but one thing is true: there ARE a lot of white people here. i think the only ethnic people we've seen have been some filipino salespeople over at hilo hattie's.
more later.
my parents have this timeshare on maui, and they needed to use it before it expired. so now, we're on maui for a week. me, my wife, willow and aiden are all in one room on the 8th floor of the kahana resort, and my parents, kathy, marcus and kara area ll in another room a couple of doors down.
kahana is on the western side of the "head" of maui, a few minutes away from lahaina. our timeshare unit is surprisingly nice, and we have an expansive view of the ocean, all the way to (i think) the islands of molokai and lanai.
unfortunately, willow and aiden are sick (in different ways). willow has been suffering from bouts of diarrhea, and aiden has periodic fevers. last night, starting from roughly 1 in the morning, my wife and i cared for him, giving him tylenol meltaways, having him drink electrolytes, soaking him in warm bathwater, wiping him down with a damp cloth. every now and then, he would cough, sounding like he was about to throw up, and i would have to scramble from whatever outlandish position i was sleeping in to take him to the nearest bowl/trashcan. turns out he didn't vomit, but we weren't taking any chances...
as a result of last night, my neck is currently "tweaked." i can't turn my head, particularly to the right. technically, i think i've got a levator scapula strain, but it seems a bit more extensive than that. usually, i'm pretty good about how i sleep, like lying on my back... but i woke up this morning lying on my stomach, my head turned, and a small pool of drool... my wife jokes about how i have to turn my whole body around whenever she calls... haha. ouch.
so far, we haven't done much. we arrived yesterday afternoon, but by the time we got to the kahana resort, it was already about 4 or 5. we just went over to the nearby sands at kahana restaurant. i had to act the part of the disciplinarian uncle a few times (take out the s**t stick). at one point, marcus was leaning with his palms on a nearby empty table, and (i swear) if i didn't shout out his name, he would've toppled the entire table, utensils and settings and all... i think i kind of hurt his feelings, he was really subdued after that, but... GOOD! sometimes, children need to appreciate appropriate behavior...
actually kathy and marcus are doing pretty good. we've been somewhat paranoid about their rambunctious ways, worried that "overexposure" would transfer to willow and aiden (i know, i know, "segregationist ideas"). but so far they've been really good. i think kathy and marcus look upon us (lynn and i) as caring role-models (at least i hope they do). i know they must sometimes feel something "wrong" with regards to their family situation. if i didn't have kids of my own, i'd spend a lot more time with them... they are both brilliant- they sometimes just need to appreciate context, and sometimes stray into the adhd category.
this morning, we played a lot at the downstairs pool, at the beach, in the hot tub. after that, we drove over to lahaina to eat lunch at the nearest mcdonald's. on the way back, we ended up going to hilo hattie's (lynn and my mom wanted to buy matching hawaiian outfits for all the kids). in the meantime, i tuned a couple of ukuleles (to my own preference), and read a story called "hina" (hina is the hawaiian word for grey, and willow's middle name) to willow.
by the time the shopping was over, it was about 1:30. and the kids were wilting. so we just decided to head back to the resort (having kids really cuts down on what you are able to do in a day!). we took a long nap, during which time my neck seems to have gotten somewhat worse. and then, i finally took advantage of the internet connection in the room to write this message to you (y'all).
my impressions of maui so far? well, funny. i actually have the distinct impression i've been here before. i mean, i have, twice actually. one with the swim team (aloha aquatics) and another with the honolulu boys' choir. the second visit, i think we actually stayed HERE, in kahana. i had this deja vu experience as i sat on the beach...
maui is generally quieter, and the building codes prevent a lot of "upward" construction; you don't see shopping malls going more than a floor or two up.
also, there are a lot of white people. i'd heard this before, but it's somewhat disconcerting. you can't tell tourists from locals. strange, but I feel like an outsider (a "haole") here. i don't know if it's paranoia, but sometimes when we walk into a restaurant, i feel eyes upon me, like: "ha, it's a 'local'; but WE rule here." okay, okay, i AM being paranoid. we've been treated really nice here. i think i've just been really tired. but one thing is true: there ARE a lot of white people here. i think the only ethnic people we've seen have been some filipino salespeople over at hilo hattie's.
more later.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
magical things i saw in the company of shodo
1) okay, maybe not so magical, but for a rude hawaiian, hey, it was pretty cool... shodo called it hitachi or hibashira, or something, i think it was intended to mean a pillar to the sun. one freaking cold winter's day, when my nostrils instantly froze shut, and the water vapor was freezing out of the air (what's the opposite of sublimation?) and turning into diamond dust, we looked up and out over the temple grounds, and we saw the sunlight rising up in a vertical shaft to the sun. no, it wasn't a jacob's ladder, it was an actual pillar of light. it had something to do with ice in the air, or something. but to me, it was a sign that, yes, perhaps kannon sama or avalokitesvara, or whatever, was rolling out the golden carpet for me, so that i too could become an enlightened and compassionate being... and then i had to rub my nose and my ears because my blood was turning into red shave ice inside the cartilagenous extremities, and when i told shodo this, my numb and frozen lips made me sound even more like a retard... so that sort of spoiled my sublime moment (again, what's the opposite of sublimation?).
2) a pillar of tea leaves. so, we were drinking tea, and shodo asked if i had ever heard of reading tea leaves. yes, i said, and then stared blankly at the tea leaves in my cup, trying to find a pattern. uh, it looked like a raccoon sliding a crescent moon between his legs to clean his ass... and then shodo showed me his cup. to my amazement, and i'm not shitting you, the tea leaves in his cup were STACKED, forming a near perfect pillar. and i'm not talking about just a couple of leaves that happened to be one atop the other; it was a real pillar of leaves, extending halfway into the depth of the cup!
3) a dragon of clouds. so i remember it being like new years eve, or new years day or something. and shodo and a bunch of his high school friends (an interesting bunch) decided to drive up to some cliff overlooking the sea to enjoy the view...
*side note: i remember us stopping over at a friend's house. this friend had just recently gotten hitched, and was, no doubt, at the time we bothered them, "enjoying her company." but just like rude high school kids, we went to this guy's house (musta been like 3 am) and we made a lot of noise, and demanded that this guy accompany us on our drive to this cliff. and i remembered standing in the poor guy's house, and the wife was just huddled in bed with the sheets pulled up (her shoulders were bare) glaring at us... and meanwhile, on the tv was some late night japanese show, pretty risque: at first, it looked like scenes from a japanese av, close ups of breasts, of hips, accompanied by that distinctively high-pitched barking (sorry?) you hear on japanese porn... and then, it was revealed that that clip was all MEN. the breasts (YUCK!) were actually the man breasts of one fat dude. the ass shot was of one really skinny dude. and the voice, why that was yet another dude, with a prepubescent voice! i kinda felt dazed. dirty. disappointed... i recall wanting to get out of there, leave the two lovebirds alone... but i guess shodo was just being chummy, wanting to get "the guys" together...
so we got to the hill leading up to the cliff. and the car got stuck. so i and a couple of the other guys got out to push... i was wearing these stupid looking purple knee high boots that i'd bought just for the winter... and as i pushed and pushed, i suddenly lost traction, and wound up landing on my face in the snow, much to the amusement of everyone there... ANYWAY, we finally pushed the car out, proceeded to the cliff on foot the last 100 feet or so, and as we exited the tree cover...
i swear to you...
we saw a clear silver sky, with a white sun, and just off to one side, a cloud formation IN THE SHAPE OF A CHINESE DRAGON.
i will never forget that.
2) a pillar of tea leaves. so, we were drinking tea, and shodo asked if i had ever heard of reading tea leaves. yes, i said, and then stared blankly at the tea leaves in my cup, trying to find a pattern. uh, it looked like a raccoon sliding a crescent moon between his legs to clean his ass... and then shodo showed me his cup. to my amazement, and i'm not shitting you, the tea leaves in his cup were STACKED, forming a near perfect pillar. and i'm not talking about just a couple of leaves that happened to be one atop the other; it was a real pillar of leaves, extending halfway into the depth of the cup!
3) a dragon of clouds. so i remember it being like new years eve, or new years day or something. and shodo and a bunch of his high school friends (an interesting bunch) decided to drive up to some cliff overlooking the sea to enjoy the view...
*side note: i remember us stopping over at a friend's house. this friend had just recently gotten hitched, and was, no doubt, at the time we bothered them, "enjoying her company." but just like rude high school kids, we went to this guy's house (musta been like 3 am) and we made a lot of noise, and demanded that this guy accompany us on our drive to this cliff. and i remembered standing in the poor guy's house, and the wife was just huddled in bed with the sheets pulled up (her shoulders were bare) glaring at us... and meanwhile, on the tv was some late night japanese show, pretty risque: at first, it looked like scenes from a japanese av, close ups of breasts, of hips, accompanied by that distinctively high-pitched barking (sorry?) you hear on japanese porn... and then, it was revealed that that clip was all MEN. the breasts (YUCK!) were actually the man breasts of one fat dude. the ass shot was of one really skinny dude. and the voice, why that was yet another dude, with a prepubescent voice! i kinda felt dazed. dirty. disappointed... i recall wanting to get out of there, leave the two lovebirds alone... but i guess shodo was just being chummy, wanting to get "the guys" together...
so we got to the hill leading up to the cliff. and the car got stuck. so i and a couple of the other guys got out to push... i was wearing these stupid looking purple knee high boots that i'd bought just for the winter... and as i pushed and pushed, i suddenly lost traction, and wound up landing on my face in the snow, much to the amusement of everyone there... ANYWAY, we finally pushed the car out, proceeded to the cliff on foot the last 100 feet or so, and as we exited the tree cover...
i swear to you...
we saw a clear silver sky, with a white sun, and just off to one side, a cloud formation IN THE SHAPE OF A CHINESE DRAGON.
i will never forget that.
hope, the sparkle fish
shimmered the water did
a school of fish
into being.
the fracturing
of light over their scales
the playing of it
into needles aimed to
glance
upon the surface
of corneas.
hope is that.
a collision
of an opportune moment
and eyes that
are not too closed
to be blind.
cherish it while you can.
the afterimages won't hold up
forever,
the relief patterns
leftover may
disappoint,
even upset or depress.
but that doesn't change
the fact of that moment
where the universe flashed
and you winked.
a school of fish
into being.
the fracturing
of light over their scales
the playing of it
into needles aimed to
glance
upon the surface
of corneas.
hope is that.
a collision
of an opportune moment
and eyes that
are not too closed
to be blind.
cherish it while you can.
the afterimages won't hold up
forever,
the relief patterns
leftover may
disappoint,
even upset or depress.
but that doesn't change
the fact of that moment
where the universe flashed
and you winked.
Friday, June 13, 2008
the ice age
there were blind years
stretched like graveyards
under snowdrifts
they passed sleeping
and frozen
while the world
whirled and whistled
restless and unsettled.
piss on that time
write my name in bright
vitamin c yellow
i'm claiming that ice age
as mine, signing.
maybe with enough urine
and my steam dragon breath
i'll see the epitaphs
of who i used to be
dig beneath the stony permafrost
and find archaeological
evidence
australopithecus (sp?)
or some other nameless cave dweller
who actually existed
lonely hunter of
mastodons
before the globe
warmed
like a falling tear.
stretched like graveyards
under snowdrifts
they passed sleeping
and frozen
while the world
whirled and whistled
restless and unsettled.
piss on that time
write my name in bright
vitamin c yellow
i'm claiming that ice age
as mine, signing.
maybe with enough urine
and my steam dragon breath
i'll see the epitaphs
of who i used to be
dig beneath the stony permafrost
and find archaeological
evidence
australopithecus (sp?)
or some other nameless cave dweller
who actually existed
lonely hunter of
mastodons
before the globe
warmed
like a falling tear.
witness to the miracle
i once pushed a professed quadraplegic up the holy mountain
(okay, so she wasn't quadraplegic, but she was wheelchair bound,
and it wasn't exactly a holy mountain, just the nearest to ojiba).
we passed a shinto waterfall and a buddhist temple
all in the middle of nowhere (wondering how people lived
without cars and access to the kfc or
the bread bakery in the hondori)
we passed a huge boulder with iron rings stapled into its side
and i wondered why i hadn't come here with someone interested
and interesting
climbed the rings and made love
on the hard warm surface
between the gaps in the trees
and the wind of the valley
our sounds falling like god's graces upon
the 2:00 moment of silence
in the holy city below.
instead, i pushed the quadraplegic (who wasn't, really) up the mountain
my hands gripping the handles of her wheelchair
and when i let her listen to my walkman
she seemed taken aback
soul asylum lyrics said something about
not caring about wheelchairs
and so much left to do with my life
i reassured her that it was a figure of speech
and turned away,
wondering why i was there,
what i was doing,
where was that pleasant spot in the sun
and the one i could ignore it with
oblivious
of being blessed,
one of the young and innocently depraved
where was the so much left to do with my life
there behind the wheelchair
was the so much distance
to get somewhere i never wanted to be
with someone i wanted to help
but not really.
no, not really.
when we finally reached the summit,
and her last footsteps were taken,
shakily,
on her own,
it was to be later proclaimed a miracle
and i the supposed catalyst
and the photograph taken
at the sign on the summit
me leaning on it
showed my smile
showed my teeth
but even in it,
the witness to the miracle
was looking somewhere to the left
into the distance.
(okay, so she wasn't quadraplegic, but she was wheelchair bound,
and it wasn't exactly a holy mountain, just the nearest to ojiba).
we passed a shinto waterfall and a buddhist temple
all in the middle of nowhere (wondering how people lived
without cars and access to the kfc or
the bread bakery in the hondori)
we passed a huge boulder with iron rings stapled into its side
and i wondered why i hadn't come here with someone interested
and interesting
climbed the rings and made love
on the hard warm surface
between the gaps in the trees
and the wind of the valley
our sounds falling like god's graces upon
the 2:00 moment of silence
in the holy city below.
instead, i pushed the quadraplegic (who wasn't, really) up the mountain
my hands gripping the handles of her wheelchair
and when i let her listen to my walkman
she seemed taken aback
soul asylum lyrics said something about
not caring about wheelchairs
and so much left to do with my life
i reassured her that it was a figure of speech
and turned away,
wondering why i was there,
what i was doing,
where was that pleasant spot in the sun
and the one i could ignore it with
oblivious
of being blessed,
one of the young and innocently depraved
where was the so much left to do with my life
there behind the wheelchair
was the so much distance
to get somewhere i never wanted to be
with someone i wanted to help
but not really.
no, not really.
when we finally reached the summit,
and her last footsteps were taken,
shakily,
on her own,
it was to be later proclaimed a miracle
and i the supposed catalyst
and the photograph taken
at the sign on the summit
me leaning on it
showed my smile
showed my teeth
but even in it,
the witness to the miracle
was looking somewhere to the left
into the distance.
subtlety
they call it subtlety
but it should be subtle b
what you don't hear is
that silent b
interrupting
with announcements of
b-ingness.
subtlety...
...but the b has to be there
even if you don't hear it
because b-ing is to be
and everything that's said is,
and nothing goes
without saying
(or spelling).
what i'm trying to say
in a not too obvious way
is that subtlety IS ("it B")
even when it pretends it ain'T.
there you go.
subtlety.
but it should be subtle b
what you don't hear is
that silent b
interrupting
with announcements of
b-ingness.
subtlety...
...but the b has to be there
even if you don't hear it
because b-ing is to be
and everything that's said is,
and nothing goes
without saying
(or spelling).
what i'm trying to say
in a not too obvious way
is that subtlety IS ("it B")
even when it pretends it ain'T.
there you go.
subtlety.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
another naruto idea
pain has the rinneigan (sometimes translated as the reincarnation eye). i've said before that i thought pain had some connection to uchiha madara's younger brother. the problem with that theory is that madara was from several generations ago, and "nagato" (the original rinneigan kid) was a youngster when he first appeared in the storyline. i said that nagato bore a strange resemblance to madara's younger brother, but that younger brother must have died ages ago...
BUT. if the rinneigan is a reincarnation eye, then perhaps nagato was a reincarnation of madara's brother. nagato's original "innocence" was due to the fact that he hadn't "awakened" to his past life as madara's younger brother. perhaps after uchiha madara caught up to him, well, that's when nagato became "PAIN."
... other stuff... what's the deal with the mizukage??? apparently, whoever the mizukage was is also uchiha madara (tobi's) real identity... what's going on!?
BUT. if the rinneigan is a reincarnation eye, then perhaps nagato was a reincarnation of madara's brother. nagato's original "innocence" was due to the fact that he hadn't "awakened" to his past life as madara's younger brother. perhaps after uchiha madara caught up to him, well, that's when nagato became "PAIN."
... other stuff... what's the deal with the mizukage??? apparently, whoever the mizukage was is also uchiha madara (tobi's) real identity... what's going on!?
sad: awareness of mortality
willow was going over the months of the year.
willow: daddy, after december is it january again?
me: yeah. it starts all over again. january february march...
willow (after thinking for a moment): it keeps going on and on forever and ever. even after i die, it will keep going, yeah daddy?
it's strange, how matter-of-fact she is about her own death. i don't think i really thought about death until- well, maybe a couple of decades into life! i think willow's born mature in some concepts- like to be aware of the fact that the world goes on without you, that requires a certain objectivity, a distancing from your own personal perspective... aside from the cognitive capacity required, i think most people (myself) would feel- i don't know- self-pity? attachment? at the fact that the world would go on without me...
i know one thing.
my world will NOT go on without her.
willow: daddy, after december is it january again?
me: yeah. it starts all over again. january february march...
willow (after thinking for a moment): it keeps going on and on forever and ever. even after i die, it will keep going, yeah daddy?
it's strange, how matter-of-fact she is about her own death. i don't think i really thought about death until- well, maybe a couple of decades into life! i think willow's born mature in some concepts- like to be aware of the fact that the world goes on without you, that requires a certain objectivity, a distancing from your own personal perspective... aside from the cognitive capacity required, i think most people (myself) would feel- i don't know- self-pity? attachment? at the fact that the world would go on without me...
i know one thing.
my world will NOT go on without her.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
insurance policy (to kids) {SAPPY}
just in case i don't cross the bridge
between today and tomorrow
please remember that
i love you.
just in case i'm not there
when you've tried your best
to earn my respect
and a distant word of praise
please remember
i was proud of you from day zero.
just in case you can't see my face
or even recall the sound of my voice
as the days roll like waves across your life
please remember
i was there with you once
and when my face brightened
or my voice laughed
it was all because of you.
i want you to know this
in your heart:
remember it:
time and accidents and the world
are all distractions
and when you've returned from them
sometimes think of me.
i'll be the ground that rises up
to touch your feet,
and the air and the light
that breathes you and warms you.
i'll be the love
that, after all,
is the only thing that matters.
between today and tomorrow
please remember that
i love you.
just in case i'm not there
when you've tried your best
to earn my respect
and a distant word of praise
please remember
i was proud of you from day zero.
just in case you can't see my face
or even recall the sound of my voice
as the days roll like waves across your life
please remember
i was there with you once
and when my face brightened
or my voice laughed
it was all because of you.
i want you to know this
in your heart:
remember it:
time and accidents and the world
are all distractions
and when you've returned from them
sometimes think of me.
i'll be the ground that rises up
to touch your feet,
and the air and the light
that breathes you and warms you.
i'll be the love
that, after all,
is the only thing that matters.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
class project 001 by ickest
okay, so i found this one on kateri's blog, "unnecessary" (she also works on a blog that documents weird [ghost] stories from hawaii). i thought this was so-o-o funny. warning that it does contain "language" and is somewhat offensive... (but funny!)
Monday, June 9, 2008
etymology is cool.
from "www.etymonline.com":
- jack-in-the-box
- 1570, originally a name for a sharp or cheat, "who deceived tradesmen by substituting empty boxes for others full of money" [Robert Nares, "A Glossary of Words, Phrases, Names, and Allusions," London, 1905]. As a type of toy, it is attested from 1702.
- jade (1)
- "gemstone," 1598, from Fr. le jade, error for earlier l'ejade, from Sp. piedra de (la) ijada (1569), "stone of colic, pain in the side" (jade was thought to cure this), from V.L. *iliata, from L. ilia (pl.) "flanks, kidney area."
- jade (2)
- "worn-out horse," c.1386, possibly from O.N. jalda "mare," from Finno-Ugric (cf. Mordvin al'd'a "mare"). As a term of abuse for a woman, it dates from 1560. Jaded "dulled by continual indulgence" is from 1631.
also, interestingly enough, jade (gemstone) could have also been an indirect reference to fatigue; kidney or flank pain may be considered symptomatic of certain forms of indulgence. that applying the gemstone to the area in question was thought to be a remedy could be another way that we arrive at the current meaning of "jaded."
check out the new slideshow
okay, being a parent again. but i've decided to include another slideshow displaying my kids' work. so far, i've only uploaded some of willow's recent stuff. i know it's hard to see, so please feel free to click on it to go to picasa. some of it's pretty funny when you look at it up close.
make your universe vast
something got me to thinking. perhaps it was piaget's term, "equilibration." according to piaget, what motivates a subject to develop (to "learn") is the need to "equilibrate" or find equilibrium with his/her environment. as piaget is a cognitive theorist, this equilibrium entails not only adaptation to the external environment, but a kind of cognitive consistency in the internal workings of the mind as well. the changing demands of the environment and the asymptotic inconsistencies in our internal schemata of the world continually create "disturbances" or imbalances (i'm tempted to sound jedi-ish, and end with "in the force..."). the subject is thus motivated to learn in order to reduce or eliminate these imbalances.
this idea is not new. it's been couched in different terms, certainly, but i think it's pretty standard fare to say that an organism develops in order to achieve a degree of homeostasis.
piaget believed development occurred in four stages. the final stage, designated the formal operational stage (if i recall), ends at (i think) age 17??? for piaget, this is the final stage, because all subsequent learning is more or less a patina over the "groundwork" of all previous stages.
piaget also believed that each stage began with the subject in a state he called egocentrism. this is not precisely the "egocentrism" we think about when we say, "oh he's selfish and egocentric." it is, rather, a state of ambiguity and vagueness, because the subject cannot DISTINGUISH the self from its object (which changes depending upon the stage). development in piaget's system, then, is one of progressive differentiation and distinction, a refinement or abstraction if you will, of cognitive schemata.
...
okay, so on a totally unrelated note. i was thinking about kids in my elementary school (and arguably everyone everywhere). in the beginning of the school year, there would be a lot of new kids. and their eyes would be kind of soft and gentle; there is a sparkle in the eyes of innocence, in the eyes of those who don't precisely know where they fit in. i always found those types of eyes beautiful. i believe the universe is found in such eyes. these are the eyes of children, by the way.
by a few months in, those eyes are gone. most kids have found their friends, have discovered where they belong. and there is a kind of haze or film over the eyes at that point. some might perceive this as a kind of clarity, as a kind of "dead certainty." but that's exactly it. eyes that know their place have solidified, are, in a certain sense, clear as the edge of a rock.
i tried to think about this phenomena, this changing of the eyes, so to speak, in piaget's terms. although we idealize the end-goal of each stage of development, let's not discount the beauty of the beginning, of being in "disequilibrium", innocent and unknowing and confounded. for once we achieve equilibration and mastery, we have in essence deadened both ourselves and our world.
this is why i idealize, paradoxically, things like: blindness, being a fool, being a "rude hawaiian," being a beginner. to return to the state of disequilibrium and imbalance is to make future growth possible. it is to "take the lid" off life, and the universe at large. it is to make of life a journey that never ends, not in a negative sense, but in a truly positive sense. sometimes arrival is the worst thing that can happen, because once you arrive, you stop moving, and once you stop moving, you stop living. to keep life and the universe alive, we must learn how to continually be humble and "stupid" and "idiotic", if only so that we can continue to learn and live.
i call this the principle of "making the universe vast."
by the way, i believe it applies to child-rearing and teaching. yes, i know my children. but with each interaction, i try to see them with new eyes, as though i don't know them at all. and, lo and behold! they continually surprise me. isn't it funny? by "not seeing", i am able to see...
this idea is not new. it's been couched in different terms, certainly, but i think it's pretty standard fare to say that an organism develops in order to achieve a degree of homeostasis.
piaget believed development occurred in four stages. the final stage, designated the formal operational stage (if i recall), ends at (i think) age 17??? for piaget, this is the final stage, because all subsequent learning is more or less a patina over the "groundwork" of all previous stages.
piaget also believed that each stage began with the subject in a state he called egocentrism. this is not precisely the "egocentrism" we think about when we say, "oh he's selfish and egocentric." it is, rather, a state of ambiguity and vagueness, because the subject cannot DISTINGUISH the self from its object (which changes depending upon the stage). development in piaget's system, then, is one of progressive differentiation and distinction, a refinement or abstraction if you will, of cognitive schemata.
...
okay, so on a totally unrelated note. i was thinking about kids in my elementary school (and arguably everyone everywhere). in the beginning of the school year, there would be a lot of new kids. and their eyes would be kind of soft and gentle; there is a sparkle in the eyes of innocence, in the eyes of those who don't precisely know where they fit in. i always found those types of eyes beautiful. i believe the universe is found in such eyes. these are the eyes of children, by the way.
by a few months in, those eyes are gone. most kids have found their friends, have discovered where they belong. and there is a kind of haze or film over the eyes at that point. some might perceive this as a kind of clarity, as a kind of "dead certainty." but that's exactly it. eyes that know their place have solidified, are, in a certain sense, clear as the edge of a rock.
i tried to think about this phenomena, this changing of the eyes, so to speak, in piaget's terms. although we idealize the end-goal of each stage of development, let's not discount the beauty of the beginning, of being in "disequilibrium", innocent and unknowing and confounded. for once we achieve equilibration and mastery, we have in essence deadened both ourselves and our world.
this is why i idealize, paradoxically, things like: blindness, being a fool, being a "rude hawaiian," being a beginner. to return to the state of disequilibrium and imbalance is to make future growth possible. it is to "take the lid" off life, and the universe at large. it is to make of life a journey that never ends, not in a negative sense, but in a truly positive sense. sometimes arrival is the worst thing that can happen, because once you arrive, you stop moving, and once you stop moving, you stop living. to keep life and the universe alive, we must learn how to continually be humble and "stupid" and "idiotic", if only so that we can continue to learn and live.
i call this the principle of "making the universe vast."
by the way, i believe it applies to child-rearing and teaching. yes, i know my children. but with each interaction, i try to see them with new eyes, as though i don't know them at all. and, lo and behold! they continually surprise me. isn't it funny? by "not seeing", i am able to see...
bad sunday
so i had to work this morning. and i was t-i-r-e-d. i put all my effort into doing the treatments, and then at 11, i went to starbucks waikele to work on my stinking paper. last night, i'd gone through the readings once again to take notes on things i could possibly write about...
here's the thing about comparison/contrast papers. they only work if there's some similarity between the two things you're writing about. if they are fundamentally different, what have you got to say? sure, you can talk about the differences/contrasts, but that's pretty obvious. so what happened with the paper was i started making "forced comparisons." it- FELT- ugly.
here's the deal. skinner's a behaviorist, piaget's a cognitive theorist. behaviorists by nature tend to discount all "internal psychological workings", because they are not objectively observable (scientific) phenomena, and they are not typically subject to the sort of rigorous experimentation that behaviorists like. cognitive theory, by contrast (jeez, i feel like i'm writing the paper all over again), is directly concerned with the "inner workings of the mind," particularly as they relate to the development of (piaget's term) schemata.
what i eventually did was this: i compared skinner (and all behaviorists) to pruners or hedge trimmers: not concerned about the health of the tree, but concerned about the shape. not in control of where a given branch grows, but in control of whether or not to cut it or let it grow out.
then, i compared piaget to what i called the gardener; someone who is aware of each plant as a vital and active organism, motivated to "equilibrate" (piaget's term) the various conflicts it experiences...
... so it's over. for now. finished the paper at about 9:30 (due at 11 tonight).
on the way, there was a lot of carnage in the immediate family. because lynn worked till 6, and because i was working on my paper, we didn't pick up willow and aiden from my parents until late. so the kids were pretty wild and misbehavin'. my parents tend to be very liberal with the kids, to the point where they don't supervise them at all. kinda bad. what's worse, they didn't take a nap, which always sprinkles crankiness into their dispositions.
so willow had a pretty bad tantrum this evening. we eventually were able to calm her down and attempt to reason with her. but all in all, i'd say it wasn't exactly a happy ending for her.
or for us...
here's the thing about comparison/contrast papers. they only work if there's some similarity between the two things you're writing about. if they are fundamentally different, what have you got to say? sure, you can talk about the differences/contrasts, but that's pretty obvious. so what happened with the paper was i started making "forced comparisons." it- FELT- ugly.
here's the deal. skinner's a behaviorist, piaget's a cognitive theorist. behaviorists by nature tend to discount all "internal psychological workings", because they are not objectively observable (scientific) phenomena, and they are not typically subject to the sort of rigorous experimentation that behaviorists like. cognitive theory, by contrast (jeez, i feel like i'm writing the paper all over again), is directly concerned with the "inner workings of the mind," particularly as they relate to the development of (piaget's term) schemata.
what i eventually did was this: i compared skinner (and all behaviorists) to pruners or hedge trimmers: not concerned about the health of the tree, but concerned about the shape. not in control of where a given branch grows, but in control of whether or not to cut it or let it grow out.
then, i compared piaget to what i called the gardener; someone who is aware of each plant as a vital and active organism, motivated to "equilibrate" (piaget's term) the various conflicts it experiences...
... so it's over. for now. finished the paper at about 9:30 (due at 11 tonight).
on the way, there was a lot of carnage in the immediate family. because lynn worked till 6, and because i was working on my paper, we didn't pick up willow and aiden from my parents until late. so the kids were pretty wild and misbehavin'. my parents tend to be very liberal with the kids, to the point where they don't supervise them at all. kinda bad. what's worse, they didn't take a nap, which always sprinkles crankiness into their dispositions.
so willow had a pretty bad tantrum this evening. we eventually were able to calm her down and attempt to reason with her. but all in all, i'd say it wasn't exactly a happy ending for her.
or for us...
Sunday, June 8, 2008
nothing new under the sun
evening, folks (or folk). i'm writing this primarily to keep from having to write my first paper for my first online uh class. it's supposed to be this comparison/contrast of different learning theories. think i'm going to compare piaget and skinner. very different, one's cognitive, the other's behavioral, but what the hey. i wanted to compare piaget and vygotsky, since it promised to be a fruitful comparison, but the stupid author of the book we're reading from already did a bang-up job of it (thus eliminating it from our list of possible pairings, unless we wanted to get an f for parroting)...
by the way, regarding this online course. let me tell you about all my little misadventures... i'm so disorganized about things! when i registered for this course, it said that the schedule, everything, was TBA (to be announced). so i basically waited and waited for some kind of "announcement." finally, i just happen to log in to the uh website, and i discovered i had an actual mailbox there. and one of the most recent messages asked me why i hadn't visited "webct" to access my course materials??? to make a long story short, i discovered that i was more than a week late in "starting the course." no consequences gradewise yet, because the first assignment is due tomorrow evening. but with the sharp compression of time i have, we'll see what quality work i can produce!!!
actually, the reading's been pretty interesting. the first chapter i read about was primarily the behavioral perspective on learning. i was surprised to discover that, as a parent, i am a practicing behaviorist. i believe in reward and punishment, and i implicitly know the principles: like, if you want to reinforce or discourage behavior, you have to reward/punish IMMEDIATELY. it's like you're trying to make a clear link: this behavior is GOOD, so i'm rewarding you now; this behavior is bad, so i'm punishing you now. children (animals too) don't understand the "why's" of behavior; i.e., you can't expect a child to "understand" that it is inappropriate to scream in a restaurant. you can explain verbally why something is inappropriate, but little children can't/won't understand this. but they do understand punishment/rewards...
and, by the way, i'm not talking corporal punishment, something which my wife and i definitely do not believe in. there are other ways to get through to a child. time outs, for example. if a child is behaving badly in a restaurant, then take him/her to the car with you, separate him/her from the social environment, and just calmly wait while the child has the tantrum. i don't get particularly upset or anything, i just sit and wait. and when/if the child finally settles down, then i explain (even if i don't expect to be understood) why the child was on time out. and then (if it's still possible) i return to the restaurant, and we try things out again...
the first few times, it may feel like an exercise in futility and patience. but in our experience, it works.
sometimes, i think parents fail because they either:
1) make the mistake of thinking that the child is LIKE an adult; i.e., the child is capable of understanding right/wrong, appropriate/inappropriate, etc. and they just need to be "reasoned with," or, failing that, ameliorated or pacified somehow. (let me be clear that i'm talking primarily about toddler age [1.5 years on up] children, not newborns!!! newborns shouldn't be expected to "behave"; they should simply have their needs met). toddlers don't have the capacity (not necessarily, anyway) to be reasoned with.
2) make the mistake of thinking that the child is LIKE an animal; i.e., the child is an unthinking and insensitive "thing" that doesn't have the capacity to learn... abusive parents, in other words... funny how the parental expectations of the child in such scenarios mirror the nature of the abuser.
children deserve RESPECT. they deserve to be talked to as though they are valid and important (they ARE). part of that respect, however, involves teaching them (in as clear a manner as possible) the rules of right and wrong EARLY ON, before they even understand necessarily why the rules are there...
...okay, so i'm getting preachy. to be honest, i think parenting's something you just "ad lib." each situation's different, because each child is different. i have strong ideas about parenting, but i realize that my ideas are only based upon my "work" with my kids... so don't think i'm really being prescriptive or anything... it's just i've been force-feeding myself on these readings, and reflecting on it with regards to my parenting, so what comes out is pressurized, so to speak...
***
so things come in cycles. nowadays, i'm kind of just working through my uh stuff, doing treatments, teaching this tuina class. same s, different season. oh! i got the herb zoo cards, so i'm trying to refresh my knowledge of herbs, and "self-experimenting" with the validity of certain mnemonic strategies in the "absorption" of vast amounts of data... i ordered kiiko volume 2 (plus special supplies), so i'll have that to put into practice... and, after a few seasons of neglect, i'm slowly getting back into the swing of things with taiji/bagua/hsingyi. i used to do ALL of the forms at least once every other day AND do a lot of pile standing on narrow bricks for at least half an hour... hopefully, i can get back into it, AND DO MORE... i really want to get into the heart of taijiquan, applications, push hands, etc. i know someone who may want to practice with me, so... i have vague ideas of really doing the reckoner song (and others) on garage band, maybe even making a sort of "karaoke" cd of my favorite radiohead (and other) songs... i also have "ideas" of getting back into taiko (just on my own), and perhaps as part of that, learning how to play drums "western style" (so i can do faster riffs).
i think that at any given moment, our aspirations suspend us over countless infinities. but i know i can't swallow the sea. i know i can only sip at it, one mouthful at a time. and i know that life is best when i appreciate each drop that the present delivers to me... but at the very least, having a lot of interests keeps me engaged with my life...
reminds me of the whole "empty cup" proverb from zen. yeah, beginner's mind, and all that. honestly, it's what keeps life "interesting." to always know that, no matter how far you go, the journey is so infinitely far that it is as though you were STANDING STILL (i.e. ALWAYS starting fresh).
... so without further ado, i suppose i should start this paper "afresh"... wish me luck.
by the way, regarding this online course. let me tell you about all my little misadventures... i'm so disorganized about things! when i registered for this course, it said that the schedule, everything, was TBA (to be announced). so i basically waited and waited for some kind of "announcement." finally, i just happen to log in to the uh website, and i discovered i had an actual mailbox there. and one of the most recent messages asked me why i hadn't visited "webct" to access my course materials??? to make a long story short, i discovered that i was more than a week late in "starting the course." no consequences gradewise yet, because the first assignment is due tomorrow evening. but with the sharp compression of time i have, we'll see what quality work i can produce!!!
actually, the reading's been pretty interesting. the first chapter i read about was primarily the behavioral perspective on learning. i was surprised to discover that, as a parent, i am a practicing behaviorist. i believe in reward and punishment, and i implicitly know the principles: like, if you want to reinforce or discourage behavior, you have to reward/punish IMMEDIATELY. it's like you're trying to make a clear link: this behavior is GOOD, so i'm rewarding you now; this behavior is bad, so i'm punishing you now. children (animals too) don't understand the "why's" of behavior; i.e., you can't expect a child to "understand" that it is inappropriate to scream in a restaurant. you can explain verbally why something is inappropriate, but little children can't/won't understand this. but they do understand punishment/rewards...
and, by the way, i'm not talking corporal punishment, something which my wife and i definitely do not believe in. there are other ways to get through to a child. time outs, for example. if a child is behaving badly in a restaurant, then take him/her to the car with you, separate him/her from the social environment, and just calmly wait while the child has the tantrum. i don't get particularly upset or anything, i just sit and wait. and when/if the child finally settles down, then i explain (even if i don't expect to be understood) why the child was on time out. and then (if it's still possible) i return to the restaurant, and we try things out again...
the first few times, it may feel like an exercise in futility and patience. but in our experience, it works.
sometimes, i think parents fail because they either:
1) make the mistake of thinking that the child is LIKE an adult; i.e., the child is capable of understanding right/wrong, appropriate/inappropriate, etc. and they just need to be "reasoned with," or, failing that, ameliorated or pacified somehow. (let me be clear that i'm talking primarily about toddler age [1.5 years on up] children, not newborns!!! newborns shouldn't be expected to "behave"; they should simply have their needs met). toddlers don't have the capacity (not necessarily, anyway) to be reasoned with.
2) make the mistake of thinking that the child is LIKE an animal; i.e., the child is an unthinking and insensitive "thing" that doesn't have the capacity to learn... abusive parents, in other words... funny how the parental expectations of the child in such scenarios mirror the nature of the abuser.
children deserve RESPECT. they deserve to be talked to as though they are valid and important (they ARE). part of that respect, however, involves teaching them (in as clear a manner as possible) the rules of right and wrong EARLY ON, before they even understand necessarily why the rules are there...
...okay, so i'm getting preachy. to be honest, i think parenting's something you just "ad lib." each situation's different, because each child is different. i have strong ideas about parenting, but i realize that my ideas are only based upon my "work" with my kids... so don't think i'm really being prescriptive or anything... it's just i've been force-feeding myself on these readings, and reflecting on it with regards to my parenting, so what comes out is pressurized, so to speak...
***
so things come in cycles. nowadays, i'm kind of just working through my uh stuff, doing treatments, teaching this tuina class. same s, different season. oh! i got the herb zoo cards, so i'm trying to refresh my knowledge of herbs, and "self-experimenting" with the validity of certain mnemonic strategies in the "absorption" of vast amounts of data... i ordered kiiko volume 2 (plus special supplies), so i'll have that to put into practice... and, after a few seasons of neglect, i'm slowly getting back into the swing of things with taiji/bagua/hsingyi. i used to do ALL of the forms at least once every other day AND do a lot of pile standing on narrow bricks for at least half an hour... hopefully, i can get back into it, AND DO MORE... i really want to get into the heart of taijiquan, applications, push hands, etc. i know someone who may want to practice with me, so... i have vague ideas of really doing the reckoner song (and others) on garage band, maybe even making a sort of "karaoke" cd of my favorite radiohead (and other) songs... i also have "ideas" of getting back into taiko (just on my own), and perhaps as part of that, learning how to play drums "western style" (so i can do faster riffs).
i think that at any given moment, our aspirations suspend us over countless infinities. but i know i can't swallow the sea. i know i can only sip at it, one mouthful at a time. and i know that life is best when i appreciate each drop that the present delivers to me... but at the very least, having a lot of interests keeps me engaged with my life...
reminds me of the whole "empty cup" proverb from zen. yeah, beginner's mind, and all that. honestly, it's what keeps life "interesting." to always know that, no matter how far you go, the journey is so infinitely far that it is as though you were STANDING STILL (i.e. ALWAYS starting fresh).
... so without further ado, i suppose i should start this paper "afresh"... wish me luck.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
karma clearance
one day only!
get what you deserve:
half off!
get that matching
retribution
you've been eyeing.
twice the punishment
at half the cost!
and with our buy now
pay later plan,
it's a deal you can't refuse!
get what you deserve:
half off!
get that matching
retribution
you've been eyeing.
twice the punishment
at half the cost!
and with our buy now
pay later plan,
it's a deal you can't refuse!
poster bored
on the walls of the freezing flat
stuck by corners with the tacky blue
the posters from san jose, california
of anime babes with doll-like eyes-
those infinitely sparkling purple eyes-
and in them
the promise of that world of
unreal technicolor and catchy
j-pop themes, of raunch and gore
paradoxically clean and precisely depicted-
those posters, those eyes hang above the bed-
which is a mattress on the hardwood floor-
they hang, bored
watching nothing in this cold
massachusetts dorm room
nothing that could compare.
on my floor,
one next door,
are the only women my racist eyes adored.
and they are taken already
by some i'd claim were my friends.
and on the coldest nights
with the window ajar
i can hear everything
and the posters,
how their corners peel.
how their corners peel.
the faces warp.
two dimensional flat faces
want a dimension more.
just one dimension more.
stuck by corners with the tacky blue
the posters from san jose, california
of anime babes with doll-like eyes-
those infinitely sparkling purple eyes-
and in them
the promise of that world of
unreal technicolor and catchy
j-pop themes, of raunch and gore
paradoxically clean and precisely depicted-
those posters, those eyes hang above the bed-
which is a mattress on the hardwood floor-
they hang, bored
watching nothing in this cold
massachusetts dorm room
nothing that could compare.
on my floor,
one next door,
are the only women my racist eyes adored.
and they are taken already
by some i'd claim were my friends.
and on the coldest nights
with the window ajar
i can hear everything
and the posters,
how their corners peel.
how their corners peel.
the faces warp.
two dimensional flat faces
want a dimension more.
just one dimension more.
perfection, everything in its skin
everything in its skin.
there is no such thing as sin
there is no real transgression
because everything is held in its skin.
violence is an illusion
there is no inviable intrusion
even if blood spills
its surface freezes in the chilling air
and as it clots, it too has a where.
and where it escapes, that jagged tear
it too has a shape and a there.
suffering has no basis
even if time never reaches its anagnorisis
and the bud bears its pregnant suffering
without blossoming or bearing,
time itself has a skin
the moment frozen like a sliced
branch with concentric circles
of endurance,
perfect and round,
in it all no sound
of scream or groan
just another photographed moment
silvered and grey as stone.
everything in its skin
everything under the sun
like the sun held by its edged corona
or all sight held by the lid.
there is no such thing as sin
there is no real transgression
because everything is held in its skin.
violence is an illusion
there is no inviable intrusion
even if blood spills
its surface freezes in the chilling air
and as it clots, it too has a where.
and where it escapes, that jagged tear
it too has a shape and a there.
suffering has no basis
even if time never reaches its anagnorisis
and the bud bears its pregnant suffering
without blossoming or bearing,
time itself has a skin
the moment frozen like a sliced
branch with concentric circles
of endurance,
perfect and round,
in it all no sound
of scream or groan
just another photographed moment
silvered and grey as stone.
everything in its skin
everything under the sun
like the sun held by its edged corona
or all sight held by the lid.
doldrums, fly on paper
whispered the maggots' mother
it tastes of memories
and it will flavor enough substance
to film gossamer wings
and eyes like finely cut jewels
so feed, my pretty brood,
feed until you become
the precious and despised spawn
of this world, the only ones to
find sustenance and beauty
in what all else refuses:
the shit and the corpse and the offal.
we are the truest artists of
"found art", and what we
find in decay and stench
is what everyone denies is in themselves,
that secret waiting to come out
that rot inside urging to be.
we pray before we touch,
and our mantra hums and sacred flying arcs
make the sacred plain for all to see.
it tastes of memories
and it will flavor enough substance
to film gossamer wings
and eyes like finely cut jewels
so feed, my pretty brood,
feed until you become
the precious and despised spawn
of this world, the only ones to
find sustenance and beauty
in what all else refuses:
the shit and the corpse and the offal.
we are the truest artists of
"found art", and what we
find in decay and stench
is what everyone denies is in themselves,
that secret waiting to come out
that rot inside urging to be.
we pray before we touch,
and our mantra hums and sacred flying arcs
make the sacred plain for all to see.
Monday, June 2, 2008
offensive defense
okay, so i may have gone a tad too far with a couple postings. this doesn't serve exactly as an apology (which maybe safer), but as some measure of an explanation. an excuse note.
two posts. the first, "ancient chinese secret." now, i'm not discounting the whole of chinese culture. gimme a break! i'm an acupuncturist, for pete's sake. my job IS chinese culture (product of). and i don't pretend to KNOW everything about chinese culture (HARDLY) or even about acupuncture. but what i was speaking about was what one of my college professors called "orientalism." it's a phenomenon of western culture, perhaps not limited to it, but particularly rife in our modern global environment, and especially so in the alternative health field, where new exotic health products seem to pop up and become "rediscovered" every month or so. to me, this is more of a marketing ploy than anything else. keep this in mind: JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING COMES FROM SOMEWHERE YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF BEFORE, WITH A NAME THAT SOUNDS, for lack of a better word, "EXOTIC," DOESN'T MEAN IT WILL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU. my post on the "ancient chinese secret" was intended to critique this sort of mystique-generating practice...
you know, there once was a villain in the spiderman comics called mysterio. he had a glass globe head. he kinda looked cool, but his only power was producing a lot of smoke and making holographic images. that's all. "ancient chinese secrets" are real, in some cases (witness some taijiquan masters, for instance), but unfortunately, in today's global marketplace, it's just like mysterio: smoke and mirrors, signifying nothing.
okay. that was easy. now on to post #2, which is offensive primarily by title. i know, i shouldn't have said it. and, especially being a religion major, i shouldn't have "poked fun" at a religion. but what i wrote was from experience. and it wasn't intended to put down either christianity, or women... if anything, it was a commentary on the adolescent mentality of young infatuated boys... for them, love is an end all be all thing, and it is profoundly selfish (i.e., "love ME"). that's really all i was trying to say.
if nothing else, i'm human, and this is a blog.
two posts. the first, "ancient chinese secret." now, i'm not discounting the whole of chinese culture. gimme a break! i'm an acupuncturist, for pete's sake. my job IS chinese culture (product of). and i don't pretend to KNOW everything about chinese culture (HARDLY) or even about acupuncture. but what i was speaking about was what one of my college professors called "orientalism." it's a phenomenon of western culture, perhaps not limited to it, but particularly rife in our modern global environment, and especially so in the alternative health field, where new exotic health products seem to pop up and become "rediscovered" every month or so. to me, this is more of a marketing ploy than anything else. keep this in mind: JUST BECAUSE SOMETHING COMES FROM SOMEWHERE YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF BEFORE, WITH A NAME THAT SOUNDS, for lack of a better word, "EXOTIC," DOESN'T MEAN IT WILL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU. my post on the "ancient chinese secret" was intended to critique this sort of mystique-generating practice...
you know, there once was a villain in the spiderman comics called mysterio. he had a glass globe head. he kinda looked cool, but his only power was producing a lot of smoke and making holographic images. that's all. "ancient chinese secrets" are real, in some cases (witness some taijiquan masters, for instance), but unfortunately, in today's global marketplace, it's just like mysterio: smoke and mirrors, signifying nothing.
okay. that was easy. now on to post #2, which is offensive primarily by title. i know, i shouldn't have said it. and, especially being a religion major, i shouldn't have "poked fun" at a religion. but what i wrote was from experience. and it wasn't intended to put down either christianity, or women... if anything, it was a commentary on the adolescent mentality of young infatuated boys... for them, love is an end all be all thing, and it is profoundly selfish (i.e., "love ME"). that's really all i was trying to say.
if nothing else, i'm human, and this is a blog.
circle
when you started
oh so long ago
not knowing where you were going
not knowing
how did you know?
(and did you know?)
the way was blind
and oh so many miles
the course seemed straight
but the distance lied about it
the distance lied
didn't you know?
how couldn't you?
it all makes sense now
(or it doesn't)
but we always end
where we began
always stepping into skin
like ouroborus snakes
becoming
what someone else
or someone us
will shed away or eat.
don't you feel complete?
to always begin
where we thought
the ending would find
our feet?
oh so long ago
not knowing where you were going
not knowing
how did you know?
(and did you know?)
the way was blind
and oh so many miles
the course seemed straight
but the distance lied about it
the distance lied
didn't you know?
how couldn't you?
it all makes sense now
(or it doesn't)
but we always end
where we began
always stepping into skin
like ouroborus snakes
becoming
what someone else
or someone us
will shed away or eat.
don't you feel complete?
to always begin
where we thought
the ending would find
our feet?
sex with christian girls
okay, so i am gonna offend readers just by the title. but it's just my opinion/perspective, alright?
so here's the story. at one point, there was this cute korean girl who seemed to be into me. she thought i was like this gentle, kind, innocent boy. which i was, maybe, on the surface. but here was the thing. she was a devout christian, and she always made it clear that she put jesus christ first. even her lover (which would have to be her husband, because, you know, no premarital sex), even he was second to christ.
now, i'm older, and i appreciate putting everything in it's place, spirituality settles all, and everything. but let me tell you. there's nothing that wrings a young (or even old) man's heart more than being told he's to play second fiddle to some son of god who's supposed to be able to walk on water and cure leprosy and other crap. (and the no sex part's not a big winner either).
most young guys who are pretty decent, maybe socially awkward, all that they want is: well, let me put it this way. it's like they would like to play a game, but they haven't got anyone to play it with. and no, "game" is not a euphemism for "sex" (although it COULD be). it's like, they'd like to experience life with someone else, see things from a different angle, see different things, see the same things... and they want to have fun playing the game. they want the other person to have fun, because that's part of having fun themselves. fun fun fun. and nothing spoils fun more than: 1) having some third party referee continually interrupting play and doing instant replays on all the illegal moves; and 2) well, having illegal moves to begin with.
what's wrong with having love be an end in itself? to be consumed by it? maybe not wholly consumed (okay, so i am getting in some dirty water here), but to be giddy/happy/crazy thinking about it, so you do unwise things, inappropriate things, "unbecoming things?"
reason and religion are great mediators, and potentially can keep things sane and stable and sedate (read boring); but they ain't exactly great aphrodesiacs.
so here's the story. at one point, there was this cute korean girl who seemed to be into me. she thought i was like this gentle, kind, innocent boy. which i was, maybe, on the surface. but here was the thing. she was a devout christian, and she always made it clear that she put jesus christ first. even her lover (which would have to be her husband, because, you know, no premarital sex), even he was second to christ.
now, i'm older, and i appreciate putting everything in it's place, spirituality settles all, and everything. but let me tell you. there's nothing that wrings a young (or even old) man's heart more than being told he's to play second fiddle to some son of god who's supposed to be able to walk on water and cure leprosy and other crap. (and the no sex part's not a big winner either).
most young guys who are pretty decent, maybe socially awkward, all that they want is: well, let me put it this way. it's like they would like to play a game, but they haven't got anyone to play it with. and no, "game" is not a euphemism for "sex" (although it COULD be). it's like, they'd like to experience life with someone else, see things from a different angle, see different things, see the same things... and they want to have fun playing the game. they want the other person to have fun, because that's part of having fun themselves. fun fun fun. and nothing spoils fun more than: 1) having some third party referee continually interrupting play and doing instant replays on all the illegal moves; and 2) well, having illegal moves to begin with.
what's wrong with having love be an end in itself? to be consumed by it? maybe not wholly consumed (okay, so i am getting in some dirty water here), but to be giddy/happy/crazy thinking about it, so you do unwise things, inappropriate things, "unbecoming things?"
reason and religion are great mediators, and potentially can keep things sane and stable and sedate (read boring); but they ain't exactly great aphrodesiacs.
three questions
okay, so answer these questions three. and answer them honestly. if you know what these answers are supposed to signify (in a pseudo-psychological sense), then forget it... you'll taint your responses with what you think/know they're supposed to mean. later, if people ask me, and ask me nicely, i'll tell you what I was told they mean.
maybe people can write their answers as comments. for laughs. and humiliation.
1) what is your favorite animal and (most importantly) WHY?
2) what is your favorite color and (again) WHY?
3) you are trapped on a deserted island. you are also completely utterly stark naked. what do you do?
maybe people can write their answers as comments. for laughs. and humiliation.
1) what is your favorite animal and (most importantly) WHY?
2) what is your favorite color and (again) WHY?
3) you are trapped on a deserted island. you are also completely utterly stark naked. what do you do?
visitation
yesterday (which was saturday), i finally got to meet clifton, my old friend from high school, who left mililani during our sophomore year (because his father was in the air force) and who i lost touch with a year or two after that. let me first say that, in all honesty, i've never had very many friends, and i've even fewer friends left. i don't consider myself misanthropic or antisocial at all, but i have always felt an insurmountable distance; i've always felt like i was on some kind of escalator or moving platform, and to stay still long enough to "relax" and truly experience the expanse of a friendship, well, it just never seemed like i could afford it. so while many people considered (and consider) me a nice guy, few people could ever make the significant effort to reach me long enough to "make contact."
clifton (or cliff, as i knew him) was one of those few people.
it's hard to describe our friendship, i suppose, except to say that it was like being aware of your parallel. there is no real contact, but every time you moved, your parallel moved too... and there was something nice about that, like a sort of confirmation or something. not the same as looking in the mirror, because that was just you, but something much more: like realizing that you were not the only one in the universe, estranged and alone... maybe it was like one person trapped on a mesa, a self-contained island unto himself, seeing another person on a similar mesa. too far to hear and too far to see distinct facial expressions... but to realize that someone else was trapped just like you somehow made the trap significantly less intolerable.
i always felt, quite frankly, humbled by cliff. he was everything that i was not. although he will deny it, he was an independent thinker (great at chess and clever puns), athletic (he could hold his own in cross country and basketball and most "land sports"; the only thing i maybe had him beat at was swimming), and with this vivacious "spark" - i don't know how else to describe it - that seemed to make everything, the impossible, possible. i, by contrast, was physically and mentally awkward; while my thoughts and writings could on occasion be described as "creative," it was the creativity of someone who could not relate, and who got so lost in his solipsism, that his "insights" seemed to be saying something profound (but was actually me talking out of my ass); socially, i was this ridiculous imbecile who kept getting desperately infatuated with each pretty face, writing anonymous love letters (so giddy!), and replaying my dramatic romeo-and-juliet death scenes over and over in my head.
i wanted to be like cliff, and, failing that, i wanted to be his friend. i was really looking forward to going through the rest of high school alongside him, going through all the adventures of "coming into our own", dating, everything. but he left his sophomore year, and, i am not understating things to say that a large part of my hopes left with him.
the remainder of high school, and, arguably, the rest of my life, was spent in a kind of miasmic shadow. i felt myself more estranged from the world than i had ever been, often watching life from second floor balconies (like, specifically, b-building, watching the black clad goth thespians live out life, vicariously imagining what it was like to "act alive"). sure, i had friends, or rather, people that drifted close, on purpose or by accident, but all friendships were tempered by the realization that nothing, nothing could last forever, and that everything was just on the verge of suddenly departing.
these were formative years. i can't say they were entirely bad, because i think being estranged and alone is one way to avoid the virus of social programming, of being so super-caught up in the need to be cool and protect the ego. but what i can say is that they made me sad inside, and made the world an empty place without another mind/soul to share it with. secretly sad.
... this brings us back to the present. because of this blog, i was able to get in touch with two dear friends from the past. one, greg, who now lives in idaho. and the other, cliff (clifton). i won't give too many details, in order to preserve his anonymity. but he is very successful, a professor in social psychology, and a member of a rockband to boot. he is married to a wonderful (and sharp!) wife and has two beautiful children.
i should have been nervous meeting he and his family this weekend, but oddly enough, i wasn't. we hadn't seen, much less written to each other in almost twenty years! but i felt, when i first met and shook hands with him near the swings at nuuanu park (where he was pushing his daughter), as though this were the most ordinary thing in the world. cliff had that air about him. not inaccessible, unapproachable, but very warm, frank, friendly. and before i knew it, i was having a conversation with a ghost, or a shadow (or I was the shadow), and it was like, i forgot him, i forgot myself, we were just old friends.
and it was the most wonderful thing.
and what was even better was... how can i put it? we had each lived our own adventures, but we could communicate our common angsts and questions to each other. i know he lives in a different world from me, but we could each talk to each other without losing ground, without feeling the earth sunder between us... common ground. understanding...
our kids played together with a similar lack of self-consciousness...
and although i felt REALLY tired afterwards (as i'm sure clifton and his family were), i slept a deep sleep filled with reconstructed and reconstructing memories.
... i think each of us has some hero figure in their lives. hopefully some of us have the opportunity to meet with and talk to their hero. this narrows the distance, that impossible distance, we invent between ourselves and our heroes. not that our heroes were not or are not heroic. but they are, as we are, human. and in that commonality, we feel both humbled and inspired to live our own lives with renewed spirit, knowing that:
our heroes do not only fly above us, they fly alongside us as well.
thank you for visiting me, my old friend.
clifton (or cliff, as i knew him) was one of those few people.
it's hard to describe our friendship, i suppose, except to say that it was like being aware of your parallel. there is no real contact, but every time you moved, your parallel moved too... and there was something nice about that, like a sort of confirmation or something. not the same as looking in the mirror, because that was just you, but something much more: like realizing that you were not the only one in the universe, estranged and alone... maybe it was like one person trapped on a mesa, a self-contained island unto himself, seeing another person on a similar mesa. too far to hear and too far to see distinct facial expressions... but to realize that someone else was trapped just like you somehow made the trap significantly less intolerable.
i always felt, quite frankly, humbled by cliff. he was everything that i was not. although he will deny it, he was an independent thinker (great at chess and clever puns), athletic (he could hold his own in cross country and basketball and most "land sports"; the only thing i maybe had him beat at was swimming), and with this vivacious "spark" - i don't know how else to describe it - that seemed to make everything, the impossible, possible. i, by contrast, was physically and mentally awkward; while my thoughts and writings could on occasion be described as "creative," it was the creativity of someone who could not relate, and who got so lost in his solipsism, that his "insights" seemed to be saying something profound (but was actually me talking out of my ass); socially, i was this ridiculous imbecile who kept getting desperately infatuated with each pretty face, writing anonymous love letters (so giddy!), and replaying my dramatic romeo-and-juliet death scenes over and over in my head.
i wanted to be like cliff, and, failing that, i wanted to be his friend. i was really looking forward to going through the rest of high school alongside him, going through all the adventures of "coming into our own", dating, everything. but he left his sophomore year, and, i am not understating things to say that a large part of my hopes left with him.
the remainder of high school, and, arguably, the rest of my life, was spent in a kind of miasmic shadow. i felt myself more estranged from the world than i had ever been, often watching life from second floor balconies (like, specifically, b-building, watching the black clad goth thespians live out life, vicariously imagining what it was like to "act alive"). sure, i had friends, or rather, people that drifted close, on purpose or by accident, but all friendships were tempered by the realization that nothing, nothing could last forever, and that everything was just on the verge of suddenly departing.
these were formative years. i can't say they were entirely bad, because i think being estranged and alone is one way to avoid the virus of social programming, of being so super-caught up in the need to be cool and protect the ego. but what i can say is that they made me sad inside, and made the world an empty place without another mind/soul to share it with. secretly sad.
... this brings us back to the present. because of this blog, i was able to get in touch with two dear friends from the past. one, greg, who now lives in idaho. and the other, cliff (clifton). i won't give too many details, in order to preserve his anonymity. but he is very successful, a professor in social psychology, and a member of a rockband to boot. he is married to a wonderful (and sharp!) wife and has two beautiful children.
i should have been nervous meeting he and his family this weekend, but oddly enough, i wasn't. we hadn't seen, much less written to each other in almost twenty years! but i felt, when i first met and shook hands with him near the swings at nuuanu park (where he was pushing his daughter), as though this were the most ordinary thing in the world. cliff had that air about him. not inaccessible, unapproachable, but very warm, frank, friendly. and before i knew it, i was having a conversation with a ghost, or a shadow (or I was the shadow), and it was like, i forgot him, i forgot myself, we were just old friends.
and it was the most wonderful thing.
and what was even better was... how can i put it? we had each lived our own adventures, but we could communicate our common angsts and questions to each other. i know he lives in a different world from me, but we could each talk to each other without losing ground, without feeling the earth sunder between us... common ground. understanding...
our kids played together with a similar lack of self-consciousness...
and although i felt REALLY tired afterwards (as i'm sure clifton and his family were), i slept a deep sleep filled with reconstructed and reconstructing memories.
... i think each of us has some hero figure in their lives. hopefully some of us have the opportunity to meet with and talk to their hero. this narrows the distance, that impossible distance, we invent between ourselves and our heroes. not that our heroes were not or are not heroic. but they are, as we are, human. and in that commonality, we feel both humbled and inspired to live our own lives with renewed spirit, knowing that:
our heroes do not only fly above us, they fly alongside us as well.
thank you for visiting me, my old friend.
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