Juno... and thoughts

Today, my wife and I watched "Juno" at the Ward Theatres. It was my pathetic attempt at some sort of Valentine... I make a lot of excuses, but really, it's hard to be "romantic" when you have two kids, little time, and little money... Attempts to be "cutesy" and "spontaneous" somehow fly in the face of the expectations women have of this day. And I can't- I just can't- do much about it any more. I honestly feel, for some reason, that I am falling into a depressive phase of my life... Maybe more on this later...

So my wife and I watched "Juno." I heard a bit about it, even before the whole "buzz." Like I happened to listen to the Fresh Air interview of the writer (who also happened to be a stripper at one time, yo). And a few negative reviews of the movie (some said it was like what I call the "Dawson's Creek" [and arguably the "Marsilani"] phenomenon, where EVERYONE speaks with the author's tiring voice, EVERYONG [including teenagers] say profound and witty things on the fly). Well, even thus primed, I thoroughly enjoyed the film...

If you're going to see it, don't read further, because I'll spoil it for you. But among the characters is one played by Jason Bateman, who plays the potential adoptive father, a former "rocker" who is experiencing what is either a "mid-life crisis," and/or restlessness at a marriage with an inappropriate wife, or the confrontation with "parenthood" at an inappropriate time... There are elements of him that I think are in every man at this age (thirty something), to greater or lesser extents. I don't feel the restlessness can destroy anything within my life, at least not in the way of an upheavel or anything... No, I tend to take it on (or not) as I do everything else in my life, I shoulder it as a burden and a promise that I will (or likely, will not) be able to fulfill... And, eventually, I fall into a depressive funk.

...I think this blog, and many of my recent attempts at writing, etc. are my "Jason Bateman" moment (sorry, can't remember the dude's name in the "Juno" movie). They are my attempt to justify myself, my worth, in the face of my life. Don't get me wrong, I find immense value in my children and in my wife... But there is a dullness about domesticity, like the lulling of sleep (I have been SO fricking sleepy of late), a lulling that, while comfortable, whispers of death... Am I dying? Dreaming life away?

We attempt to force ourselves awake, keep an eye on the road, so to speak. But caffeine and willpower only go so far. Perhaps our metabolism changes at this age (maybe that's what yakudoshi's all about). I don't know... But there is a coloring of the world that is not quite the same as before.

I think of what my Ewa Beach grandmother mentioned a few weeks back, words that really stung me, but which I haven't really acted to address. My Ewa grandpa died a little over a year ago, and ever since, my Ewa grandma has been living it alone, occasionally visited by my uncle, my aunt, and us... Because Willow and Aiden haven't been seeing her very often, she complained to me that I was neglecting her. Well, she didn't say it so pointedly. But she told me: "I feel so lonely. You don't know what it is like to be REALLY lonely. You think you do. But you don't. Not until you get to my age, do you know."

And I know she's right. I feel like I'm standing at the edge of an abyss, at the edge of the island, and she's being tossed by the surf below. And there isn't a thing I can do to REALLY change things for her. I mean, I could try to go to her house more often (though when is there time?), but the loneliness she feels is fundamental... The best I can do, what I did then, was to just stay with her, for a time, really just stay and sit with her...

...life feels somewhat tiresome lately. As I said, I get sleepy more. Less excited about things. So many demands. And maybe I'll do them, and maybe I won't. The world doesn't change if I do, the world doesn't change if I don't... Oh, certainly, there are a thousand thousand ways to fall, and a definite one is to do nothing, because gravity and entropy are the laws of this universe, no one just floats forever... BUT why maintain things? The question interjects itself when you are weary... Interjects itself over and over and over. And at times, at times, you just don't have an answer, a ready answer, any more.

I have an awesome wife. She understands me. I don't think our relationship could have survived if she didn't know me the way that she does. As the father in "Juno" says, and I'm paraphrasing, the person you hold on to is the one who thinks there's sunshine coming out of your ass, day in, day out, whether you're on it or not, whether you're beautiful or ugly, etc. As our wedding song said, "Come rain or come shine." A hard rain's a 'gonna fall, or it feels like it lately, but at least I have someone to share the weather with. And that makes all the difference.