i think i may have picked up something. i don't think it's the 'rona. probably some cold. i don't have any overt symptoms, but i do feel really tired at unexpected points throughout the day. and i can't settle my thoughts. and i have this little spot that aches in the back of my throat, and a periodic itch that i can only address with dry coughing...
i'm kind of using that as an excuse for my failure to keep up with my routines. i have been productive today (actually, yesterday now). we had my wife's aunt over for halloween, so i cleaned up the entire house, including my kids' disgusting bathroom. i think we'd let the house go during this pandemic, at least in the more recent part of it, and it was just bugging me. it might seem a little thing, but the cleanliness of the environment does sort of weigh on me after a while. so i'm glad i got to clean up.
- on friday, we had a meeting to discuss pursuing a section 504 for my son. he's been having problems keeping up in his classes. i know that a major factor (or excuse) in all of this is that we're in a pandemic, and he's doing online classes, and that's a completely different context. but i still had some concerns, and when we'd had a similar meeting earlier in his high school career, the request for the 504 had been denied (they'd said he didn't need it)... so now, the school WILL pursue a 504, which would follow him as he goes to college... what i was impressed by was how my son- without any shame- advocated for himself at the meeting. i hardly had to say anything. that, more than anything, gave me some hope about my son. i tend to worry more for him than for anything else. but i do think, and have always thought, that he's such a good, affable, loveable person. and i do think there are sparks of brilliance in him- no, not just sparks- i think he's brilliant... i just worry about his direction, his path... you know, i'm just a typical parent...
- i think about people in my life. there have been a few people who, at one period at least, were really close friends... but some how, i've lost touch with them completely. in fact, we'd be strangers to each other now. and i wonder at that. i wonder how i'm capable of that kind of distancing. it's almost like there's a light switch that i can turn on or off... well, it's not even like that, because i don't even have to consciously think about switching it off. it just shuts off by itself when i'm not near people, or when their lives no longer are relevant to me...
for example- at one point, i had a friend named hanae in japan. she was my confidant and support during a time when i was really lost, and really anxious. at one point, i wondered why we weren't boyfriend-girlfriend... i think i was not interested in her physically... but i think our relationship, our closeness, was such that that shouldn't have mattered. she was always so generous and clear. i don't think there was ever a time when i had to be her support. i mean, i can't remember when she came to me, upset, and i had to cheer her up. but she'd had to do that for me every now and then. i even remember crying in her presence- i think it had to do with my direction in life, and also with my failure to connect with anyone (aside from her)... and she just wordlessly listened and walked with me back to the dorm.
what happens to that sort of relationship?
i tried a year ago or so to get back in touch with her. i did manage to. but it seemed clear from her brief responses that she didn't want to pursue anything with me, be it friendship or otherwise. she mentioned that she had gotten divorced... and that she was still living in mexico city. i didn't talk about my situation- she didn't ask, and it seemed- i don't know- gloating of me to mention it... i think i had wanted to mention something about how she had been important to me, at that point in my life- but what would have been the point of that? in any case, whether i should or shouldn't have said it, i didn't.
and, again, it leaves me wondering at me, my heart, my life... there are so many others. i could go on...
maybe it's a selfish instinct that makes me wonder at that. maybe there's this feeling that, if i could only continue to relate- to have a living relationship- with the figures of my past- then i would somehow be more alive myself- instead of always feeling like a haunted empty shell that dreams of the sea in the middle of a desert.
No comments:
Post a Comment