...this was a weird one, even for me.
apparently, i was trying to hook up with a guy. i was nude on a bed, uncomfortable and anxious. the other guy was tall with long, wild, blonde hair. he was also nude. he was in his early 20's at most. in fact, the scene seemed to be at a college dorm room (although i know of no dorm room that was this big), and the two of us were relatively new to campus (as were all the other people around us).
i remember feeling very nervous, wondering if it would hurt. the other guy seemed a pro at this sort of thing, and wanted to go at it right away. but i appeared really reluctant, so he decided to slow down and allow us to talk, to have a conversation. i asked where he was from. he said "pennsylvania." (i recall there being an apple involved, which he sliced and consumed right off the knife). oh yeah, i remember there being this awkward moment, where i said, "yeah, i knew that" (because maybe he'd already told me a few times before, and i'd forgotten - maybe, i worried, leading to him questioning how much he meant to me - even if this was apparently a one night stand sort of thing). anyway, i tried guessing where specifically in pennsylvania, and i said, "oh, i only really know philadelphia." and then he said, "it's someplace warmer." i had no clue. finally, he said, "it's only the most exclusive military academy in the united states." and i still couldn't answer, but it seemed obvious, so he refrained from stating it outright...
...at that point, it's weird, i know, but there seemed to be many other people wandering through the room, including girls. everyone else was dressed, as though this were a perfectly normal affair to be passing through, nothing to see here. the other guy i was with then proceeded to feature this huge plastic ball, which he termed something like the "victory ball," a prize he had earned while at his military academy. within the ball were what looked like the hilts of multiple knives, among other things. the other people in the room admired it; there was one snooty girl who seemed revulsed by it. in any case, i recall the boy i was with taking out some sort of special cleaner to polish the ball...
...and while he was doing it, it seemed like we transferred locations, and were now guests in my wife's friend's house. i recall getting up and wandering around. i got in line for something to eat (i can't recall what), but ahead of me was this older, somewhat chubby white man. apparently, his siblings were out and about at this party, and at one point, the host of the party made a little quip or joke about how she hoped at least the other siblings could finish the job (apparently, he had been tasked with completing a plumbing job for the host, and sort of quit in the middle of it). i recall the chubby man then proceeding to play with and chase a younger (8 year old?) girl around the house.
i saw some sort of aquarium aquaponics arrangement. i could glimpse the fish, but noted the water looked greasy...
and then, even with the shift in scenery, the ugly purpose/center of the dream came home again. my wife and the host urged that the rest of the party move off to the outside lanai (separated from the bedroom by a large glass window, apparently no concerns of privacy) so that they could leave the two of us (the hook up guy and me) alone...
...and that was it.
i don't think i have ever had homosexual leanings. i was once hit on by someone in college, and although i wasn't interested physically, i always wondered what it would be like to have had him as a friend- he had such dark and brooding eyes- because if nothing else, we seemed to share a deep and torturous loneliness... my wife has often joked/noticed that she sees a lot of men "checking me out" (apparently she's more attuned to these things than i am), to which i have replied that i seem to have more luck on this side of the field, than the other...
again, i don't think i'm gay at all. but i do wish (and this is true of me with ALL people) that there were a way to really be close to and understand and befriend people and take a journey with them into their lives, without having to commit to them sexually or otherwise. i have often wished that i could walk through the doorway of other people's lives more freely... but i understand that (or tell myself that) the intimacy and understanding that i have with my wife comes largely because i have committed myself to her... and that my relationship with everything else is dependent upon that... sort of like a planet committing to a particular orbit, through a "decision" to gravitate around one star.
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