i played a game called "omori" mainly because my daughter recommended it highly. in a way, i got really attached to the characters, and felt devastated by the tragedy which befalls them. i thought the game conveyed mental illness in a perceptive way. it left me feeling simultaneously drained and hopeful.
after playing the game yesterday, i worked on weeding the front yard. i felt motivated to really push through. there is yet one corner of the lawn that i haven't touched much. but i really tried to push through it. the weeds there are of a particular sort, they have round leaves (sort of like the spreading clover), but underneath, they create this mesh of roots that dig deep into the ground. so to pull them requires me to really dig and pull at the same time, so that i get their tap roots out of the ground. what i mean to say is that it takes a lot of effort to progress. i suppose that that effort (and i suppose any effort) fills me with a sense of despair, and i have been avoiding that feeling for a long time. i have been avoiding it with regards to many things, so that i end up feeling sort of numb.
i mean, i have been putting what effort i can into work. but it's a kind of day-by-day thing. there's no overarching vision that i have, nothing that inspires or motivates me. it's just negotiating through the present day. and the best you have in this sort of mode is a feeling of survival, it's not really a feeling of general accomplishment.
i look upon people like my father-in-law or my own father as people who managed to push through. who take the time to complete things. and they seem so clean. morally. i don't know. i for some reason hesitate to push through to the ends of things. mainly because many things, it seems, have no end. and also because i am just so tired. so tired of life and its many endless needs... that always seem pointless... is that the depression talking? i am not sure. is that old age talking? i am not sure.
most of life seems a pointless illusion.
there are things that i believe in. i believe in people's happiness. i try to guard it, protect it... but then maybe that's part of my problem. i don't see beyond their smiles, or their lack of a smile. i don't see beyond the superficialities of things. or maybe i don't want to. because that would mean that i would need to involve myself more. push through. dig deeper. etc. and i'm too tired to do that. so tired...
but anyway, as i was saying, i felt a kind of quiet hope after playing omori. it's not exactly something i can articulate. it was more an openness to push through. i don't know if that can work with the story writing, etc. because it always seems to lead to some sort of tangle and snarl. it's not as though i have ever found that moment of clarity when it seems you have pushed through...
there is always a voice inside of my head saying, "what's the point?" but sometimes i do things anyway. because nothing, ultimately, has a point. sometimes we do things not because they are rational or because they have worth. sometimes we just follow the current within ourselves. and i suppose... that's okay. because as long as we are trying to be true to ourselves, and honor truth in general, i suppose that leads to the path we're supposed to go on. right?
in other words, maybe it's okay not to be perfect all the time. maybe it's okay to feel tired. i try my best, and sometimes it take my best just to make it through each day... and then i collapse, trying to dream for the next day. and that's okay. that's okay...
i hope you're okay, non-existent reader.
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