dream - 12/13/2020

i just woke up from a dream. it left me somewhat disturbed.

in my dream, there was a girl who was very sick. she was surrounded by friends and family, who would give her little gifts. after i left something with her, i stayed in the background. she had something upset her; i'm not certain if it was something to do with the gift i left her. but in any case, she said some pointed words, something about how people were so afraid to be with her. they thought that leaving gifts with her would make her feel better, but really, she could care less about them. she thought it funny that, as soon as she was suffering, no one would say anything about it, they would just stand back and watch. i felt as though her comments were being directed at me. but there were too many people around her, too many eyes watching.

later, i sat beside her. i had overheard something about how she had first contracted this illness in the fifth grade, and ever since then (i think in the dream, it was 4 years ago), she had been isolated in the hospital. i said something trite and sympathetic, about how that must have been rough. it was a little nothing to say, but i think she liked that i was sitting there talking to her.

there were images or memories i had of gossiping old women, and useless old gifts. there were images of disease, of a particular disease where being bitten by a spider or contracting this disease made your intestines turn into crickets or something. i saw this happen on a tv screen.

and i awoke feeling, as i said, mildly disturbed. there is a little soreness at the back of my throat, which i hope isn't anything...

*****

it's 4 am. i actually have quite a bit of stuff to do, so i'm debating about what i should work on. the story i'm writing is bugging me more than usual. i think, internally, that i'm wrestling with the plot. i'm at the point where it's very easy to get lost in it- to consider what is essential, and not essential, in it- to changing things around so it seems to work better. it's hard work- work that requires fiddling with things and then letting things run their course... nothing straightforward or direct about it.

at the same time, there are pressures from work: i've two ieps to write, and i've got to draw the portraits of all my students.

also, i've been keeping my early morning routine of meditating and then doing taijiquan pretty consistent. this morning, i'm probably going to break that streak...

oh well.