1/15/2020

it is not the task itself, but the way that the task is done. that is perhaps the secret.

i have spoken before about the idealized ways of being that i have on occasion glimpsed. at times, it is good to be like a mountain, solid, heavy, with everything in its right place. at other times, it is better to flow, like a river. in fact, i think it is more appropriate to think of art as the latter, as a kind of flow. there are times when the current gets confused and ragged, as when it encounters the wind or a high fall (... well, actually, a fall unites the flow, so maybe that's not quite appropriate). there are also times when the flow dries up, stops up. in those moments, it is perhaps not appropriate to try to force things (also a reason why this metaphor is apt, because there is no "forcing" a river or stream to flow). when you try to "force" a flow, then you lose the pressure and direction of the flow, and then there is no longer anything pushing you forward, and you become directionless, and a liar, picking up a scattering and a smattering of words and trying to put it together, when the motive force behind everything has disappeared. similarly, or perhaps not so similarly (these are only similar in that they are non-ideal, problematic states), there is the condition of water that encounters perhaps a deep pool, and becomes laconic (perhaps not the right word) and lazy, as well as muddled. now, there is a kind of stillness that is ideal, insofar as that stillness (like the mountain form) conveys a certain clarity. that is a good thing. but what i find problematic is when there is confusion and a lack of direction.

if you think about flow, and you think about what you need for flow to occur... well, first of all, you need pressure of some kind. pressure is perhaps best seen as a relationship between some substrate or medium (water), and its container. the container is important. if you don't have a container to communicate some pressure to the medium, then there is no motive force, and no flow. again, water without pressure simply loses itself. it disperses itself and sinks to the lowest point, and becomes stillness, unusable. but a container without the medium is equally pointless. you have to "gather" the medium within the container, and apply pressure or constraint to it. if you don't "gather" the medium, then you have nothing, and you return to the situation of losing the flow, and "forcing" empty words.

in the previous cycle, i experienced such weariness and despair as i returned to trying to write both kipapa and the kappa story. everything seemed so forced about it, that it seemed pointless and fruitless to continue. and then, that's when i began to write ANYTHING, including porn. i think i was imagining that this would lead me to some kind of communion with my unconscious self, but it just felt dirty and messy. and pointless. again, somehow, i had lost the flow...

i guess what's problematic is that i admire writing that has a kind of symmetry or sense to it, but when i write, especially when i write in a flow state, i don't have a clear sense of where anything is going. and if i DO know, then it just feels like i am "filling in the spaces, " like in a coloring book, and there just seems no point, no creativity, no fun in just writing out a story... i don't know.

*****

i am so tired of work, so tired of all the obligations and responsibilities. i want to produce quality, but often it's not in my hands, it is not through my influence that things happen.

oh well.