i have a routine, but some things snag and take a lot of time... writing 2 pages, for instance, or drawing... so those sort of disrupt my rhythm. i am finding, however, that i seem willing or able to tolerate the difficulties, and sort of just "sit" through them until completion, whereas before, i would simply give up. writing in particular can summon in me this tendency to completely disbelieve and curl in on myself. not that this doesn't happen still... but now it's sort of spaced out by my scheduled routine. so while i'm writing any given 2 page segment, i commit to it. but after a day or two, it might arise in me- or a question might arise in me- to try a restart of a story or something. i've done that a lot with kipapa, and i'm starting a new beginning on kappa. with regards to the latter, although i struggled through 25 or so pages of a story, and actually came to a kind of resolution or ending, upon reflection, i sort of thing that there were many problems with that story. after listening to joyce carol oates, for example, i think i need to pare down the story to its essentials... and as a result, i started the story now at the statement, "i hate my brother," and the subsequent confrontation with the kappa.
a problem i have is trying to determine a perspective or message. what the story is about. without that, it's very difficult to piece together a story. also, i suppose another obstacle would be these endless thoughts in my head, this needlework complexity of "how things are supposed to be." they are at once vague and piercingly specific. things only work in a certain way, after all...
*****
i have imagined writing something more... shall we say, risque? only to get things down on paper. i find it difficult to write about situations where the protagonist directly expresses wants. just as i have difficulty doing so in real life. nothing sounds particularly natural. i think in real life, things either just happen, or they are only mentioned obliquely. there is a blindspot in me to the open expression of violence or lust... it's almost like these essential elements to life are absent in my writing universe... which definitely makes things less authentic and real.
*****
right now, i'm working through (or rather, should i say, listening to) the master class from margaret atwood. to be honest, i've never read any of her works, including the famous "handmaid's tale." maybe at one point i will. in any case, she seems like a far more articulate speaker than joyce carol oates. don't get me wrong, i think that oates had some important insights, perhaps more practical advice... but it seemed she was concerned more with process issues, whereas i think atwood (and to an extent gaiman) seemed to have notions of structure... i'm hoping these masters will help me to unblock myself.
*****
i think i do have a few tangles in me that prevent me from writing authentically... the inability to forgive my brother is one (and perhaps related aggressions towards certain people). and the other is the inability to even "see" what i want. and to express what i want. it is like it is impossible for me to even conceive of a storyline in which the protagonist directly asks for and gets what he or she wants. there is even a trope that i frequently employ in which the protagonist wants to die (sacrifice). it's not so much the generosity of it, as due to a complete lack of creativity: like, i don't know what else to do here, so i think i'll just kill myself.
i also am unsure as to the motivations of authentic female characters. like this erica westering character. why would she want to see ghosts? what's the deal with that?
No comments:
Post a Comment