my time is wasted by this incessant effort to rehash old things. These are not new questions. These are not new endeavors. It is always the same story, the same issue. I want to progress. I want to move beyond some of the issues of my past, of my lack of a theme.
***
I am not "fun." I have no patience for irrational decisions, or things which throw a wrench in things. And this is why I likely cannot write something interesting. I am always too fixated on "making things right." Perhaps this is why I only like the beginnings of things, because everything is easy and "knows itself." To go beyond that, to take too many footsteps, brings me into a foreign country where you lose your way, and your motivations become muddled. It all becomes "messy." And there is guilt in that. An ugliness. Perhaps this too is how I live my life. I do not proceed haphazardly, to just "find out what would happen." I sometimes wish that I had lived my life that way, particularly with regards to relationships. There is so much regret in me. Even my wife perceives this "mood" within me...
***
Chaos. Perhaps it is in that that one comes to know oneself. That there is a force within oneself. That you could possibly trust in it, in the inconsistencies and lies of it... [I hate the way my cursor keeps shifting.] How could you see that, if you never trust that? Why am I always reluctant to trust in that? Why am I reluctant to trust in myself, in the myself that walks blind? Because experience has determined that it only gets me lost... what is the value of getting lost? To learn to trust in myself, to trust in getting lost...
***
A hope for me lies in allowing myself to
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