tonight my belly rumbles and boils...  a euphemestic way of saying i have the runs.

i attended judo with my son.  i was tired.  we haven't been going regularly; in fact, we basically skipped out all of last month.  so when it came time to do wind sprints, i kind of died at one point.  i suppose i could have- SHOULD have- kept running.  as one of the older people, i suppose i'm supposed to set an example for the kids...  but gods, i was heaving and my lungs were burning.  and did i mention i was tired?

earlier today, we had a teacher's workday at school.  which meant we had training seminars.  the morning one was good, but i was falling asleep in the afternoon one.  i honestly don't know what the point of the afternoon one was.  i suppose my attitude wasn't particularly good, but it seemed as though the instructor, who i seriously doubt implemented some of this stuff in the classroom, was just talking to fill time.  i could be wrong.  and i feel bad for imposing my critique on her; she seemed well-meaning.

***

as work begins, i'm not sure how much energy i can devote to some of the routines i've tried to establish in the beginning of this new year: reading, writing, drawing.  i still want to, and i will give it all i've got...

there was something i wanted to say...  oh yes, i somehow thought about one of studio ghibli's first animations: graveyard of the fireflies.  i kept hearing the theme.  it makes me want to cry, to protect children, the innocence of them.  i find that this feeling is in direct opposition to this other side of me, which i'm becoming more and more aware of: selfish, lustful...  i think that for most of my life, i've tried to maintain the former perspective or stance, of being a "brother," a protector, a self-sacrificing and gentle soul...  and there was this myth in my head that when i died, i would be redeemed somehow, and rewarded with everything that was denied me in life.  it's ironic, because even with the reward, it wouldn't be the same as enacting or actualizing the desires of that other side, which, frankly, is a lot about conquest.

in fact, a lot of my struggle is about reconciling fundamentally irreconcilable opposites.

***

i had an image in my mind of the side of our old house in Mililani: the wall, where we stored stuff like wood, where our old dog Jackie used to live; near the sandbox that turned into a mud-pit, where i got my first case of pinworms...  near the planted section of ferns, where the roaches used to have their city; and where our two later dogs ("owned" by my sister) Limu and Poki would wander through late into the night...  near the bottle brush tree.

there was the high wall on that side, and beyond it, the house of our neighbors.  i remember the twin girls that used to live there, jean and jan.

not sure why that image appeared in my head, but it did: pretty distinct.