i met with my sister this morning.  i brought two of her children with me, so that they could visit with their mother.  for most of the visit, i stayed quiet and just listened to the back-and-forth between mother and children...  it was sad for me, i suppose.

***

the world, this island, this person... nothing can be totalized or "summed up."  there is so much- difference- even within one individual's memories.  nothing really leads up to anything else.  there is diversity in perspective...  we like to imagine, or symbolize, life as a pathway, but it really isn't, or it isn't always like that.  at times, it is like a landscape, with no visible paths, no place to go...  and we stare at its diversity and wonder at it, wonder at our place in this world.

***

i have fallen in love so many times.  and it breaks my heart that i cannot touch this world, i cannot mean anything more to this world than be a face among a thousand other loveless faces, that i cannot be something more to it than... what i am.  i am sometimes driven to distraction by other lives, lives that i cannot possibly touch.  it makes me feel so sad, and so empty inside.

at times like these, i coast.  there is no sense in volition during such times.  you are guided by the emptiness, and the silence, which i think (despite the despair and sadness) is something akin to god.  because i do think god speaks through silences.  he listens to you so that you can become.

***

time passes so quickly.  so torturously swift.  i am halfway through a dream, and it wakes me, in destructive increments, to the end.  what is this love in the midst of a fleeting dream?  what does it mean?  i wish you well.  in another life (but there is no other life), i could've been more...  but then again, i probably would have been much the same, which is an almost, which was actually nothing at all.