another day...  last night, after finally replacing a broken garbage disposal unit, i thought of yet another way i fucked up in college...  how, in the fledgeling days of my attempt at starting up a "japan society", i had the bright idea of showing anime, and the movie i chose was "legend of the overfiend", a brutally raunchy film about demons raping women.  i have no idea what was in my head at the time...  i guess my ideas about sexuality, even at that age, were so- naive.  i can think of a few other times when i sort of went off the deep end (or shallow, perhaps, with regards to this topic) about sex.  going to some winter study seminar about, i believe, heroes, and in some obscure discussion, trying to articulate views about how the sex act itself represented the different roles of the sexes (i know, the very description itself sounds misogynistic at the very least)...

i truly don't understand myself...

sometimes i wish i could've given in to advances.  there were a few times that women were (i realize now) practically throwing themselves at me, but for some reason, i couldn't.  i had pretty set ideas about who i would "fall in love with" (jeez, even now, i can't say "fuck"), and the proper order of things.  so, even when a girl asked me, with a lilting tease in her voice, if i wanted her cherry (-while eating ice cream...), or if another girl came to my room to study, but instead only wanted to lie on my bed (-said she was tired after walking across campus), i just sort of played along with the surface interpretation.  didn't go deeper.  honestly (?) didn't see an opportunity.  sometimes i wish i could go back to myself and give myself a flying kick to the head.

it's not that i regret it so much.  the way things turn out is the way things turn out.  it's just that i can't understand it, how i could've been so- such a blockhead...

***

i truly understand, on a daily basis, what a hollow thing life is.  if you are not initiated into the struggle to recreate yourself daily, even moment by moment, not in an idealistic, existential sort of way, but in a desperate sense, to meet basic responsibilities, particularly for the sake of those around you, whom you purport to love with all of your heart...  well, you probably just think what i write about is just pathetic horse shit.  it's reminiscent of discussions surrounding people who are depressed...  when you're in it, it is hard to even explain what a terrible chore it is to even do the simplest things; the way your perspective on life is colored some awful shade that you can't shake; to others around you, out walking on the surface of the so-called real world, you probably look mad, or at the least, pathetic...

i invent things to do.   i guess that's one of my attempts at a feeling of normalcy.  but i move slow.  it is sometimes like i have a bowl of water on my head (cued tie in to kappa!), and i have to keep ripples from disturbing the surface of that water.  i move slow, and ease into tasks...  i hate decisions, especially in rapid succession, i like just following my momentum, and perhaps breaking down obstacles...  things that are clear, the path of least resistance, all of that stuff.  just "being myself" is a myth, or a lie, or something i'm just not sure of, just not sure how to be...  the absolute buddhist perspective would just bracket this self-doubt and say that that is my realized expression of myself.  but, relatively speaking, i'm a bucket of bolts without nuts, rattling loosely, barely held together.