i had a dream just now.

at the end of the dream (for it seemed, as all dreams do, to have many parts), i overheard a discussion between (i believe) two acupuncture students of mine. one was trying to describe a shape. i overheard this description, in which the student really struggled to find the correct words, something about a symbol of archimedes. in my head, in listening to that description, i saw it, and finally interjected, and said, "oh, that's like a pac man, pointing downwards." unfazed, the student continued, and said something about a korean symbol that incorporated a circle, a square, and a triangle. i wasn't sure what it was supposed to symbolize...

i recall musing how i no longer thought like that, no longer struggled with concepts that were larger than myself. i gave up on things like that long ago.

and then sometime later, i think i woke up. somehow i knew it was 3, or around 3, and when i looked at the clock, it was 3:15. i had a thought that this was the time period directly after the time of the rat. the rat is the liver, and the liver is the last channel in the chinese meridian system. in many ways, the transitional time between 1-3 am and 3-5 am is significant, because it occurs at that moment when the energies of the previous day shift into the energies of the next day. sometimes, i believe, when there is a problem at that juncture, you wake up. it is almost as though there is some unfinished business in the previous day (and, if it happens repeatedly, some chronic unfinished business) that leaves you unprepared for the new day.

as i used the bathroom, i had this image for some reason of my older brother calling to make up, or something, and me rushing out the door, and then him shooting off my head with a shotgun. aside from the standard self-pity thoughts, about how regretful (?) some of those gun-toting nra supporters at my school would be, learning about me being shot, i had a thought that this would be the good beginning of a story, i.e., that about the creation of a kappa...

i have been thinking, earlier, that a good story doesn't require a whole lot of explanation. or perhaps, it shouldn't. you only need to situate characters in an unusual "situation" (to sound redundant), and attempt to describe it in the most ordinary way possible, using their ordinary eyes. for example, in watching part of kick ass once again... the internal monologue of the main character is using teenage language, and is not particularly profound, but it is powerful in that it very simply describes his feelings and thoughts, when the character makes an unusual conclusion (i.e. become a superhero).

there is a sadness and a worry deep within me that restarts... an interruption to inner peace. i (as before, as endlessly before) wander the halls upstairs, i mention a mantra of love to those sleeping in rooms... i putz around, and then i struggle to return to bed. there are so many worries, and there is no easy way to assuage them.

***

i think certain people, including my brother, are crazy. in fact, in fact, i try not to think or talk about them at all. i think doing so just spins a narrative, and that spins me into my own "mythology" of hatred. i would rather just say "empty boat" and continue on.

which gets me to thinking (ah, not following my own advice) that the goal of writing stories is antithetical, in many ways, to the goal of meditation (at least in the zen tradition). whereas the one is trying to create an INTERESTING edifice, a "story", the other is trying to short circuit all story processes.

oh well, back to sleep and dreams.

i wish i didn't have a thing to do tomorrow. or the rest of my life, for that matter.