the machinations of life...

i had my last wisdom tooth pulled (extracted) about four days ago. it was not an altogether unpleasant experience. in fact, i hardly felt a thing; only a mild tugging sensation. it is only now that i am realizing some of the consequences of this absence in my molars. no matter what i eat, and how i eat it, somehow the hollow where the tooth used to be acts like a kind of vortex, and later on, be it immediately, or (disgusting!) a few hours later, i will find assorted mouth-lint, like the fine edge of apple peel or a nugget of roast beef or something (these remnants always have a strange after-taste, a somewhat sharp coppery flavor, a mixture of decay and blood?)...

the days come and go. i am currently functioning somewhat happily, somewhat haplessly. i don't feel the pressure of circumstances as intensely as i have in recent years, and for the moment at least, i feel a kind of hope: that the plans i have constructed can be realized, and in fact are being realized (if somewhat slowly) in "my own image." it is great to see your intentions coming to fruition...

i have always enjoyed the people i have worked with, but i am enjoying this year's "crew" particularly now. everyone seems to be on the same page. and i feel we respect each other...

the problem/not problem is that i have little internal life. i am solid. there is no hollow within me, no suffering huddling recluse rattling about in an abandoned shell. neither is there the plenitude, the overflowing, that comes when i happen upon a surprise wellspring of inspiration... there is only the next task, and the next task, and the next task... and/but as long as i do good, as long as i feel i am helping/serving others, i feel fine...

well, nuff said for the time being.

on the timeline, by the way: i have been married for 10 years and 4 days now. and it is a happy thing, from my perspective... it is happy because it is founded upon a helpless commitment. if you can count on one thing, then you can count on everything. love is my one thing. the solidity of the bonds between myself and those i am sworn to...