it is late (in many senses)...

today, i went home early from work because i felt sick. i woke with a headache this morning, and as i went on with my work tasks, it gradually gnawed itself into a feeling of malaise and nausea. during lunch, i ate a few bites of lunch, felt like it wouldn't stay, and basically just sat back with my eyes closed, trying to shut everything out so that i would restore (i.e. control-alt-delete) back to normalcy...

i came home, and drifted in and out of sleep, hoping to come back, so i could get back on track with work. it didn't really happen... but i am feeling better, thanks for asking (haha).

***

this evening, as i worked with my son on his kidbiz, i thought about what my son would become. was this current level the ceiling of his capabilities? i don't like to think of such things, but at times, reality, or one of its more pessimistic gophers and go-aheads, will sneak in and whisper things to me...

oh well. i have come to understand one thing. my son is a wonderful person. i love who he is right now. i am uncertain as to his future, but i am content that he is someone who will always do good in this world. my job as his parent is to work with him, yes, to become something better than he presently is, but it is also (and i will strive to never forget this!) to love him as he is, appreciate him as he is, in this present moment, because he is like a fleeting beautiful thing right now, and i don't want to miss out...

perfection, the better path, "knowing better", "doing better", etc. this is the so-called will of heaven, the stamp of destiny. but heaven, in terms of the chinese version, knows very little of the vicissitudes of life on earth; and likely cares even less... for some people, perhaps with a more vigorous, cruel and disciplined heart, it has been possible to forge a clearing and manifest "heaven's will on earth," some rare and perfect thing, a representation of what is possible stolen from the vague fog of impossibilities...

but as for me... yes, at times, i will be swayed into inspiration by such things. perhaps at times i will seek to follow intimations of such pathways to light and perfection. after all, (haha) i am only human, right? but always, there is the voice of the world, the callings of IMperfection and suffering. there are the matters of old accounts to be settled, of endless old and new indebtedness. i live and breathe in this world, not in some rarefied spotlight just beneath the clouds... i choose to be here, because i understand that love is here, and it is earned through honoring its bonds, even when they take you far away and through unimaginable hardships... and love and the truth it engenders, love is far more real and compelling than anything that heaven screams to me...

i will not be ashamed, neither for me or for any of my own. so long as i am real to myself, and real to those i love, i will have made my mark, even though i do not scar or disturb the implacable heavens in the least.

***

the machinations of life...

i had my last wisdom tooth pulled (extracted) about four days ago. it was not an altogether unpleasant experience. in fact, i hardly felt a thing; only a mild tugging sensation. it is only now that i am realizing some of the consequences of this absence in my molars. no matter what i eat, and how i eat it, somehow the hollow where the tooth used to be acts like a kind of vortex, and later on, be it immediately, or (disgusting!) a few hours later, i will find assorted mouth-lint, like the fine edge of apple peel or a nugget of roast beef or something (these remnants always have a strange after-taste, a somewhat sharp coppery flavor, a mixture of decay and blood?)...

the days come and go. i am currently functioning somewhat happily, somewhat haplessly. i don't feel the pressure of circumstances as intensely as i have in recent years, and for the moment at least, i feel a kind of hope: that the plans i have constructed can be realized, and in fact are being realized (if somewhat slowly) in "my own image." it is great to see your intentions coming to fruition...

i have always enjoyed the people i have worked with, but i am enjoying this year's "crew" particularly now. everyone seems to be on the same page. and i feel we respect each other...

the problem/not problem is that i have little internal life. i am solid. there is no hollow within me, no suffering huddling recluse rattling about in an abandoned shell. neither is there the plenitude, the overflowing, that comes when i happen upon a surprise wellspring of inspiration... there is only the next task, and the next task, and the next task... and/but as long as i do good, as long as i feel i am helping/serving others, i feel fine...

well, nuff said for the time being.

on the timeline, by the way: i have been married for 10 years and 4 days now. and it is a happy thing, from my perspective... it is happy because it is founded upon a helpless commitment. if you can count on one thing, then you can count on everything. love is my one thing. the solidity of the bonds between myself and those i am sworn to...