revisioning

i believe i understand something more about myself. i am not someone who can easily "work things out" without at least a general vision of where i am going. i need to see the big picture.

i realized this when i attempted (for the umpteenth time) to write following natalie goldman (sp?)'s advice, as articulated in "writing from the bones." she advocates freewriting, and quick freewriting in particular, as a tool to bypass the internal censor. all well and good. but when i put this into practice, what it turns into is a kind of stream of consciousness drivel full of random sparks of thought, and repetitions of catch phrases ("hate"). i feel a kind of despair as i produce this sort of writing, just as i feel a kind of despair when i dream in this way (i.e., conscious of the meaninglessness of the associations, as opposed to a dream with a secret and therefore meaningful theme). i feel as though i am wasting my time.

don't get me wrong. i do feel as though freewriting has a place, just as doodling and marginalia can have their place. but, for me at least, the presence of some predetermined form, at least in a very rudimentary sense, provides the seed crystal around which creative thought can find structure...

when i recall some of the better works i'd written, i had a keen awareness of structure, of where things were going. although some writers can "write" their way to the conclusion, i find my attempts at such a strategy seriously wanting: like a stand-up comedian who doesn't prepare, and finds himself coming up empty on stage. no can do.

***

not much else going on. i am currently living my life on a cycle basis; that is, i think of all the things i am responsible for, and cycle through them, in either 20 minute, or task-compartmentalized segments. for example, i might write one page of a story, or read a chapter of a story. i am still working out the cycles to keep them even and functioning, but i do feel it's the best way for me to function. although i could be "project-based", that is, work on one thing to its completion, i realize that i am actually stretched across several infinities, and to commit to only one would lead to imbalance and neglect of the thousand other things i need to attend to.

i work with my kids on a cycling basis also. this insures that, throughout a week, i will have touched on each of the things that i feel it is important for them to work on. yes, boring and repetitive, but perhaps at its core, life needs to be this, needs to have this. without this core, like the regularity of a heartbeat, life becomes too chaotic, unregulated, unproductive...

yes, one thing i've realized is this: passion, alone, dissipates. steady, focused, consistent pressure, on the other hand, consciously chosen and regularly applied, leads to results. this is my hope, this is my path.