the job of a parent is to love, unconditionally love.

there are always two voices a parent hears, sometimes one more than the other. one voice always appreciates what a wonder it is that a child is exactly as he or she is. the other is the voice that desires (rightly or not) that a child were "better."

here is the paradox: you need to hear both voices, simultaneously. BUT you almost always have to choose to act on the "harder" one in any given situation. that seems to be the path to greatest growth, anyway (for the parent or the child, i'm not so sure).

for example, when it is obvious to everyone (including the child) that there is a problem of some sort, and the temptation is to come down with condemnation, and say things like, "why can't you be more like this?" or "why can't you be normal?" well, i want to be the parent who acknowledges errors of behavior or whatever in his heart (this is the "obvious" truth, anyway), but who still looks beyond this to appreciate and love the child unconditionally. this has to be done FIRST, before any constructive action can be taken to "correct" any errors. i feel this is true. if you operate out of the "worldly voice" that only sees the faults in a child (i call this the "what will the other parents think?" voice), then you will be, for the child, just another part of the world that looks down upon and judges the child. but if you make clear that, despite errors of behavior or whatever, you love the child NO MATTER WHAT, then you will be the child's advocate, and, together, hand in hand, you can conquer the world.

i think of the final scenes of "little miss sunshine." i didn't see the whole movie (not yet), even though i claim to love it, but what i appreciated at the end was how a whole family of misfits pulled together to make the dream of a little girl (objectively impossible, ridiculous even) come true, NO MATTER WHAT. i want to be the advocate for my child, yes, when they are "good" and behave, but also when they challenge me, when they pursue dreams that i (and the rest of the world) don't understand or appreciate. i hope i am the kind of parent that my children KNEW in their bones loved them no matter what.

because i do.

***

i am in a tight spot right now. it seems as though simple problems are always like "improvised explosive devices" waiting to blow up in my face. i am facing a few such "simple problems" at the moment, all the while knowing that other, so-called larger things are waiting for me in the near future... there have been many long hours of tortuous panic, some outbursts of frustration and outright despair (i get like this sometimes, enough that i've come to appreciate, on some level, on some very abstracted level, the humor of it all). i can't sleep or concentrate until these "simple problems" are addressed (even if it may kill me).

my family and friends are wonderful at such times. they give me space when i need it, and they offer a lot of support. thank you to all of you.

***

i did a few treatments and ran clinic today (yesterday), and one thing i reflected upon was the importance of giving all that you can, putting your heart into everything, no matter what you do. i reflected upon the "art" of what i do. sometimes people look at the word "art" and they think of "artifice" or even "artificial." but "art" for me has always been the path that bridges the unbridgeable gap between myself and my secret burdens, and the world out there that is "unshaped," or in suffering, or otherwise could benefit from my intervention. if i embody my "art," whatever it may be, then perhaps i can touch the world in a way that, i don't know, approaches truth, or something or other. i don't know. it FEELS right, anyway.

part of embodying "art," as i see it, is an acknowledgment of and full acceptance of your limits. a person can't know everything, can't be this fictitious hegelian absolute subject. but that doesn't mean a person can't do something helpful. there are several things with regards to my patients that i don't fully understand, or can't account for. but that doesn't mean i can't understand them in some sense, and treat them. "art" doesn't seek to answer all questions, but it does seek to "touch" the contradictions of reality and address them intelligently...

well, it's getting late. i hope everyone has what i have, family and friends (and god) that supports me like the glove of sleep, ready to catch me and allow me to rest from all of my troubles... i wish everyone this, in the least...