to friends lost (?) along the way

to k...

there is a video by radwimps that depicts the unlikelihood of relationships by the manner in which droplets on a car (fail to) coalesce and fall. although friendship, in my mind, has always been more of a "contained distance," or a kind of parallelism, i kind of see what happened to us as being similar to those falling raindrops: sometimes so close, and then mysteriously sliding away, with one following (in vain) the tracks of the other... or suddenly split apart by larger forces...

i think about you, and hope that you are okay. i know that i on occasion complained about the impending economic crisis, and how it would affect my family. in retrospect, i realize how selfish it was to even mention such things. i wonder how things must be for you, in a place with no ties or support.

yours is a different vision of life, ultimately, more urban and wise in so many ways. as a child, i was so blind and naive, and simply envied your life in those moments when i was allowed to glimpse it. living in town, sliding here and there by bus, it all seemed so "cool." to listen to the sounds of cars drifting past on a nearby freeway, for me, that was like being close to the living pulse of the world... it was not a lonely sound at all.

i failed to look closely, and see.

in all my life, even in those times when i seemed a world away and alone and adrift, i always had a sense that i was tethered, either by silver umbilical ties, or by the red cotton noose around my pinky finger. and, like a snail, i always carried my walls with me. looking at your life, or what i can glimpse of it, i realize that you have seen the wonder and terror of losing those bonds and shedding those walls. and again, initially, superficially, i envy that.

but ultimately, we have some common core. do you see it?

one of my favorite memories was one of our first. it was the first time i realized, with burgeoning excitement, that i had a friend. i was at your house in mililani, in your garage, playing with this hot wheels race track. and all around us, the rain was falling.

do you remember this?

i like to try to remember things (i am so bad at it), because in memories, sometimes we find that tenuous skin that held the world together. there's the illusion, before the bomb of time explodes, that everything will stay that way forever, that we will always be just so, in the right place, knowing we will remain friends for always.

in my heart, and from my side, i feel this.

and, wherever you are, i wish you well.