http://www.youtube.com/user/allradwimps?blend=1&ob=4&rclk=cti#p/u/4/nda3VIp_1O0

(sorry, i can't embed the above video. please click on the link anyway. it's safe.)

i'm becoming a radwimps fan after slowly watching a few of their videos. the above song is the soundtrack playing in the back of my head this weekend...

on schedule, i wake up at between 2-4 am with feelings of anxiety/worry, sometimes mild, sometimes sharp and penetrative like the pinnacle of a mountain impaled within my gut. (tonight was relatively mild). i had, and still have, a mild headache after watching avatar in 3d with my brother. i think i ultimately prefer to watch movies sans 3d for the time being, at least until my brain can evolve to the point of painlessly reconstructing 3d images...

i recall passing out, waking up occasionally to struggle to participate in a discussion with my wife, something about how ardently and passionately graphic designers hate the font papyrus (used to death in the movie avatar). i recall mentioning, over and over, like a mantra, how much i loved my wife, as i slipped under. and perhaps, because i said the right words, or i focused on the right thoughts, last night seemed relatively dreamless, vague and warm. (i still woke up at 2 am though).

today, lynn and i meet to discuss aiden's situation. i am calm and resigned about it all, but lynn is mildly anxious. when the time comes, i will speak my piece (peace?), hopefully without hurting anyone. i have the right, every now and then, to do that.

all in all, no matter what, i am comforted by accepting who my son is fully and unconditionally. sometimes if you listen to "other parties" too much, or if you think only about what "other people think" or introduce the virus-word "should" into your software, then you lose sight of things. i look at my son, and i love what i see. he has a very kind and gentle heart. he tries very hard when he feels good about himself; he is very aware of unfairness and injustice, and is kind and friendly to other children (especially those younger and more vulnerable than himself), and protective and loyal to those that he loves (his sister). in many ways, i wish i were more like my son.

i think i am sometimes unduly stern with him, when i think about where i would like him to be. i think it is common for parents to justify (sometimes rightly) this sort of sternness or cruelty by saying that the world is ultimately unforgiving, and it is the role of the parent to prepare the child for that... to "train." but there's a danger in falling into that "corrective" mindset, if you fail to see who and what it is you are trying to correct.

my son is a gentle soul, and i hope and pray that he retains that as he grows up. ultimately, we don't need more "capable" and battle-hardened gear parts in this world; we need people who can feel and reflect upon everything, to make sure we don't lose track of ourselves...

***

"free speech" shouldn't include "bought speech."

thought of that myself, on the fly, regarding the supreme court decision...

regarding politics... it is getting so dangerous to say anything about anything nowadays. people are so strongly partisan; they walk around with daggers behind their flat-topped teeth. what is particularly problematic is the mindset that a partisan view (from either side) is not partisan, but "common sense." claims to "common sense" should not be divisive in the least, i think/hope... hopefully, if the sense were so common, there would be no debate about it...

i DO think that there are differences in fundamental perspectives. and these perspectives are so entrenched within people's hearts and minds that they define reality/common sense for them... not the other way around.

i despair of "discourse" with people on anything. you cannot convince anyone of anything political nowadays. of this i'm sure. bringing up facts/evidence will accomplish nothing. reason is not, ultimately, what rules the heart, which nowadays rules most people (definitely not cool heads). in this, political affiliation is akin to religion; only, politics is an incessantly relevant, real-time "religion", with divine intervention and miracles and blasphemers occurring all the time.

this is one reason why i (who am decidedly standoffish regarding politics) feel the recent supreme court decision only complicates matters. as things are, there's a lot of hostility and irrationality out there. allowing corporate interests to throw money into the colliseum of ideas will hardly improve matters...

***

well, g'night, all you nonexistent and disembodied spirits.