March

March depresses me for some reason. It could be because my birthday is in March, and at my age, birthdays are just a reminder of old age and mortality. But it seems more than that. It is a physical lethargy that seems to overcome me this time of year.

I started off the Sunday with the obligatory visit to the local Tenrikyo church. I got to play the fue for the first part, and dance (awkwardly, always glancing to my right at the head church minister for cues) the second part. Then, I made my hasty retreat. Off to do a couple of Sunday treatments...

All the while, my friend Min and his wife Jessica are in labor (I should rephrase that; Jessica is in labor, Min is just walking around with his heart stuck in his throat; somewhat the opposite sort of obstruction). I'm rooting for today, not only because it's MY BIRTHDAY, and what a cool kid he'll turn out to be if he's born today (in spite of my example), but also because if he's born tomorrow, why, he'll be a boy born on Girl's Day (some have posited the very proximity of my b-day to girl's day as explaining something, I'm not sure what...).

I stopped by Min's, where his father and mother in law are hanging out, waiting for any news. Min apparently picked up a free monitor from CompUSA, which is closing down. He wanted me to pick it up from the apartment, to make as much room as possible for baby. While I was there, I decided to assemble the crib we'd given him; jeez, it was "fun" (I mean it, it really was fun) assembling it with Jessica's dad, with me not being able to speak a word of relevant Chinese (outside of "Xie xie" or "Za jien"). I was actually speaking to them in JAPANESE for some reason (I guess it's an old habit). And then, what's worse, I started to GESTURE. Trying to be conversational, I decided to "gesture" Jessica's birth (because it's surely the topic on their minds). Don't ask. Just imagine playing Sharades and having to perform "birth"... I think I somehow got the message across, though not without some awkward laughter...

And then it was my birthday dinner over at Phuket Thai in Mililani, one of my favorite restaurants. My ma, pa, niece (Kathy) and nephew (Marcus) came, as did my own family unit... It was pretty pleasant... until a face from the past showed up. I won't mention his name, but let's say that he was once a pretty close friend of mine until we had a mutual falling out and parting of ways... He's the kind of person who you always feel somewhat insecure about, because (whether YOU're involved in it or not) he is always playing the COMPARISON game (like, do you measure up to ME???). I looked away, pretended not to see him, although I'm sure he saw ME. Thank god, we didn't make eye contact, and have to pass a message unspoken that way...

I should be old enough to be over such things, but I suppose I never outgrow certain situations, certain relationships. Or, let me amend that, maybe I HAVE outgrown them, and it's with a certain nostalgia that I look back upon old relationships, wondering, perhaps, if I reinstilled them, would I feel the same feelings, and thus, be young and immature and stupid again? Honestly, honestly, I'm just curious to see how he's doing, nothing more. I don't think my life has much room for any real "friendships" like that any more...

I often wonder what I will be like when I get old (like, duh, man, you ARE old). No, I mean really old. Like when everyone around me passes, and the family starts to wonder if I'm alright on my own, or if someone will have to come by to make sure my ass is wiped clean... Will I still be active in some way, relevant? Strong? Or will I be all about the yesterdays, the regrets, the happy days... (You know, maybe I already AM old; that's my preoccupation, my "pre" "occupation" nowadays! GULP.)

If no one needs me, then I think as an old man, I will go to a monastery and formally become a monk. I'll sit down facing a wall and contemplate the nature of my existence. And my kids and grandkids will come and visit me in the monastery, but since I'll say nothing, and just stare down at them from beneath my bushy eyebrows, they'll leave, imagining they encountered a bodhisattva, but really, really, knowing they encountered a doddering old fool who couldn't think of anything profound or meaningful to say...

... March. How it depresses me.