Nerd Memories

It's cool to cold, the kind of night where it's nice to wear a blanket over yourself. Right now, Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome is playing on AMC. I'm half typing, half looking over my shoulder. It's a classic. I remember playing it at my birthday, I think it must have been my twelfth or thirteenth. Must have, because all my Nerd Corner friends came, from Greg Fastabend to Brian Mahoney to Frank Shotwell. It was a summer near the end, when my group would encounter a big diaspora. See, many of my Nerd friends were in military families, or they were deemed smart enough to attend private school. Brian Mahoney, I think he moved somewhere (military reassignment). And Frank Shotwell, he went on to Punahou. My friend, Edward Lau, who so reminded me of Mr. Spock, he got a scholarship to attend Iolani. The friends that were left, me, Greg, Cliff, not much more than that, I think we were somewhat- how should I put it- broken...

It is a lonely thing being a Nerd. It's not about being smart, because we weren't, aren't, not really. I've met smart people, really smart people, and I can tell you that me and most of my friends, well, we weren't. Aren't. We just knew how to play the game, follow the rules that the schools set out for us. But in the process, we bought a whole lot of other consequences. We became the outcasts, the Nerds. People say, you didn't have to be, you don't have to be a Nerd. But, you see, once you've been placed on the outside, and once people look down on you enough, you realize that you can't be "up top" or "in." There's something inherently hypocritical about it. Something fundamentally unfair. You realize that you can't be in the "in crowd," on the "up and up," AND live with yourself, because then living with yourself would mean excluding, stepping on, putting down, someone else, who, ultimately would be yourself. You start to hate the people that can be so comfortable, so easy, with it all, with what is essentially a hypocrisy, a hierarchical system built of lies...

Back then, yes, I wanted to be a part of it. I wanted to be "in." But now, gods, now, I despise it. I despise the people that played that game. I despise them, because, well, they "got away with it."

Oh well, just ruminations and regrets...

I wonder where my Nerd friends are now?