hi everyone/no one. as you can see, i have deleted all of my old postings. i think that it is good to do this periodically, if only to pretend a new beginning, a departure.

(we never escape ourselves, of course; that is our strength and our curse.)

i just accepted a special education position at a local school yesterday. i am excited/anxious about it, as it will be my first formal teaching job at the elementary level. please pray for me, and for my kids!!!


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i've wondered, of late, why i keep a blog, and why anyone would visit it. at one point, i think there were quite a few visits, but i think things have dropped off due to inconsistent posting and (to be quite honest) boring content. part of the problem (if there is a problem) is that i tend to be interested in several things at once, at varying levels. sometimes i post things that only specialists would be interested in (especially my postings dealing with some of my musings in acupuncture, or special education); sometimes i post my (admittedly amateurish) attempts at writing, drawing, or "music"; and sometimes i post the details of my drab life, or my suburban, middle-class concerns, or even my idiosyncratic dreams... well, as i stated at the outset of my blogging three years ago, the blog serves more the interests of the blogger than it does anyone else. this truly is "a receptacle" for some of the goings-on and (absent) happenings of my life.

reader beware!!! (or, be bored, and then be gone).

***

currently, i am sick (yet again). this cold has (like its predecessors) gradually eaten its way into my chest, where it sits heavy...

my son is also sick, in his own fashion. periodically, he suffers from strange headaches/fevers that do not progress into illnesses in the conventional way (i.e., no nose and throat issues, no mucus). they last perhaps one or two days, and then disappear without a trace. what is interesting is that, oftentimes immediately after the resolution of a particular fever phase, my son becomes effusive and far more articulate (at least to me) than he was previously. i have theorized that these fevers signal growth spurts for his emerging cognition...

perhaps this suspicion is, in part, related to my readings into "visionary craniosacral therapy," notably the insight that the pituitary gland generates a significant amount of heat, and that certain structures in the cranium are designed to disperse that heat...

i have, in my own bumbling way, been attempting to palpate the "wave" of cerebrospinal fluid that is said to pulsate through the body as my son sleeps, in order to somehow understand (and perhaps influence) some of his cognitive fixations and blockages... just the desperation of a father, i suppose.

i have been falling asleep early, and then waking up in a daze in the wee morning hours to walk over to my son's room, meditate, and then attempt to palpate his head (i know, i know, WEIRD). my son is a very restless sleeper, and i have to keep modifying my touch to adjust to his repeated shifts in posture. eventually, he seems to settle, his breathing deepening, and i am able to (for a time) entrain to his rhythm. i detect different rhythms, from the ripples of his blood pulsing to the slightly larger waves of his breathing, and then, to something larger, something akin to the tides influenced by the moon. this, i suspect, is the craniosacral rhythm... if i practice, i think i will be able to feel it more reliably, and then understand or detect any aberrations in that rhythm... that's the (desperate) hope, anyway.

***

updates

hi everyone. i thought i would begin with a clean slate once again. i think it is important to do this periodically, if only to create the illusion of a new beginning, a departure... (we never leave ourselves, our past, entirely behind. that's both our strength and our curse.)

just an update... i got hired today, won't mention the school or position yet, but i am very happy about it. i had been quietly worrying about my prospects. so now, i have something concrete (in teaching) to devote my energies to...

we went to kauai for the fourth of july weekend. it was wonderful. we stayed at the kahalani resort, which is located right in the middle of lydgate park. lydgate park is a great community park, with two playgrounds, one on either end, that were planned and constructed (as i understand) by the local community. they are not "playgrounds" in the conventional sense, but monuments devoted to fun. one of them, the first we visited, is called a "playbridge," and it is quite literally a multi-leveled maze constructed upon a hillside. there are a couple of tube slides, one straight and another spiral-shaped, but the main draw is the possibility of "getting lost" in all of the dividing pathways... on the other end of the park is a

attention-seeking

partitioned me
skinned alive
face pressed against the moment
that separates the now
from the has been

i beat my fists
like stuttering drumbeats
like cardiac fibrillations
or pecking within eggs
trying to find a rhythm and

a way out, a way out
so far out that
you've got to see me

i am still alive,
here.

lately, i have been noticing a strange constellation of symptoms. first, i have been catching colds at an abnormal frequency, all almost immediately after teaching a class or running clinic at my school, and all starting with a throat irritation. second, i think i have been (unusually) depressed and irritable, unable to integrate my thoughts for productive work. finally, and most disturbingly, i've found (this evening) that i'm only able to walk in a straight line with some effort and concentration; i noticed earlier that i was tending to veer to the left, and as i woke up just recently, i noticed it again.

i am a little scared, and hope that these symptoms are not tied to something neurological or even fatal (but knowing my luck...). then again, i am probably being a bit of the hypochondriac. and dramatist.

i have been trying to research (and, on occasion, practice) hugh milne's "visionary" style of craniosacral therapy, in the hopes of helping my son (and others, perhaps). for those who are unaware of craniosacral therapy, it posits the idea that there is a fundamental "wave" that moves cerebrospinal fluid throughout the central nervous system, and that it is possible to feel this "wave" at various points of the body. craniosacral therapy further posits that the so called synchondroses or cranial sutures are not fixed and immobile (as old anatomy textbooks claim), but elicit a palpable degree of motility to allow the wave to flow and ebb. in fact, a suture that is IMMOBILE is pathological, and contributes to a wide variety of symptoms (depending upon what joint or joints are affected). the sphenoid, a butterfly/dragonfly/bat shaped bone central to the skull, seems a key to a wide variety of problems, including dyslexia and personality shifts...

as my mother points out (and i believe), my son seemed to undergo a shift in behavior sometime between his second and third year. she had attributed it to a possible trauma that "happened" to him. after a certain point, aiden was far more cautious, and his normal line of development seemed to fall away. i at first didn't believe my mother's observations, but lately, i pay more credence to them...

the whole slew of conditions, ranging from autism to adhd to learning disabilities, all have variable attributions with regards to causative factors; in other words, as any brochure/pamplet will ultimately state, "no one knows for certain what causes these conditions." as a result, there are a lot of seemingly outlandish theories and (desperate) "cures" that parents ascribe to to help their kids. mercury-based carriers of vaccines, for instance, or chronic inflammatory states... i personally believe that we as a society are being exposed to some substance that, while not "toxic" according to epa standards, does exhibit certain interruptions of normal developmental/hormonal cycles, especially if present in high enough doses. there are SEVERAL culprits for this, including certain plastics (a lot of recent focus has come upon a certain kind of plastic, ubiquitous in the bloodstream of our society, that has been related to problems with testosterone production, for example) or the antibiotics that the poultry and cattle industries feed their stock with, and which pass on their effects into us, the consumers. again, "no one knows for certain," and in the absence of knowing, parents like myself look around their world with a kind of paranoia.

on the side of special education, which attempts to address some of the academic/social effects of these conditions "after the fact", there are actually (i must say) few interventions, if any, that are "unique" or condition-specific. in fact, despite having a separate credentialing process, i believe that special education is nothing more than a collection of good teaching habits that all teachers should (in an ideal world) practice. the common understanding of the difference between a general education teacher and a special education teacher is that the former focuses upon the curriculum, while the latter focuses upon pedagogical method. i personally believe that this is (and should be) a false distinction: a good teacher is a good teacher, and all good teachers (whether gened or sped) need to know where we need to take our children (curriculum, standards) and how best to get there (pedagogical method)...

in any case, aside from providing either remedial or compensatory education for children afflicted with conditions (particularly in the mild-moderate special education field), and aside from a greater degree of "understanding" or "give" (i.e. compassion), special education cannot eliminate the problem. in the very best of situations, and in the mildest of disabilities, the special education teacher can help a student to understand his/her conditions and learn how to compensate for them to participate and thrive INDEPENDENTLY in the general environment.

my point (and i suppose i do have a point, even with this left-ward leaning discussion) is that a therapy that seems fundamentally noninvasive and harmless (which the established medical profession would say, in the same breath, "pointless") is something any parent would try to help their child. if nothing else, i get more in touch with my son, gently holding his occiput to listen to (perhaps nonexistent) rhythms... [on a side note, read haruki murakami's "hard-boiled wonderland and the end of the world"... there are sections on both subterranean kappa and a librarian who "reads" skulls of dead unicorns that seem to resonate with several of my current ruminations]

i have also been re-reading lavoire's book, "it's so much work to be your friend," to research things that both parents and teachers can do to help with the social development of their children. there are several things that i like about lavoire, although i do think his overall statements of behavioral therapy can be misinterpreted (or i THINK misinterpreted) to be a categorical disbelief in its benefits. i personally believe in behavioral therapy (reinforcers, or, as he says, incentives), as well as some of the conclusions of functional behavior analyses (most notably the insight that some behaviors are attention-seeking). while lavoire argues that attention-seeking behavior demonstrates a need of the child for attention, and that the denial of attention ignores a fundamental need of the child, i hold that teachers who choose ignore certain (negative) behaviors are not ignoring the child or his/her need, but are simply being selective about the behaviors that deserve attention/praise (i.e., positive or accepted behaviors)...

***

we are going to kauai this weekend. uncle ferman actually lived in kauai until the age of 13. his family seemed to own a large section of land along the wailuku (???) river, growing rice. yesterday, he told me about some of the landmarks of his memory. of course, being the ghostie that i am, i was fascinated by some of his ghost stories, most notably one about how a whole side of a mountain was essentially a burial grounds for hawaiians, and how, late at night, you could hear "old-style" hawaiian music coming from the mountainside, even when there were no lights and no one living there... or, how, when a tidal wave struck the island, whole sections of kapaa were destroyed, but the old cannery and a few houses were spared, largely because they lay upon ancient burial grounds...

apparently, a bend in the wailuku (???) river is named after ferman's father (tai sao bend??? something like that) and the fern grotto was where ferman's grandfather used to, on occasion, take a piss...

***

well, i am feeling a bit better at the moment. i am going to meditate for a time, and then practice cradling my sleeping son's occiput (outlandish, eh???). it is a wonder to hold someone's head, the receptacle for all of their thoughts and dreams, and try to sense all of the marvelous things going on within that "bowl" just by the pulsations and breaths that pass through it. i'd recommend everyone try it, just to feel the wonder of it, and to get closer to the miracle of each person...