there are no easy dreams tonight. i wake at odd times, maybe because of the raucous wind outside, or maybe because of something stirring inside. there is some measure of solace in the even breathing of my wife beside me, or the sound of the children turning in their beds. but somehow it is not enough. i walk, somewhat exhausted, feeling burnt out from within, a light bulb whose filament has burst and painted my insides with opacity... i want out, i want in. i feel like someone who has locked his keys within himself, and there isn't a locksmith to call at this time of night/morning. so all i can do is rattle my empty head, and hear the sound of those secret keys jangling inside of me...
what is the point?
... okay, i'm recalling a fragment of this meaningless dream. it was some kind of halloween party or something. i'm alone for some reason, disconnected from my family. no costume. and there are these people, most of them strangers, but some i recognize, but no one says hi, no one talks to me. and i'm just drifting like whale vomit on the tides of the crowd, they are looking at this, looking at that, all excited. something about donnie darko (this movie i see people seem to have liked, every now and then), something like fluorescent chalk drawings on the wall under a black light, something... and it just feels so terribly meaningless. the whole thing. it is tiresome. it is worse than tiresome. it feels like i'm drowning in meaninglessness. because a secret part of me knows that i'm the author of this worthless piece of crap dream, but there is no way out...
what is the heart? what is it that gives life, that pumps life, into a thing? the gods/god fashioned mortals out of dust, but what is it that gave dust life? a coherence, a theme... sometimes i wonder about this. it is an essential thing, it is a SIMPLE thing, but it is something which you cannot re-construct. either you've got it or you don't... if you've ever heard that song, "them that have will get..." (i think it's called "blessed is the child") i always wondered at the lyrics, even while thinking how true they seemed (and at the same time wondering why in the world people would LIKE such a song, with what the lyrics really seemed to be saying): that those that have (whatever) will get more of it, and those that don't, will NEVER get a thing. a reflection on the present ridiculousness of our capitalist society, with wealth concentrated increasingly in the hands of a few? and the corollary: what is referred to as "cultural capital?" or perhaps something more fundamental: those that are alive will get more "life," those that are really dead inside, will progressively feel their lives slip away...
no one seems convinced by my act(s). say whatever you will about the validity of the "social eye," there is one critique that seems to hold true. it recognizes the "reality"/"interest level"/"LIFE" of a work. that is something that, in the myopia of working on a piece, the author/artist can NEVER see. in fact, perhaps that is the whole motive force behind artistic production, to "convince" another of one's hidden perspectives. it is a gamble, the artistic endeavor. maybe no one will like what you see. maybe what comes out will be stillborn, or deformed. not a creation recognizable, and therefore, only worthy of abortion. and all that effort, the figurative nine months, for WHAT?
i think i need to blank out. the thoughts are getting too hairy. i need to find a simplicity, a purity, in this world again... i'm starting to see through the skin of things... (thematically, the play between transparency and opacity has always fascinated me: how the thing which is opaque/NOT understood is, more often than not, transparent, in the sense that we do not see it; the thing which is apparently understood [transparent] is actually opaque, because we take for granted its inherent mystery). so things are becoming too transparent/opaque, nothing is what it seems... i must play up the other angle on reality, the realization that nothing is OTHER than what it seems, that "what you see IS what you get." the innocence, the vital necessity, of SKIN. that which holds each thing in. that which holds everything else out.
i pray for skin to bind me up. i pray for the skin of reality to hold, so i can trace its consistent edge with one line. everything to have an edge again...
well, enough of this ramble. there is sleep or something else to attend to.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
self-hatred is sometimes good
i believe that being an artist involves both icono-blastic (not sure if that's a real word; am thinking of osteoblasts) and iconoclastic tendencies. for someone who's REALLY into process, and is completely detached from product or reaction, these two tendencies occur simultaneously. i WISH i could be that way, but i think as a writer (would be/wanna be), i must crystallize the product to the extent that the tendencies separate out somewhat. in other words, there is the envisioning of the project, the blind mundane working towards the project, and, in the editing phase, often a feeling of nausea and self-hatred at how disgustingly stupid and obvious and clunky everything is. if i were courageous, i could, without hesitation, destroy the old work, and instantly rewrite everything. forget trying to salvage the "good" from the trash. but i'm not. as i reread the ultimately bad and unconvincing work i'd written, i get half-seduced, and, let's face it, LAZY. i think, hey, this isn't ALL bad...
but more and more, i realize what i have to do. there is this thing in zen called beginner's mind. it's appropriate in moments like this, when there is a hesitation, when there - [more later]
but more and more, i realize what i have to do. there is this thing in zen called beginner's mind. it's appropriate in moments like this, when there is a hesitation, when there - [more later]
Friday, May 9, 2008
considering SPED
partially because of the enormous difficulties of getting a job as a gen ed teacher, i am considering applying to the uh department and getting a masters in sped. apparently, there is high demand for sped teachers, so much so that i could qualify to take my sped courses for free, so long as i commit myself (sign my soul off, so to speak) to the doe.
my difficulties and frustrations with the gen ed in the doe arise primarily from the fact that i am NOT an english major, and therefore have an automatic strike against me when i say that i want to teach english (or any other secondary subject for that matter). this despite the fact that i scored very high on the praxis ii english (the test is a joke, frankly), and that i believe i'm a decent writer... i understand the concern with standardization and qualifying candidates and everything, but to a certain extent, it all becomes bureaucratization and paperwork, which i am not willing to sit and wait around for. it is best, i believe, if i take the path of least resistance and quickest returns... besides, of the three uh courses i took over at uh, the sped course taught by dr. garnett smith was perhaps the best: thought-provoking and inspiring, not just via content, but in the actual personage and pedagogy of the instructor himself.
while sped is challenging, i think i have a pretty decent amount of patience and tolerance, and i know i'm pretty compassionate and accepting. if i'm deficient, it's in the "discipline/hard ass" department, although with my two kids, i'm quickly learning that i've got that side in me, in spades even. it's the "tough"/"cruel" aspect of kannon-sama; compassion is not all warm and fuzzy, after all.
please wish me good luck in making the right decision!
my difficulties and frustrations with the gen ed in the doe arise primarily from the fact that i am NOT an english major, and therefore have an automatic strike against me when i say that i want to teach english (or any other secondary subject for that matter). this despite the fact that i scored very high on the praxis ii english (the test is a joke, frankly), and that i believe i'm a decent writer... i understand the concern with standardization and qualifying candidates and everything, but to a certain extent, it all becomes bureaucratization and paperwork, which i am not willing to sit and wait around for. it is best, i believe, if i take the path of least resistance and quickest returns... besides, of the three uh courses i took over at uh, the sped course taught by dr. garnett smith was perhaps the best: thought-provoking and inspiring, not just via content, but in the actual personage and pedagogy of the instructor himself.
while sped is challenging, i think i have a pretty decent amount of patience and tolerance, and i know i'm pretty compassionate and accepting. if i'm deficient, it's in the "discipline/hard ass" department, although with my two kids, i'm quickly learning that i've got that side in me, in spades even. it's the "tough"/"cruel" aspect of kannon-sama; compassion is not all warm and fuzzy, after all.
please wish me good luck in making the right decision!
Thursday, May 8, 2008
ideation
it spreads roots everywhere
gaining nourishment
creating nodes and nexuses
it is the intelligence
that is restless to know
the "big picture"
through each atomic detail:
finer resolutions
behind the pixelated reality
high fidelity
the collapsing of the digital
and the analog.
the unification of
the synchronic
and the diachronic:
the hegelian myth,
but with electronic wings
this time, signals
crisscrossing the stratosphere.
gaining nourishment
creating nodes and nexuses
it is the intelligence
that is restless to know
the "big picture"
through each atomic detail:
finer resolutions
behind the pixelated reality
high fidelity
the collapsing of the digital
and the analog.
the unification of
the synchronic
and the diachronic:
the hegelian myth,
but with electronic wings
this time, signals
crisscrossing the stratosphere.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
red/empt/ion
she cast it from her hands before she even knew what it was
and the word broke into pieces at her feet
she picked up the fragments one by one
feeling their fractured edges
and wondering what they had meant whole.
"red" was the first piece,
a color she knew well:
flush of shame
and shade of rage,
the blind hue that surged and
painted all her insides.
"empt" was the second piece,
a fragment that was almost a word,
"empty" without a "y," for example,
or maybe "tempt" without a beginning.
the last piece was "ion."
if she knew basic chemistry
(which she didn't)
she would recall what it was,
something that was incomplete,
something that carried a charge.
and the word broke into pieces at her feet
she picked up the fragments one by one
feeling their fractured edges
and wondering what they had meant whole.
"red" was the first piece,
a color she knew well:
flush of shame
and shade of rage,
the blind hue that surged and
painted all her insides.
"empt" was the second piece,
a fragment that was almost a word,
"empty" without a "y," for example,
or maybe "tempt" without a beginning.
the last piece was "ion."
if she knew basic chemistry
(which she didn't)
she would recall what it was,
something that was incomplete,
something that carried a charge.
Monday, May 5, 2008
my latest inchoate naruto theory!!! write it down!
okay. so the uchiha clan is good at controlling the nine-tailed fox. can we not assume that the clan has some kind of special talent for controlling the tailed animals? and perhaps that this has something to do with madara uchiha's ultimate objective???
we are always told that there is some kind of sinister tale underlying the formation of the hidden leaf village. we assume that the disaster of the nine-tailed fox's original visitation to the village was, well, a natural disaster. but what if that disaster was not only man made, but intentional? what if the elders of the village decided that it had to be set free?
okay, here's my theory. uchiha madara seems bent on acquiring the ultimate power. according to pain, capturing all the tailed beasts would allow akatsuki to have an unstoppable force that would bring the world to its knees. perhaps madara is bent on acquiring the tailed beasts to acquire that power FOR HIMSELF. i suspect that that was what led to his original falling out with the first hokage, his insatiable desire for power.
as the uchiha clan (under madara) was bent on acquiring all the tailed beasts, perhaps for the purpose of developing this ultimate weapon (and thus controlling the world), the first hokage insured that the nine-tailed fox would be SET FREE, thus preventing madara's plan from coming to fruition. a disaster, yes, but all for the sake of keeping madara from his scheme for power. then, with the help of the fourth hokage, the nine-tailed fox was bound up, but in such a way that madara would have great difficulty in acquiring it...
... the flaw (and there may be many) is in the timing... i said that the first hokage set the nine-tailed fox free. maybe it didn't have to be him. maybe it just had to be one of the subsequent elders. but i suspect that BOTH the release and capture of the nine-tailed fox were intentional acts, designed to confound MADARA.
okay, let's see if this one pans out.
we are always told that there is some kind of sinister tale underlying the formation of the hidden leaf village. we assume that the disaster of the nine-tailed fox's original visitation to the village was, well, a natural disaster. but what if that disaster was not only man made, but intentional? what if the elders of the village decided that it had to be set free?
okay, here's my theory. uchiha madara seems bent on acquiring the ultimate power. according to pain, capturing all the tailed beasts would allow akatsuki to have an unstoppable force that would bring the world to its knees. perhaps madara is bent on acquiring the tailed beasts to acquire that power FOR HIMSELF. i suspect that that was what led to his original falling out with the first hokage, his insatiable desire for power.
as the uchiha clan (under madara) was bent on acquiring all the tailed beasts, perhaps for the purpose of developing this ultimate weapon (and thus controlling the world), the first hokage insured that the nine-tailed fox would be SET FREE, thus preventing madara's plan from coming to fruition. a disaster, yes, but all for the sake of keeping madara from his scheme for power. then, with the help of the fourth hokage, the nine-tailed fox was bound up, but in such a way that madara would have great difficulty in acquiring it...
... the flaw (and there may be many) is in the timing... i said that the first hokage set the nine-tailed fox free. maybe it didn't have to be him. maybe it just had to be one of the subsequent elders. but i suspect that BOTH the release and capture of the nine-tailed fox were intentional acts, designed to confound MADARA.
okay, let's see if this one pans out.
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