Friday, March 7, 2008
A seminal passage from Freud's "Beyond the Pleasure Principle"
"...Those instincts are therefore bound to give a deceptive appearance of being forces tending towards change and progress, whilst in fact they are merely seeking to reach an ancient goal by paths alike old and new. Moreover it is possible to specify this final goal of all organic striving. It would be in contradiction to the conservative nature of the instincts if the goal of life were a state of things which had never yet been attained. On the contrary, it must be an OLD state of things, an initial state from which the living entity has at one time or other departed and to which it is striving to return by circuitous paths along which its development leads. If we are to take it as a truth that knows no exception that everything living dies for INTERNAL reasons- becomes inorganic once again- then we shall be compelled to say that 'THE AIM OF ALL LIFE IS DEATH' and, looking backwards, that 'INANIMATE THINGS EXISTED BEFORE LIVING ONES.'"
I ask
I ask the words to convey me
but they don't know where to go
and they have no wheels to spin
on water, or air, or clouds
or whatever groundless claims
I make of me, or mine, or all.
I ask the ears to in-form me
to drink me in and shape me
pass me through the
coronet-funnels
narrow me into thread
a spinning winding path
into somewhere else to hide,
and profligate, and pretend to be.
I ask the world to confide in me
to share with me a secret or two
what is the end of enduring,
who can stand understanding,
but mostly, why this feeling is,
when words falter
and no one to hear.
but they don't know where to go
and they have no wheels to spin
on water, or air, or clouds
or whatever groundless claims
I make of me, or mine, or all.
I ask the ears to in-form me
to drink me in and shape me
pass me through the
coronet-funnels
narrow me into thread
a spinning winding path
into somewhere else to hide,
and profligate, and pretend to be.
I ask the world to confide in me
to share with me a secret or two
what is the end of enduring,
who can stand understanding,
but mostly, why this feeling is,
when words falter
and no one to hear.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
85/10/5
I heard in my SPED class that there is a social psychology concept known simply as the 85/10/5 ratio. In any given population, if there are rules or laws set to govern that population: 85% will be like sheep, and "obey" without question; 10% will ask "Why," and, if given a fair and reasonable answer, will obey; and 5% will be chronic rule-breakers.
Where do you fall?
Where do you fall?
Baby Nicholas Apollo Xu
Last night, I visited my friends Jessica and Min, and their newborn baby, Nicholas Apollo Xu (I know, I know, a bit much...). He was born, by the way, on MY BIRTHDAY (at roughly 10:30 pm). Thank god, because in a little over an hour, he would've been born on Girl's Day...
Nicholas is a cute baby. I couldn't decide if he looked like Jessica, or Min. I guess, as Jessica mentioned, his ears looked like Min's (big). He seemed quiet at first, until I started approaching him; then, he woke up and started making some clear cries. Min began singing a lullaby (some Beethoven tune), and miracle of miracles, he went back to sleep (or at least quieted down). Apparently, Min has been applying the headphones to the womb, so from now on, I suppose, classical music will remind Nicholas of a red-walled room from now on...
I may not have mentioned it, but there was a bit of a scare during the delivery. At one point, Nicholas's heartrate slowed dangerously. When I heard that news, I actually prayed... Usually, in those desperate moments, my prayers tend to sound more like threats, like: "God, if you allow this to happen, I will never believe in you again." As if He (he?) would ever care for the worship of a piece of turd like myself...
But it worked (because of, or in spite of). And now, I say, thank God.
Nicholas is a cute baby. I couldn't decide if he looked like Jessica, or Min. I guess, as Jessica mentioned, his ears looked like Min's (big). He seemed quiet at first, until I started approaching him; then, he woke up and started making some clear cries. Min began singing a lullaby (some Beethoven tune), and miracle of miracles, he went back to sleep (or at least quieted down). Apparently, Min has been applying the headphones to the womb, so from now on, I suppose, classical music will remind Nicholas of a red-walled room from now on...
I may not have mentioned it, but there was a bit of a scare during the delivery. At one point, Nicholas's heartrate slowed dangerously. When I heard that news, I actually prayed... Usually, in those desperate moments, my prayers tend to sound more like threats, like: "God, if you allow this to happen, I will never believe in you again." As if He (he?) would ever care for the worship of a piece of turd like myself...
But it worked (because of, or in spite of). And now, I say, thank God.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Nene geese
Nene geese are Hawaiian geese that once were Canadian geese, but then I guess got tired of flying back to their colder climes. I think a few of them got smart and said, "Hey, waitaminit waitaminit, I mean, what's the point? Look, we got it good here. We lie around, get a tan, snack on some tasty bugs... Why we gotta launch off, fly half a gajillion miles over cold ocean (NO LAND IN SIGHT, NO REST FOR OUR WINGS FOR FRICKING WEEKS!), just so we can do it all over again next year??? Huh??? Tell me that. Let's just huddle up here for the whole freaking year!" And before you know it, zap, they were their own species. Nene. I don't know what it means in Hawaiian, but in Japanese, it means "GO TO SLEEP!" Like I am always saying to Willow and Aiden: GO NENE!!!
The lazy geese. The sleeping geese. I wonder if they ever regret staying here. Like they start thinking, "Jeez, you know, this place is really a rock. The other day, I saw this pretty hot chic, but when she turned around, hey, you know what, it was my cousin! I mean, I'm into family harmony, and everything, but I gotta draw the line somewhere! But then I realized, jeez, EVERYONE on this stinking island is family! Where's a bachelor goose to go?" And then he starts flapping his wings, which have genetically weakened, and feels the air wheeze out of his lungs, which have genetically shrunk, and he wonders if it wasn't a bad idea to travel every now and then, even if it was across that big blue divide...
But, ah... Nene. Sleep. Tomorrow is tomorrow. And I'm tired today.
The lazy geese. The sleeping geese. I wonder if they ever regret staying here. Like they start thinking, "Jeez, you know, this place is really a rock. The other day, I saw this pretty hot chic, but when she turned around, hey, you know what, it was my cousin! I mean, I'm into family harmony, and everything, but I gotta draw the line somewhere! But then I realized, jeez, EVERYONE on this stinking island is family! Where's a bachelor goose to go?" And then he starts flapping his wings, which have genetically weakened, and feels the air wheeze out of his lungs, which have genetically shrunk, and he wonders if it wasn't a bad idea to travel every now and then, even if it was across that big blue divide...
But, ah... Nene. Sleep. Tomorrow is tomorrow. And I'm tired today.
Epoch Ellipse
For some reason, I got to thinking of Apocalypse, how it sounds like other things. I REALLY liked the way it sounded in "Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome," when those orphaned kids in the valley started saying "Pocky Clips" or something or other. But anyway, me liking theories on the cyclical nature of time, I thought it would be interesting to think of it as "Epoch Ellipse." Like "apocalypse" occurs whenever an "epoch" "ellipses" (that is, time cycles back upon itself). Maybe some sort of scientist will come up with the theory of "Epoch Ellipse," saying that all time and history has a shape, but until NOW, we haven't been able to determine it yet... i.e. is it round? If it is a closed (cyclical) shape, how do we determine its starting and ending point (i.e., what is the unit that repeats)? And if it is a closed shape, what does it revolve around? What is the (absent) center around which history rotates? In discovering the "Epoch Ellipse," perhaps this scientist will say that the breakthrough occurred when he theorized that the "absent" center of history was not one, but TWO. Two critical "things" that formed a center about which events turned, eventually forming an elliptical shape. The ellipse, being a somewhat oblong shape, made it difficult/impossible to perceive it; but once the theory of "two centers" was formulated, it was not so hard to see... And it was also not very hard to see the eventuality of the ellipse closing on itself, for events to encounter the "Epoch ellipse," the end of time itself...
I have strange thoughts at times, mostly based on random wordplays. But there is a method to the madness. I think for this, the tie was Mel Gibson... In explicus: his movie "Apocalypto"; the mention of apocalypse as "Pocky Clips" in "Mad Max," itself a movie about the post-apocalyptic world...
Oh well.
Come to think of it, a far better play would have been "Epoch Eclipse." No need to mention messy shapes or the cycling around of history... Self-explanatory really. Time reaching its own eclipse.
I have strange thoughts at times, mostly based on random wordplays. But there is a method to the madness. I think for this, the tie was Mel Gibson... In explicus: his movie "Apocalypto"; the mention of apocalypse as "Pocky Clips" in "Mad Max," itself a movie about the post-apocalyptic world...
Oh well.
Come to think of it, a far better play would have been "Epoch Eclipse." No need to mention messy shapes or the cycling around of history... Self-explanatory really. Time reaching its own eclipse.
March
March depresses me for some reason. It could be because my birthday is in March, and at my age, birthdays are just a reminder of old age and mortality. But it seems more than that. It is a physical lethargy that seems to overcome me this time of year.
I started off the Sunday with the obligatory visit to the local Tenrikyo church. I got to play the fue for the first part, and dance (awkwardly, always glancing to my right at the head church minister for cues) the second part. Then, I made my hasty retreat. Off to do a couple of Sunday treatments...
All the while, my friend Min and his wife Jessica are in labor (I should rephrase that; Jessica is in labor, Min is just walking around with his heart stuck in his throat; somewhat the opposite sort of obstruction). I'm rooting for today, not only because it's MY BIRTHDAY, and what a cool kid he'll turn out to be if he's born today (in spite of my example), but also because if he's born tomorrow, why, he'll be a boy born on Girl's Day (some have posited the very proximity of my b-day to girl's day as explaining something, I'm not sure what...).
I stopped by Min's, where his father and mother in law are hanging out, waiting for any news. Min apparently picked up a free monitor from CompUSA, which is closing down. He wanted me to pick it up from the apartment, to make as much room as possible for baby. While I was there, I decided to assemble the crib we'd given him; jeez, it was "fun" (I mean it, it really was fun) assembling it with Jessica's dad, with me not being able to speak a word of relevant Chinese (outside of "Xie xie" or "Za jien"). I was actually speaking to them in JAPANESE for some reason (I guess it's an old habit). And then, what's worse, I started to GESTURE. Trying to be conversational, I decided to "gesture" Jessica's birth (because it's surely the topic on their minds). Don't ask. Just imagine playing Sharades and having to perform "birth"... I think I somehow got the message across, though not without some awkward laughter...
And then it was my birthday dinner over at Phuket Thai in Mililani, one of my favorite restaurants. My ma, pa, niece (Kathy) and nephew (Marcus) came, as did my own family unit... It was pretty pleasant... until a face from the past showed up. I won't mention his name, but let's say that he was once a pretty close friend of mine until we had a mutual falling out and parting of ways... He's the kind of person who you always feel somewhat insecure about, because (whether YOU're involved in it or not) he is always playing the COMPARISON game (like, do you measure up to ME???). I looked away, pretended not to see him, although I'm sure he saw ME. Thank god, we didn't make eye contact, and have to pass a message unspoken that way...
I should be old enough to be over such things, but I suppose I never outgrow certain situations, certain relationships. Or, let me amend that, maybe I HAVE outgrown them, and it's with a certain nostalgia that I look back upon old relationships, wondering, perhaps, if I reinstilled them, would I feel the same feelings, and thus, be young and immature and stupid again? Honestly, honestly, I'm just curious to see how he's doing, nothing more. I don't think my life has much room for any real "friendships" like that any more...
I often wonder what I will be like when I get old (like, duh, man, you ARE old). No, I mean really old. Like when everyone around me passes, and the family starts to wonder if I'm alright on my own, or if someone will have to come by to make sure my ass is wiped clean... Will I still be active in some way, relevant? Strong? Or will I be all about the yesterdays, the regrets, the happy days... (You know, maybe I already AM old; that's my preoccupation, my "pre" "occupation" nowadays! GULP.)
If no one needs me, then I think as an old man, I will go to a monastery and formally become a monk. I'll sit down facing a wall and contemplate the nature of my existence. And my kids and grandkids will come and visit me in the monastery, but since I'll say nothing, and just stare down at them from beneath my bushy eyebrows, they'll leave, imagining they encountered a bodhisattva, but really, really, knowing they encountered a doddering old fool who couldn't think of anything profound or meaningful to say...
... March. How it depresses me.
I started off the Sunday with the obligatory visit to the local Tenrikyo church. I got to play the fue for the first part, and dance (awkwardly, always glancing to my right at the head church minister for cues) the second part. Then, I made my hasty retreat. Off to do a couple of Sunday treatments...
All the while, my friend Min and his wife Jessica are in labor (I should rephrase that; Jessica is in labor, Min is just walking around with his heart stuck in his throat; somewhat the opposite sort of obstruction). I'm rooting for today, not only because it's MY BIRTHDAY, and what a cool kid he'll turn out to be if he's born today (in spite of my example), but also because if he's born tomorrow, why, he'll be a boy born on Girl's Day (some have posited the very proximity of my b-day to girl's day as explaining something, I'm not sure what...).
I stopped by Min's, where his father and mother in law are hanging out, waiting for any news. Min apparently picked up a free monitor from CompUSA, which is closing down. He wanted me to pick it up from the apartment, to make as much room as possible for baby. While I was there, I decided to assemble the crib we'd given him; jeez, it was "fun" (I mean it, it really was fun) assembling it with Jessica's dad, with me not being able to speak a word of relevant Chinese (outside of "Xie xie" or "Za jien"). I was actually speaking to them in JAPANESE for some reason (I guess it's an old habit). And then, what's worse, I started to GESTURE. Trying to be conversational, I decided to "gesture" Jessica's birth (because it's surely the topic on their minds). Don't ask. Just imagine playing Sharades and having to perform "birth"... I think I somehow got the message across, though not without some awkward laughter...
And then it was my birthday dinner over at Phuket Thai in Mililani, one of my favorite restaurants. My ma, pa, niece (Kathy) and nephew (Marcus) came, as did my own family unit... It was pretty pleasant... until a face from the past showed up. I won't mention his name, but let's say that he was once a pretty close friend of mine until we had a mutual falling out and parting of ways... He's the kind of person who you always feel somewhat insecure about, because (whether YOU're involved in it or not) he is always playing the COMPARISON game (like, do you measure up to ME???). I looked away, pretended not to see him, although I'm sure he saw ME. Thank god, we didn't make eye contact, and have to pass a message unspoken that way...
I should be old enough to be over such things, but I suppose I never outgrow certain situations, certain relationships. Or, let me amend that, maybe I HAVE outgrown them, and it's with a certain nostalgia that I look back upon old relationships, wondering, perhaps, if I reinstilled them, would I feel the same feelings, and thus, be young and immature and stupid again? Honestly, honestly, I'm just curious to see how he's doing, nothing more. I don't think my life has much room for any real "friendships" like that any more...
I often wonder what I will be like when I get old (like, duh, man, you ARE old). No, I mean really old. Like when everyone around me passes, and the family starts to wonder if I'm alright on my own, or if someone will have to come by to make sure my ass is wiped clean... Will I still be active in some way, relevant? Strong? Or will I be all about the yesterdays, the regrets, the happy days... (You know, maybe I already AM old; that's my preoccupation, my "pre" "occupation" nowadays! GULP.)
If no one needs me, then I think as an old man, I will go to a monastery and formally become a monk. I'll sit down facing a wall and contemplate the nature of my existence. And my kids and grandkids will come and visit me in the monastery, but since I'll say nothing, and just stare down at them from beneath my bushy eyebrows, they'll leave, imagining they encountered a bodhisattva, but really, really, knowing they encountered a doddering old fool who couldn't think of anything profound or meaningful to say...
... March. How it depresses me.
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