it's a little late for me to be posting about this dream, because it's already 5 in the afternoon... but somehow it stuck with me.
i think there are a few dreams that not only intellectually remain with me (that is, i remember vivid details about it) but that leave me with a feeling. oftentimes it is a feeling of unease or anxiety, especially if the dream was chaotic, because it seems like it reflects the disorder of my psyche. but other times- rarely- it leaves me feeling, if not happy, then... open. like there are other possibilities besides the rut and emptiness i often feel in life.
so in this morning's dream: i suppose that i was back at my old school, wahiawa el. only, things had changed. it was as though the administration really wanted the teachers to feel like the return to school was a celebration. there were a bunch of carnival rides on the campus (in actuality, it resembled mililani high school's campus more than wahiawa el's). there was a dj playing music. i recall riding on some sort of roller coaster, listening to the dj make some sort of challenge, like a trivia challenge about the music. and i knew the answer to almost everything. but there was no one really to share it with. i felt- as i truly feel most times at work- alone...
for some reason, this dream made me feel somewhat light, if not happy... it made me feel like there was an unsuspected possibility. as though a wall was actually transclucent, and beyond it was a whole other world.
when i woke, i almost had to convince myself that i was still teaching at wheeler middle school.
*****
then there was this other dream... it occurred maybe a few days ago.
in the dream, there was a pretty young girl, a version of someone who is no doubt as aged as i am now, but she was trying to gently seduce me, with all of these conditionals... like, "if i did this, what would you do?" and, being the stoic and "good person" that i was, even in my dreams, i would always respond that i would do nothing, that i would always be the protector, a wall, the dead and shiny material of a shield... and, for some reason, the girl loved me, she felt entirely safe around me, and she let me carry her, not on my back, but in the same way that a newlywed husband would carry his wife across a threshold.
and for some reason, it made me feel happy. like i was appreciated and valued and loved, despite not being the "dangerous" and alive sexual partner that i could have been...
[please understand that i am and always will be in love with my wife. but there are parts of me that still cycle and repeat an incomplete circuit, the ragged edges of infinite possibility within me that have never been touched... you can never completely silence the longing within your heart. and maybe if you did, you would cease to be alive, dreaming. life, living, after all, is an incompletion.]
