dream 8/28/2023

i had a weird dream in which i ended up on some reality game show. i suppose i had won some sort of trip, based upon my teaching abilities. there were all these other teachers there, in this big relaxing room, all talking about their big accomplishments, trying to impress everyone else. i was with lynn, and we were just talking about our next steps, practical stuff... i heard this woman and man nearby in the bed. the woman was asking the man some questions. apparently, he had gone through whatever program we were in, this was maybe his third time... long story short... teresa huang was there, she gave me a hug... i ended up trying to help someone who needed to use the bathroom (but to use the bathroom, you needed to traverse this tiny ramp high above the ground, with the assistance of someone. i helped the person at the last part, where there was some sort of trapeze. i ended up risking myself for the person (i could hear the gasps and general responses of the audience0. while i was helping the person, someone stole my wallet. although we were successful, i realized i didn't want to stah in that world). i was thinking of ways to get out, and get home, to where people actually loved each other.

i haven't been writing journal entries for a while now. i suppose my life has been pretty eventless. i can't even quite remember when i last wrote on this blog about what's been going on in the real world (as opposed to just recording dreams).

i changed schools. i used to teach at wahiawa el, and last year, i decided to switch over to wheeler middle. the decision was kind of on a whim. i mean, there were reasons why i switched, but most of it had to do with the sense that it was time for a change. this last year has, for the most part, been good. but it has involved a lot of busy-ness, and whenever work gets demanding, a lot of the other aspects of my life get put on hold...

this summer was just a continuation of the busy-ness. i basically worked non-stop from the formal end of instruction of the 2022-2023 school year. i taught summer hub, and i also did the gencyber camp. i continued to teach classes at the acupuncture school. when some of those things started to end, then i had a lot of other responsibilities at home, things i had to repair. like i fixed the garage door opener, when the gear axle snapped. and i also repaired a leak in the second floor bathroom, as well as the collateral damage, which was the ceiling and part of the wall in the garage. i also worked a lot in the yard. i weeded everything (pretty much), and recreated the two hugulkultur planter boxes, and chopped down one tree near to the ground, and chopped another quite a ways. i also chopped out some of the long-standing roots in the back yard. i'm not done yet, but i feel relatively content that i've tried my best to get the yard under control, in the time that i've had...

now i'm at the point where a lot of things are done, or i am reaching my limit in so far as completing things... and i'm seeing the emptiness of life beneath it all. so i'm trying to return to the idea of doing routines, of pursuing a variety of interests, of keeping my life active and alive... i've also confronted the idea of desire, which is always in some sort of tension with death, and with the question of the purpose and point of life... at some level, there has to be an acknowledgement that there really is no ultimate point or purpose to doing anything, and yet, we must continue to do things if we are to survive and be vital... i don't do anything that contradicts my oaths and my loyalty to my family; but i understand the restlessness within me must be acknowledged... i cannot deny that certain desires exist within me. i can't pretend the ocean within me is still...

at the same time that i acknowledge this, i must admit that i feel distant from everything; from the world, from my heart. one of the reasons i feel compelled to record my dreams is that they seem unforced, and therefore authentic. they are traces of who i am, beneath the machinations of my thoughts, which are hungry and totalitarian. maybe even this current attempt to routinize things, etc., is a way to smother out the chaotic stirrings of my heart... i must maintain a semblance of order and progress at all times, it seems. no wandering about. never getting lost...

i have always had a longing. but even if the person/idea that i long for is purely fictitious, and impossible, i can't just rationalize and get rid of it... even if it's too late for me, even if it can never happen, a stupid and stubborn part of me still strays and wanders... i hate this, at times, but it is what i am. i cannot pretend that i am not chained to this...

i am tired. (i think i have always been tired) but i am functional. and for me, that is good. being functional and purposeful is good in my book... i only wish that i could be this AND be authentic, whatever that means. being authentic is difficult for me, not so much that i am afraid to show myself, but more because i don't even know who i am, i can't feel anything strongly me that i would dare to express... this makes me wonder whether i have a soul or a heart at all.

dream 7/29/2023

earlier today i had the same nightmare of it being the week of finals, and aside from the stress of prepping for those classes, there was that one that i had not attended all semester, that there was no way to prepare for, that i was doomed to fail... there was that dream this afternoon...

and then: tonight... i had many many many dreams... one was that i was in a house, in the bottom floor... it was a house in the wilderness of the ... of waialua? which isn't necessary a wildnerness... but it is kind of a wilder place, more country. there were no walls between yards. i suppose i imagined if i grew up there... like a volleyball net set up in an in between field, which would require making friends with the kids of the neighborhood to play... in any case, i lived in a place like that. tumbleweed. and then one night, i was downstairs, and there was a rustling, and in came two axis deer. actually more. except they weren't axis deer. they sort of shapeshifted in between, and turned out to be kids. i tried to take pictures. there were other people coming into the house as well, hunters, scientists... and they were chasing these special axis deer. and they ended up kind of sleeping in our downstairs... i was downstairs trying to finish some sort of painting, a painting of some kind of a 3d object, a face of sorts, and in many parts, i was using some reddish orange paint that i was running out of... and then, it seemed, everyone downstairs woke up, and they were in some sort of buffet line to eat, and as they were in the line, they were commenting on my work. i recall my aunty kiyomi bein gin that line, commenting loudly...

so then, there were other parts of the dream... there was a play that was being put on, and i supposedly was the playwright, only i wasn't exactly proud of the work. i saw an awkward moment in dialogue where they were = they were trying to kiss this character, this ferdinand frog, in order to make him into a prince...

at the same time, i was walking out during the interlude, into a college campus field. and at one point, there was a killer who was after me. adn running up fro,m the lower part of the field to where the play was supposed to continue, i overheard a white clad antonio bandares summoning people to kill me. i was trying to draw attention to this from the crowd, but no one seemed to understand. so i was walking up the field, over spiked gates, through random knick knacks... and all the while antonio and his friends were following me. there was a point where we assisted some child in a stroller or something, but all the while, the intent was clear, not to lose sight of me, because i was the one that needed killing...

dream 7/1/2023

i can't remember the front end of this dream... but at one point, there was this demonstration being done by these orange robed korean monks. i saw a pile of weapons, some very ornate. people were grabbing the weapons, and i was considering what to take. then, i saw the master demonstrate with one of his pupils. he did a sort of push-hands drill, and as he did it, he kept chanting "i am you and you are me." then, he came to me and did the same thing, only, at one point, he accelerated, and my chanting became faster and (i guess) angrier. he stopped me and said, no, you must not respond with anger. and then he moved on... the practice continued... (we seemed to be a large bunch of children)... and then at one point, there was some sort of alarm or bell, which signaled the end of the "period." i accompanied a large group of children down to the lunch area/room... i was a tallish monk amongst these children. at one point, i was told by a child to stay away, so i mockingly did so. then, when i reached the bottom of this sloping hill, i realized i was supposed to find a particular child (it was supposed to be kara, my sister's youngest). i saw her at the bottom of the slope. i then carried her, and we went to a food stand run by the monks. the food was mainly apple dishes... i recall trying to decide what to get her, when the dream sort of faded...

dream 6/3/2023

one of the first parts i remember in this dream, i was in some sort of building, on a high floor. it seemed italian, with walls of white stucco. anyway, i imagined what it would be like if i were chased by a goatman (?), so i started running. but i felt i wasn't running fast enough, so i took off my shoes, and really started to sprint (i noticed my left foot wasn't really touching the ground, or its stride wasn't as long as my right foot's). i got to the end of the hall, and then entered a stairwell. that's when i really accelerated. i was practically sliding down the stairs, my feet barely touching the ground. at some point, i started to go past other people, tourists, and when one of them complained, i slowed down. i was near the bottom at that point. i got outside.

i keep thinking it was in pasadena, but i've been to pasadena, and there isn't a place like it there. this was a large park or fairgrounds next to the ocean. there were several different areas for seating. some were filled with wooden decks with chairs (for the performing orchestra), and others were like grass covered steps (like what i recall from the hollywood bowl). anyway, a band was playing. and everyone seemed to be waiting (or at least i was) for a performance that i was ostensibly supposed to be a part of, which occurred at 7:15. i kept looking at the ticket or schedule; there was no one else around that was a part of the same performance, so i started to wonder if i was in the right place.

as the day darkened, the waves started to get rougher; i suppose i didn't describe it, but there was a semi-circular railing to the ocean. i didn't really go to the railing to view the ocean itself, so i can't say what it looked like with any great detail. but the sky turned grayer, and there was a wind coming off the water, and the waves were starting to pound the railing, so much so, that at one point, it started to crest over the deck and reach the seats of people. so i went to higher ground, near where the band was starting to depart. and i was thinking of global warming, and whether, at any point, would the water be able to reach where i was. but because the structure of the park was such that there were different layers and levels of platforms, i was essentially more than 6 feet above sea level, and i felt i was relatively safe.

i recall sitting in one of the hollywood bowl areas, and looking at my phone, and looking at the schedule. a bunch of kids also gazed at my schedule, thanking me...

and that was pretty much it.

dream: 5/22/2023

i can't remember a lot of the dream. but in this one, at one point, i leapt into the deep blue sea. i swam towards the cliffs on one side of the mouth of a bay. the waters seemed really rough there. i think i was being watched- by my father-in-law, and his deceased wife- and maybe i was going there for a purpose related to my son- i'm not sure, that's the part that seems to have kind of fallen away. but in any case, i climbed on the hard black sea wall, or at least, i could see a bit what was above on the shore. and at first, everything looked pretty wild, except for some structures made out of rock. i recognized them as part of an old heiau (hawaiian shrine). i felt perhaps there was a bit of danger there, as heiau were sacred places... so i kept going along the edge of the wall. eventually, there appeared some sort of white fencing (which looked modern). the fencing looked really professional, until i reached one segment that seemed off-white and wooden. i discovered that i could pull that section out, so that i could actually enter the heiau area. as soon as i started doing this, i noticed people, at first only one or two, and then more. they seemed to be tourists just walking through the region of the heiau. and one of the first people, this semi-hawaiian seeming guy, he seemed concerned about me being there, and kept trying to convince me (or ask me) that it was okay to throw parties or events there. i had reservations about it, it being a heiau and everything...

...i had a second dream. in this one, i was in an auditorium, a movie theatre or something (but it was at school). they were putting on a play. in the play, which was supposed to be like hamlet, only it completely wasn't... well... i was sitting next to phil. behind me was this really annoying bully, who i shouted at a couple of times... there was also the seat of a girl in front of me, who kept getting bullied by her neighbor. the teacher would "handle it", but all unsatisfactorily. like once the girl said that the boy had put centipedes on her slipper, and the teacher would say, that will teach you to pay attention to your feet more... stuff like that. at one point, near the beginning of the play, someone (a teacher) was calling me to assist with the music, but it turned out everything was okay... and then, in the play: i don't understand the story, it had nothing to do with hamlet. but in the first incongruous scene, one of the characters was trying to off another in the most incongruous way. like there was some sort of car hanging from a bridge into the waters of this river. and there was a lot of gasoline (like a bomb) in the car. the driver (who someone wanted to execute) was talking talking talking, and then someone on the bridge was trying to ignite the gasoline, to both kill the target, and the associate (who was there as bait)... but it didn't work. and i had this odd notion, because in the play, the associate still works with the assassin, even though he was double crossed... at one point two lawyerly dressed people, a man and a woman, walk past our seats, and i comment, "oh, there goes rosencranz and guildenstern." and then the movie takes this really pornographic turn. there is a guy (who looks kind of like biff from back to the future, but also like that super toothy actor - can't quite remember his name, but he was in predator 2 and silver bullet??? and some other things)... anyway, he wants to hook up with this girl played by selma hyak (nude). so he says some word, and she has to do it. these words are codes that force her to do certain actions. like "ass" makes her put her butt in the air... that's about all i remember.

dream: 4/1/2023

i had a dream where my family and i were wandering through some industrial area. i wasn't sure where we were going or whether it was even possible to get where we were going, but we were walking walking walking past all of these trucks and buildings, in what normally i would consider would be shady or dangerous. but i guess it was a dream, and we were just ploinked into this situation, and i didn't really question things... 

at some point, my wife and i acquired a car and lost the kids. don't ask me how that happens, but it just did. we were in the car, parked, and we were talking about something. anyway, next thing i know, something happens in the window behind me (something that lynn sees). this woman- clearly upset- walks around the front of the car into my view. lynn gets out and confronts the woman.

"are you okay?" she says.

after a pause, the woman responds: "no." and then she walks away.

later, we (lynn and i) are going through a nearby drive thru. suddenly, the woman (and her daughter, and 2 men dressed in some kind of uniform) rush through the area. turns out they are helping the woman get away, or maybe they are trying to get some help for the woman. turns out that the woman was in an abusive relationship- she had been calling some hospital to inquire about the health of her dying father, and the abusive boyfriend/husband took the phone away from her and yelled at her. it was at that moment that lynn had confronted her...

anyway, when the woman saw lynn again, she cried, and hugged lynn. i guess that it was because of lynn's concern and question that the woman "woke up" and realized that she needed to get help.

this moment struck me, because it was completely believable. lynn is really like that. she acts out of concern and kindness, and oftentimes changes things for the better... i can't say that i would always be heroic. i'm kind of nonconfrontational. i like to think that when things matter- especially for kids- that i would step in. but with adults, sometimes i just don't like to get involved- or i get into this mindset that i simply don't understand what's going on with other people- that they are inscrutable to me... yes, it's an excuse...

*****

before we fell asleep, i was talking about