first off, apologies for not writing in some time. things have been hectic, yada yada yada.
i had one of those "i'm not authentic" kind of dreams. this time, it had something to do with me teaching a class related to chinese medicine, and realized that i was out of practice as an herbalist. i was constructing an herbal formula, something written by someone else, and i was gathering the ingredients. one of them looked like some origami star folded out of some red paper coated with some iridescent substance. i thought it odd, until, as i was trying to measure everything out, i realized that the paper origami itself contained the actual herb, which started to tumble out... anyway, as i was doing this, another intern was constructing his formula, and seeing a lot of my blatant transgressions, seemed about to say something. i felt ashamed, being some sort of instructor, and gathered all of my herbs, leaving quite a mess of the place... as i wandered through the chaotic school, i passed a column or wall of books- most meaningless to me- and heard a student voice a question, something about how to read a passage in chinese- to which some teacher out of view replied, in clear mandarin, the sentence, emphasizing the 4 tones... i felt even more out of my element, and wished that i were not there- a fake, a charlatan, etc.
that left me here. i'm about to start teaching summer hub. i'm not fake or a charlatan here. i actually think in this context that i am a very capable teacher. but the feeling, that of being inauthentic, stuck with me. then i was thinking of my story, which i have to write (i have a weekly homework assignment now). and i was thinking of a situation of living someone else's dream, and feeling out of control. i was thinking of this being either the protagonist's situation, or a surrogate's situation. in the dream, there are many characters, and some represent, not necessarily different people, but more accurately different strategies or energies latent within one individual. the strongest voiced is, of course, kappa-chino, who acts out of selfish anger, and tries to convert every dream into "proper gander" to fuel his war against all humans- mainly because he does not wish to confront the evil within himself. but yagoro is a character who doesn't have much of a voice, but is inherently one of the wisest in the pantheon of the dream. he isn't the "wise man," necessarily, but is closest to the protagonist in spirit, because he is a humble seeker, tortured by "waters beyond his making," and questioning what his place is in the universe if he is caught in a current that he does not agree with, and never chose... this is similar to the feeling i just had, that of being caught up in a dream or a situation that you did not make or choose, but you have to make the best of it, and somehow "be authentic."
we'll see how that goes. it's going to be a busy day, because after my summer hub (which itself is kind of a gamble), then i will have to go to my future school to attempt to "unpack" a few things... i'm nervous about starting at a new school.
