infinite sadness.

i'm not sure why i felt it / feel it, but it is inescapable.

to look at things, and to know that they will all decay and pass and be forgotten.

that all effort will ultimately come to naught.

that there is nothing in this world that contains any ultimate meaning or significance.

that there is only this play of emotions, the in and out of a breath, that ultimately leads nowhere, but simply passes the time.

***

i watched a horror movie, the witch, perhaps in a vain effort to feel. but it only turned my reality sour. earlier today, i searched for a japanese romance, but found nothing particularly appealing. currently, i am 40 minutes in to "how to talk to girls at parties," which, if nothing else, is not entirely depressing...

***

recognition and acknowledgment are empty things, hollow trophies, but i guess they mean something to me anyway. in their absence, i think i tend to float and harbor resentments... i want to die, depart, float away, into nothing.

***

my son. so tired, but i should help him, i should reach for him and pull him along. but i am so tired. and it seems as though it all is against the current. best to just let things be... that's what it seems to be at least, for now...

***

recalling the dirty woodshed, the place to store wood, how my father perhaps made it all? was it all by his hand? how amazing he was back then. but now, all the things he does has no significance or expertise, or even an ounce of care. it is all just to pass on to the next moment. what does he look forward to? he is tired, and diabetic. going blind. what is the significance of it? friendless, alone, bitter.