Hi, it's been a while.

I had a dream tonight.  I was doing some work in the library, perhaps as a supplement to a lesson or something.  Or maybe it was the cafeteria, I'm not too sure.  Anyway, there was a woman there, a somewhat plump blonde woman, who was the acting principal.  She didn't look like anyone I knew in real life, unless it happened to be that lady that works as registrar at ICAOM or something.  Anyway, there was a point in which she made a statement or something, and I for some reason stood up for myself, saying something to the effect that I was an exemplary teacher or something.  And then she totally shot me down with a flat, "No you aren't."  And I struggled to come up with a response.  I recall other teachers being around (because, for some reason, they had suddenly appeared), including a somewhat twiggy, bespeckled teacher that reminded me of Doogey Houser or something.  And they didn't come to my defense, in fact, they seemed to tacitly agree with what that lady was saying.  And I remember actually getting furious because of my helplessness, almost crushing papers and throwing a tantrum- and realizing that everything I was doing was being witnessed by everyone, I calmed down, I told them I'm sorry, I need to calm down, and instead of finding sympathy in anyone, it seemed as though they were all looking at me with bemused expressions...

I think I'm returning to the old conflict.  I understand a bit about why I don't have sympathy with certain people... or certain things.  I can't.  There is a part of me that I call "reality" that never had sympathy with me...  In many ways, it was my teacher.  It pushed me to just sit there and do shit.  Do the shit that no one else would do, or dream of doing...  It pushed me beyond my complacency...  I did stuff because it was necessary, no one else would do it, no one else would even tell me to do it.  I did it because I realized I needed to be humble, I was not hot shit, I was absolutely nothing, maybe less than nothing, and I just needed to get it in gear...  There was no sympathy deserved.  I was not a human being, I was just something desperately climbing up the sheer metal wall of judgment.

And failing.

It reminds me of times with Iris, frankly.

I don't know what is good or bad.  I like to think I have come a long way with my teaching, that I am more confident and whatever.  I like to think I have come a long way with life, too.  But then, things like this come around and force me to question everything that I am, and I mean everything: my voice, my life.  And the thing is, maybe it's a good thing.  Because it gets me to work, gets me to be desperate to validate myself...  Failing that, maybe I WOULD fall into complete complacency.

So: I'm not sure what the enemy is, or what I should do.  Because on the one hand, it gets me to move my ass, to haul it.  But on the other hand, it keeps me from ever feeling any substance in myself, any inner peace...  There is always this perpetual hatred deep within, this restless gnawing hatred, that keeps me from feeling fully happy about anyone or anything.  I remember my old life, or what I thought was my old life, this feeling of being a perpetual refugee, always hunting for what would make that judgmental side of me (which I confounded with "reality at large" or "other people") stop...  Shodo, everyone.  So fucking ashamed of myself.  Never able to make a connection, because I never believed anyone could sympathize with me, never believed there was a bridge of sympathy possible.

And maybe I do that to my son.  How I fail to relate, even with all this time.  I am always pushing him to "be" something...

I blame my brother, I blame a lot of people, but actually maybe it was myself all along.  But to say it was myself doesn't make it any easier...  How do you relate to others when it is impossible or seems impossible to relate?  Humor?  In this world, I deal with people like a machine, with steel parts to steel parts.  I understand that, even if I fail to do it sometimes...  There is no feeling allowed.  Even when I serve out of compassion...  there is no feeling allowed.  Confined to roles.