hi all,
i have taken a long hiatus from writing to this blog. perhaps life grows uneventful. or perhaps life is so eventful, that there is no space within the heart or mind to sit back and comment about it. not sure which is applicable in the present case...
i have been reading, off and on, joseph conrad's heart of darkness for a very long time. and this evening, while sitting at dominos, waiting for pasta and cheesy bread for my son, i finally finished the story. so, as i'm reading about kurtz's final words (the horror! the horror!), i am in one of the most mundane of all places, as far from death and the dark wilderness as one could be. the irony did not escape me (or, rather, i did not escape the irony).
i worked for a time at the endless job of weeding my front lawn. i have visions of somehow pulling every invasive weed out of the lawn, and then providing sustenance for the remaining straggling grass in the form of water and fertilizer. visions, yes, but i never seem to get past the first step! weeding makes you humble. it makes you realize that things must be wrested from disorder constantly, without end. to stop, and "rest" in the status quo of things leads to entropy and infestation, and all those other words that we habitually dread...
which led me consider how "wrest" and "rest" (although homonyms) imply vastly different orientations towards life. to "wrest" something (like meaning, or order) means to pull forcibly, often with a twisting motion. "wrestle" comes from "wrest." to "rest", on the other hand, implies a passivity or a placement. i consider images of "wrestling with god" or "wrestling with death", and also the paradoxical/contradictory/parallel statements of "resting in god" or "resting in death."
much as we would not like to see it, life is struggle. it is endless struggle. it is not an easy path up a lazy river. it is a serious endeavor, beset by fog and snags and a hostile darkness...
and, i'll be honest, i am tired, and not so ambitious. i have been doing more "resting" and less "wrestling." and who's to say i am wrong?
