seasonal entrapment

i think people are trapped in specific seasons, even in seasonless hawaii. some people view the winter of things, preferring to feel the still and the quiet, and the way everything settles to its death and rest and quiescence. other people are perpetually in spring, seeing in each moment and in each passing stranger a bud of hope and opportunity just waiting to blossom. others are in autumn, a strange mixture of meditative solemnity and the giddiness of the harvest moon. and some, as the season is presently, prefer the lazy sexuality of summer.

myself, i'm a winter person. sleepy, perpetually being mistaken for a sadsack, or chronically depressed... in all the other seasons, and confronted with all other possibilities, the winter personality perceives the ultimate ending, the consequence, the path of settling. the skeletal web of time, frozen in a visible pattern of frost.

no other season, i think, values life more than the season of death. to understand how fragile all the seemingly virile expressions of life truly are, how tomorrow will take, gradually or suddenly, irretrievably away. it is to know life for what it is, just a season, and just a moment, a flash of light refracted in a single aspect of a snowflake...

***

i am trying to remember what it felt like to be alive.

the past is a stranger to me. i know what must have happened, because somehow i have arrived here, and i have a scrambled resume and a box of photographs and letters, but it seems to all have happened to someone else, someone who passed away a long long time ago, without a word.

hope, love, fear, sadness. i know these things now. but i also knew them before (i must have!), all of these things, wearing different faces, different masks. how could i have distanced myself, exploded so far away from who i used to be, to confront the artifacts and remnants of yesterday, as though an archaeologist, unearthing an alien civilization?

... there is a pulse quality in chinese medicine denoted as "scattered." in kiiko matsumoto's style, it goes by the somewhat more awkward description of a pulse lacking in stomach qi. in any case, the pulse in chinese medicine is palpated at the radial artery at the wrist, and is felt (on each side) in three positions, the cun, the guan, and the chi. in otherwise normal pulses, a consistent wave can be felt pushing through each of these positions, like a tsunami lifting and settling equidistant buoys successively. in a scattered pulse, however, there is no sense of continuity between the positions. as it is so eloquently described, the scattered pulse feels like "three birds pecking."

my life is like a scattered pulse. i am the third bird, the triplet to the wind-up bird, and the mejiro that taps at the morning reflection. i am pecking away at the circumstances of my reality, at the core of my understanding... but i am hopelessly trapped within my own moment, even with these wings with which i could fly (icarus style). i am scattered.

like a leaf without a wind.

***

am i hunting myself in the dream? or is the dream hunting me?

two birds

we have strange animals in our neighborhood.

every night, at around 1 or 2 in the morning, there is a raucous night bird which i have called the "wind up bird." i originally began hearing it not long after my grandmother died, when i would stay up long into the night, contemplating nothing and everything... this bird would start singing loudly in the valley behind our house, apparently completely unaware that it was supposed to be sleeping and dreaming. it actually has a large repertoire of songs, but the one it keeps returning to (and the reason i call it the "wind up bird") are a three tone question: "are [middle] you [low] awake [high]?" it sings this over and over and over again, as though trying to echo-locate its lost partner, its nightowl paramour...

every morning, at around 7 or 8 in the morning, there is a tapping on our downstairs bathroom window. this window has a light reflective tint on it, so if you are on the outside, it will look like you are seeing a dull reflection of yourself. anyway, there's a mejiro (japanese rice eye, a small green bird with a bit of yellow at its throat and a white underbelly, and characteristic white rings around its eyes) that is convinced that it is seeing another mejiro, and repeatedly tap tap taps against the window, as though trying to kiss it, or perhaps free it from its wall of glass...

strange. two different birds at two different times of the day, but both seem to follow the same pattern: lonely, calling out, tapping the unresponsive walls for some kind of response. reminds me of soul asylum lyrics:

"cuz i want somebody to shove
i need somebody to shove
i want somebody to shove me."

if only they could somehow find each other. but they are different species, living on different bus schedules...

"the family"

"the family" or "the foundation..."

i listened to an interesting interview on "fresh air" today about a "secret" religious organization called "the family." it is a very influential christian political organization. unlike most evangelical organizations, it does not cater to the masses, and, since about 1960 or so, has kept a very low profile. "the family" is meant to provide spiritual guidance to the wealthy and powerful, the elites. "the family" believes that god chooses powerful individuals, that His will is made manifest through the whims of the powerful. originally, it appears to have been founded to provide religious justification and support for anti-union efforts (presumably, the wealthy leaders of business were god's chosen ones, who paternalistically did what was best for their workers). today, it largely coincides with aspects of the republican agenda, notably the staunch belief in free (unregulated) markets.

mark sanford is a member of the "family." interestingly, despite all of his apologizing, despite all of his recent concessions for "crossing the line" of marital fidelity, he refuses to step down as governor. one of his justifications is the biblical figure of king david. for those of you who (like me) are not really up on the bible: king david was the same david from the david and goliath story. in his later years, he was both an adulterer and a murderer. his one redeeming quality (if you can call it this) is the fact that he was "chosen" by god. supposedly, according to "family principles," if you are chosen by god (i.e., if you have a position of power or authority), then you are somehow above morality. thus, governor sanborn should remain governor because he was chosen by god.

this sort of argument is old. it's hard to believe that there are still idiots who buy into it. i suppose if you are in power, it's a comforting fairy tale to tell yourself that you are where you are because you are "chosen." it removes all the complicating variables, like fairness, or struggle, or justice.

this is the mentality of some of our figures in power. it would be interesting to expose all those who have some affiliation with "the family." i'm sure it would be fodder for those across the partisan divide; but it would also be shocking to christians in general, to see how their religion is misappropriated and misinterpreted to support fundamentally immoral activities. (note: the "family" was also a big supporter of suharto, the dictator who supposedly was responsible for the death of 1 million "communists." a far cry from christian compassion, wouldn't you say?).

i definitely don't mean this entry to be anti-christian or anti-religion in any way. i am saddened and angered that there are those who can mutilate messages of peace and love and turn them to their own ends, furtherance of self-centered interests...